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Feel suicidal again

D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,849
I feel shit, don't know what to do.
I'm tired of living like this.
I have therapy later and I don't even want to go. I give up.
 
B

bri7

New member
Joined
Nov 19, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Italy
Don't give up. Those are the moments where therapy is foundamental. I did the same mistake last week and I regret i didn't go to therapy.
Go to therapy, you'll change your energy and feel a little bit better, less heavy then now.
You're not alone, remember this
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,849
honestly I'm not one of those people where mental illness has been a little blip or a short period.
I've been feeling like shit for the past 14 years at least.
You know what. I'm tired.
I'm tired of listening to people's bullshit saying "things will improve" "life will get better", I've lived enough to see it doesn't, when I still live in a mental hell. every minute.
even when it seems to get better temporarily, well, then it goes back.
my brain is just like this.
Yes, I have tried therapy (many) and medications (many). I am totally paralysed by this illness.
I can't act to make it better because I literally can't act.
And yes there are relentlessly kind souls, some on this form, who try to get me to do better. But the truth is, my mind is plagued.
I keep asking myself the question: is a life with this illness worth living. I mean really. Let's be real. I'm 28 now, if my brain is wired this way, that makes me want to die every second of every day, like the neural patterns are built in my head, and I can't seem to change those patterns, I'm going to keep feeling this way.
My brain is fucking broken. Everything about me is.
What logical reason is there for me to continue suffering.
I would hate for anyone to feel guilty. There is great support on this site. but you know what, no one is to blame. Not even I am to blame.
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,849
Don't give up. Those are the moments where therapy is foundamental. I did the same mistake last week and I regret i didn't go to therapy.
Go to therapy, you'll change your energy and feel a little bit better, less heavy then now.
You're not alone, remember this
it goes away. and then it returns.
I'm sick and tired of the returning bit.
The jar is full. It is over flowing
 
I

IndigoCorkscrew

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 2, 2021
Messages
343
Location
Uk
I have had bad mental health as far back as I can remember. It's getting worse as the years go on. Nearing 50 now and not looking forward to what ever comes next. I'm like you, feel brain is wired wrong and nothing about me is right or worth praising. It definitely feels like my mind has a plague of some sort.
I don't want to be around any longer either, but I just hang on in the hope that somehow I can find some thread of optimism to pull myself along. Maybe there isn't one, who knows. I hope you can find something to hold on to.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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I hope you decide to go to therapy today Dewey, I know it's hard thinking this way but over time with the help of other perspectives it is possible to change the way we think about ourselves. You never know when you might make some sort of breakthrough.

I'll leave you with our usual message, apologies for not being able to help more.

A friend of mine has used the Samaritans many times and he swears by them, perhaps they can make you feel a little better too. The list of crisis helplines link has alternatives as well.

If you're feeling like you want to die, it's important to tell someone.

Help and support is available right now if you need it. You do not have to struggle with difficult feelings alone.

Phone a helpline

These free helplines are there to help when you're feeling down or desperate.

You can also call these helplines for advice if you’re worried about someone else.

In the UK and Ireland, call the Samaritans on 116123.
In the US, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline ion 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, call the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, call Lifeline on 131114.
In New Zealand, call Need to Talk on 1737 or 080017371737.
For other countries please visit this list of crisis helplines.

Useful information

The Forum's page on getting help may also be useful to you. Here is a link to it Mental Health Forum - Getting Help

Here is a link to an article on Suicidal Crisis written by one of the Admin team which you may find helpful Suicidal Crisis

Emergency help

If you are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111 or call the international emergency number of 112).

Please do seek help as soon as possible.
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,849
I hope you decide to go to therapy today Dewey, I know it's hard thinking this way but over time with the help of other perspectives it is possible to change the way we think about ourselves. You never know when you might make some sort of breakthrough.

I'll leave you with our usual message, apologies for not being able to help more.

A friend of mine has used the Samaritans many times and he swears by them, perhaps they can make you feel a little better too. The list of crisis helplines link has alternatives as well.

If you're feeling like you want to die, it's important to tell someone.

Help and support is available right now if you need it. You do not have to struggle with difficult feelings alone.

Phone a helpline

These free helplines are there to help when you're feeling down or desperate.

You can also call these helplines for advice if you’re worried about someone else.

