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Feel suicidal again

Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 1, 2021
Messages
4,805
Location
California
View attachment 47618
Sorry you aren't feeling well. The constant mood swings and changing thoughts are a struggle. Sending wishes to you for more peaceful days and moments. f8fdfe0c97d8b282364ced49743f1e5d.jpg
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,849
I hope the long reply helps. I've felt suicidal. 8yrs old was the first time, wanting to drink brake fluid but fear of Dad hitting me stopped me.
Lots of death wishes.
Several years ago, I accidentally took an overdose, not a suicide attempt, as I was too scared to commit suicide as it's actually very difficult and painful, and most who fail are eternally grateful their lives were spared.
Anyway, when I realised what I did and the drugs started to kick in, I knew I would pass out, but never bothered with an ambulance.
I wanted people to know I didnt do it on purpose, so I wrote a note telling them I hadn't tried to kill myself and passed out.
THANK GOD I woke up, the drugs didn't kill me, drugs are hard to kill yourself with as they make them that way to prevent suicide.

All of us are made up of parts, sides, facets, and some parts feel suicidal despair.
Some parts feel high spirited, these can show up rarely for some of us.

I do not want to pry and you do not say what mental illness you suffer with. I am Borderline.
My brain wasn't wired to be borderline, no brain is wired for mental illness.
Some brains are wired for neurological conditions like my Asperger's, I was born that way, so that's that.

I find it helpful if a part shows up saying bad things to get curious with that part, importantly being kind to yourself and knowing none of our parts mean harm, they just are clumsy in the way they act, part of me harms myself, in it's own way it is protecting me, albeit in a roundabout wrong way.

Sometimes when I try to get curious with a part that is troubling me, other parts of me join in, and I have to ask them to step back because I want to listen to the distressed part that is being aggressive to me.
These parts are, for the most part, young.


Yeah, it drains energy, depleting us leaving us tired, or even ill physically.
Maybe, importantly, very gently, with the utmost self respect, as if you were talking to a friend 14 years younger than yourself, you could find that part and with compassion, get curious as to why it feels how it does?


Yeah, they mean well but they sayings mean little to us, "Don't worry" etc.


When it gets better temporarily, maybe that's another part of you, you could get curious with.
When mine gets better temporarily, it likes singing, doing art, socialising if I am in the right mood as Aspies like me can be unsociable at times due to our social struggles.
The despairing part of you seems to think you have a faulty brain - not true, it sounds like the part of me that thinks my flat is a liability not an asset due to structural problems. It tries to bully me into believing it's beyond repair, it tries to bully me into thinking my partner doesnt care, all because he hasn't yet replied to a FB messenger in his inbox, knowing he is online, forgetting he has a life, a job (with computers) etc etc


I used to be a druggie. I also took psych meds, they just had me thinking like a druggie not to mention the side effects and withdrawals. My psychiatrist is kindly helping me off the last illicit drug by taking over my script and helping me off valium.
Promethazine or a similar drug is the only medication I can take that does not give me the druggie mentality.


Because you are not in touch with your "self energy" the calm intuitive part that does not judge you, that has clarity and insight. This is not your fault. It is a part of you that is consuming all of your energy.


Again, this part of you thinking your brain is damaged, it isn't.
The part of you just wants to convince the other part of you it is, or, maybe there is more than one part that tries to doom you out.
My brain is damaged.
I am not sure why you think that people with borderline / depression brains are not wired differently ??

People with borderline personality disorder, have over active amygdalas (the emotion centre of the brain). Their brains show up differently in brain scans compared to the normal brain.

And people with depression also have differently structured brains.

It is possible, although very difficult, to rewire the brain over time.
 
B

Bobbyewing

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2021
Messages
435
Location
Dublin
honestly I'm not one of those people where mental illness has been a little blip or a short period.
I've been feeling like shit for the past 14 years at least.
You know what. I'm tired.
I'm tired of listening to people's bullshit saying "things will improve" "life will get better", I've lived enough to see it doesn't, when I still live in a mental hell. every minute.
even when it seems to get better temporarily, well, then it goes back.
my brain is just like this.
Yes, I have tried therapy (many) and medications (many). I am totally paralysed by this illness.
I can't act to make it better because I literally can't act.
And yes there are relentlessly kind souls, some on this form, who try to get me to do better. But the truth is, my mind is plagued.
I keep asking myself the question: is a life with this illness worth living. I mean really. Let's be real. I'm 28 now, if my brain is wired this way, that makes me want to die every second of every day, like the neural patterns are built in my head, and I can't seem to change those patterns, I'm going to keep feeling this way.
My brain is fucking broken. Everything about me is.
What logical reason is there for me to continue suffering.
I would hate for anyone to feel guilty. There is great support on this site. but you know what, no one is to blame. Not even I am to blame.
Can I suggest something totally different?
Try Michael singers the unthetered soul. It's a book. The mind is the problem. The thoughts etc but you ain't your thoughts or mind. It fools you to think that. For who observes you thinking?? life is going on around you and the mind is like an annoying room mate who tries to piss you off. Please try it
 
KeeBa

KeeBa

Member
Joined
Aug 22, 2021
Messages
6
Location
New Zealand
I think I have an overactive amygdala. It makes you susceptible to more anxiety. I can go from calm to crap in a split second. The reason why people who commit suicide is they feel like crap. This lockdown is punishing on my mental health. Had a couple of suicidal ideations. After this lockdown, I am going to sit down with my peer support worker and create a life plan.
I wish to be a peer support worker. One of the reasons why I want to be a peer support worker is that I never got the necessary care in mental health services. Whoever I am looking after, they will be thoroughly looked after.
 
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