In the UK and Ireland, call the Samaritans on 116123.
In the US, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline ion 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, call the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, call Lifeline on 131114.
In New Zealand, call Need to Talk on 1737 or 080017371737.
For other countries please visit this list of crisis helplines.

Useful information

The Forum's page on getting help may also be useful to you. Here is a link to it Mental Health Forum - Getting Help

Here is a link to an article on Suicidal Crisis written by one of the Admin team which you may find helpful Suicidal Crisis

Emergency help

If you are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111 or call the international emergency number of 112).

Please do seek help as soon as possible.
thanks
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,849
I have had bad mental health as far back as I can remember. It's getting worse as the years go on. Nearing 50 now and not looking forward to what ever comes next. I'm like you, feel brain is wired wrong and nothing about me is right or worth praising. It definitely feels like my mind has a plague of some sort.
I don't want to be around any longer either, but I just hang on in the hope that somehow I can find some thread of optimism to pull myself along. Maybe there isn't one, who knows. I hope you can find something to hold on to.
Sorry to hear you've been suffering so long.
Yeah, sometimes that thread of optimism just isn't there.

I feel somewhat calmer than earlier but I don't know how long it's going to be before I feel suicidal again.
 
I

IndigoCorkscrew

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 2, 2021
Messages
343
Location
Uk
Sorry to hear you've been suffering so long.
Yeah, sometimes that thread of optimism just isn't there.

I feel somewhat calmer than earlier but I don't know how long it's going to be before I feel suicidal again.
It's not easy is it. My dark thoughts fluctuate so much, on and off during most days at the moment.

I had a walk on the beach with my wife, with a coffee in a quiet tea shop afterwards. The weather here has been unseasonably warm and a crystal clear sky. I felt so depressed but we took some photos and it was good to get exercise.
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,849
It's not easy is it. My dark thoughts fluctuate so much, on and off during most days at the moment.

I had a walk on the beach with my wife, with a coffee in a quiet tea shop afterwards. The weather here has been unseasonably warm and a crystal clear sky. I felt so depressed but we took some photos and it was good to get exercise.
To be honest, a walk on the beach with your wife sounds really nice. Like, I'm sorry you had to feel depressed through doing that. I can definitely understand that depression isn't dependent on surroundings and people, but a person should feel good doing that activity, you know.
 
I

IndigoCorkscrew

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 2, 2021
Messages
343
Location
Uk
To be honest, a walk on the beach with your wife sounds really nice. Like, I'm sorry you had to feel depressed through doing that. I can definitely understand that depression isn't dependent on surroundings and people, but a person should feel good doing that activity, you know.
As you say, depression isn't dependent on surroundings and people. It tends to take on a life of its own and battling it, when you are in the midst of it, can be difficult.
 
Yetti 56

Yetti 56

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 8, 2021
Messages
285
Location
Eccles, Manchester uk.
Hi Deweyso,,unds like you are in a shitty place, all i can offer is my wish you do start to feel better, all the best pal, thinking of you.
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,849
Hi Deweyso,,unds like you are in a shitty place, all i can offer is my wish you do start to feel better, all the best pal, thinking of you.
I'm pretty much always in a shitty place lol.
thanks
 
S

Selfhealing

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 9, 2021
Messages
81
Location
South West England
honestly I'm not one of those people where mental illness has been a little blip or a short period.
I've been feeling like shit for the past 14 years at least.
You know what. I'm tired.
I'm tired of listening to people's bullshit saying "things will improve" "life will get better", I've lived enough to see it doesn't, when I still live in a mental hell. every minute.
even when it seems to get better temporarily, well, then it goes back.
my brain is just like this.
Yes, I have tried therapy (many) and medications (many). I am totally paralysed by this illness.
I can't act to make it better because I literally can't act.
And yes there are relentlessly kind souls, some on this form, who try to get me to do better. But the truth is, my mind is plagued.
I keep asking myself the question: is a life with this illness worth living. I mean really. Let's be real. I'm 28 now, if my brain is wired this way, that makes me want to die every second of every day, like the neural patterns are built in my head, and I can't seem to change those patterns, I'm going to keep feeling this way.
My brain is fucking broken. Everything about me is.
What logical reason is there for me to continue suffering.
I would hate for anyone to feel guilty. There is great support on this site. but you know what, no one is to blame. Not even I am to blame.
I hope the long reply helps. I've felt suicidal. 8yrs old was the first time, wanting to drink brake fluid but fear of Dad hitting me stopped me.
Lots of death wishes.
Several years ago, I accidentally took an overdose, not a suicide attempt, as I was too scared to commit suicide as it's actually very difficult and painful, and most who fail are eternally grateful their lives were spared.
Anyway, when I realised what I did and the drugs started to kick in, I knew I would pass out, but never bothered with an ambulance.
I wanted people to know I didnt do it on purpose, so I wrote a note telling them I hadn't tried to kill myself and passed out.
THANK GOD I woke up, the drugs didn't kill me, drugs are hard to kill yourself with as they make them that way to prevent suicide.

All of us are made up of parts, sides, facets, and some parts feel suicidal despair.
Some parts feel high spirited, these can show up rarely for some of us.

I do not want to pry and you do not say what mental illness you suffer with. I am Borderline.
My brain wasn't wired to be borderline, no brain is wired for mental illness.
Some brains are wired for neurological conditions like my Asperger's, I was born that way, so that's that.

I find it helpful if a part shows up saying bad things to get curious with that part, importantly being kind to yourself and knowing none of our parts mean harm, they just are clumsy in the way they act, part of me harms myself, in it's own way it is protecting me, albeit in a roundabout wrong way.

Sometimes when I try to get curious with a part that is troubling me, other parts of me join in, and I have to ask them to step back because I want to listen to the distressed part that is being aggressive to me.
These parts are, for the most part, young.

honestly I'm not one of those people where mental illness has been a little blip or a short period.
I've been feeling like shit for the past 14 years at least.
You know what. I'm tired.
Yeah, it drains energy, depleting us leaving us tired, or even ill physically.
Maybe, importantly, very gently, with the utmost self respect, as if you were talking to a friend 14 years younger than yourself, you could find that part and with compassion, get curious as to why it feels how it does?

I'm tired of listening to people's bullshit saying "things will improve" "life will get better", I've lived enough to see it doesn't, when I still live in a mental hell. every minute.
Yeah, they mean well but they sayings mean little to us, "Don't worry" etc.

even when it seems to get better temporarily, well, then it goes back.
my brain is just like this.
When it gets better temporarily, maybe that's another part of you, you could get curious with.
When mine gets better temporarily, it likes singing, doing art, socialising if I am in the right mood as Aspies like me can be unsociable at times due to our social struggles.
The despairing part of you seems to think you have a faulty brain - not true, it sounds like the part of me that thinks my flat is a liability not an asset due to structural problems. It tries to bully me into believing it's beyond repair, it tries to bully me into thinking my partner doesnt care, all because he hasn't yet replied to a FB messenger in his inbox, knowing he is online, forgetting he has a life, a job (with computers) etc etc

Yes, I have tried therapy (many) and medications (many). I am totally paralysed by this illness.
I used to be a druggie. I also took psych meds, they just had me thinking like a druggie not to mention the side effects and withdrawals. My psychiatrist is kindly helping me off the last illicit drug by taking over my script and helping me off valium.
Promethazine or a similar drug is the only medication I can take that does not give me the druggie mentality.

I can't act to make it better because I literally can't act.
Because you are not in touch with your "self energy" the calm intuitive part that does not judge you, that has clarity and insight. This is not your fault. It is a part of you that is consuming all of your energy.

And yes there are relentlessly kind souls, some on this form, who try to get me to do better. But the truth is, my mind is plagued.
I keep asking myself the question: is a life with this illness worth living. I mean really. Let's be real. I'm 28 now, if my brain is wired this way, that makes me want to die every second of every day, like the neural patterns are built in my head, and I can't seem to change those patterns, I'm going to keep feeling this way.
Again, this part of you thinking your brain is damaged, it isn't.
The part of you just wants to convince the other part of you it is, or, maybe there is more than one part that tries to doom you out.
My brain is fucking broken. Everything about me is.
What logical reason is there for me to continue suffering.
I would hate for anyone to feel guilty. There is great support on this site.
I'm familiar with parts of me that tries to get me to think different but doom laden thoughts like this, all the same.
Get curious with these parts, preferably one at a time, and vitally, be compassionate with yourself.
but you know what, no one is to blame. Not even I am to blame.
This last sentence is your real self energy coming through, it is wise, it knows blame is futile, and most importantly, it has compassion for you - I cannot stress enough, how important, in mental illness, self compassion is.
 
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