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Feel on verge of breakdown

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notrealname

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
766
Sorry to keep updating here, I think it is somewhat helping me to keep sane. I sent off the email this morning that said I would need three months off. I ignored a phone call from boss because I couldn't face it but listened to voicemail later. She sounded emotional and said she was shocked etc. I can't remember if I said how sorry I was in the email because I was really confused when writing it. I'm going to call her tomorrow to say how sorry I am and how I know it is bad timing and how hard I tried to keep it together.

My friend took me to register at the doctors so at least that is done. Now I am quite mad, unfortunately. I guess it is stress but I feel kind of manic in a way. Full of "big ideas" for new social enterprises etc....I was sending really long texts to my friend about what we would do to create our own business and then realised that actually I have gone insane....

I feel really weird and extremely alert. I haven't eaten a proper meal for a bit. My friend made me a chicken dinner and I've tried picking at it but I'm not doing too well. I just feel like I might actually be losing my mind but I'm sure it is the stress. I feel incredibly unreal.

I don't think sitting here alone is helping but I have called my friends already and I'm not calling them again. I'm usually fine alone, I spend a lot of time alone, but I feel absolutely bizarre.
 
J

Jessicaleanne1992

Active member
Joined
Feb 26, 2016
Messages
38
Congrats to you for having the courage to tell your boss you need time off. I hope you get well soon friend.
 
N

notrealname

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
766
More ranting yay!

My body hurts, I feel completely wasted of energy and unable to cope. I'm in bed and I'm staying here. I haven't phoned my boss because I don't feel up to it but I think I will text her and say what I would have said - or perhaps I will phone - I don't know, I need to say something.

I feel like my mind and body are falling apart. I spoke to my counsellor for an hour on the phone and we went through how trapped I feel and how that feeling of being so trapped causes this perpetual exhaustion. I feel that it is me against the world - not in terms of anyone being maliciously out to harm me - but more a feeling of it's me, on my own, for myself, and that I need to work hard to create my own life or I will be oppressed. It sounds kind of adolescent, I guess, but since I was like 10 - I remember the dreams I had clearly then actually - I made this decision that I would work hard and create my own life, my own success. That was how I was going to escape. I was going to be a person with the power to make decisions about my own life. I didn't expect success and freedom to land in my lap, I expected that I would work for it and earn my way. But I guess it kind of hasn't worked out yet and I still feel trapped in the life other people want rather than the one I want for myself. I have spent my 20s trying to escape by putting all of my energy into trying to cope with my MH problems while creating my own life to escape to (through working on my creative projects outside of paid work). But I can never leave, that is the feeling, I am being held back, both by the limitations of my body and mind and by the barriers that exist in real life. I talked about how angry and bitter I was when I left university and saw "people with money" choose to work for free for the big broadcasters so they had experience and could later get paid work. It felt so unfair that these lazy arses just have their lives handed to them on plates while people like me don't have the time or money to buy those opportunities and have to work double hard for less chance of getting anywhere. I know that's more black and white than the world really is - these jobs aren't closed off to those who are less privileged, people work their way up all the time - it's just that it's so much easier if Mummy and Daddy pay. It just gives people that leg-up in life. Anyway, I am genuinely less bitter now, it's just one of those things - another thing - that makes me feel trapped.

I had a friend here yesterday who described us as being "in the same boat" and I kind of wanted to tell her to fuck off. She's never been financially independent and although she quit her job for being too stressful she is not on benefits because her family and fiance will just support her. No one's on her back telling her to man the fuck up about it either. I understand what she means about being in the same boat because there are similarities, but hearing that our lives are "just the same" felt so rich coming from the person whose parents have now paid for TWO masters degrees when I can't even afford to do one. She's now talking about retraining in something else....:/ I understand because I do better in education too than in work. I really fit into the world of academia, it suits my personality down to the ground. But I can't have that, because I can't afford it. Anyway, shut up notrealname, stop whining. To be clear, I don't want her to be dragged down into my misery, I want her to take the opportunities she has been afforded in life. It would be ridiculous not to. I guess I just wish I had the same opportunities.

All in all I think at the bottom of everything I just want someone to give a shit about how I feel rather than how well I am currently performing. The ridiculous thing is that I know people DO give a shit about how I feel, of course they do, to suggest otherwise would be completely unfair. Of course my friends and family care about me. But for some reason I sort of can't feel it inside.

Eurgh!! Hopefully I will start to feel less dead soon.
 
N

notrealname

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
766
Hi everyone
Adding to this mega thread once more. Thank you everybody for all the support here, it's really appreciated.

I've been off work for about 4 weeks. I feel a lot less exhausted than I did. The first two weeks I couldn't eat or sleep properly so I really wasn't able to do anything, then last week things slowly started to look up, and now I'm feeling more physically stable (I can eat, I need to remind myself a bit, but I can do it; and I have slept). However, the feeling of having died is still there.

I suppose I'm feeling a bit afloat. I know I should be getting back to work and I know I should do something to help myself. I have made some small attempts at helping myself along the way but the overwhelming feeling of pointlessness keeps hitting me and I give up and avoid the world instead. I rarely get dressed or wash or speak to people, I just spend all day on the internet and try not to think about my life.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say here, I'm just feeling a bit hopeless. I've always been so proactive with my mental health, I always get back on the horse, but I just feel like I can't do it again. I've been living like this for 17 years now. If it was episodic, then at least I would know this will pass, but it's not episodic, it's chronic, and it's just wearing me down. I feel like I have followed all of the advice and I managed to keep up hope for so long, but I've really lost all that 'light at the end of the tunnel' feeling I used to have. I no longer trust anything to make a difference to me because I've tried so many things in the past and while small changes have been affected - and as you can see from my signature, I have fully recovered from a lot of things - the basic sense of ever receiving pleasure from life is the thing that's just not changing. I'm tired of every day being a struggle, of having to pep talk myself through life on this promise that if I keep trying different things, or try looking at it a different way, or try a new therapy or a new pill, things will eventually improve. It's been so long without improvement now that I've stopped believing it.

I did go to a new GP. She was good because she spent a while understanding my history and asked a lot of questions. Like usual, she can offer me nothing, though. It's been like that for a couple of years because I have now exhausted services. I have had all the therapy, I have tried all the pills, so all they do is go through the entire list and then shrug their shoulders and tell me to come back in a few weeks. I just get the sense that I'm not the only one who has given up.

A couple of years ago I still had the belief that things would change and that in the future I wouldn't have mental health problems anymore and I'd have a normal life, but I give up now. It's become impossible to imagine that. It's starting to seem almost irrational to think that could ever happen.
 
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itsmeagain

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 25, 2010
Messages
578
Location
england
I think with my boss I'm not saying anything unless I get this other job. I'm going to take the other job if I get it, but there's no use making the working relationship strained by revealing my disloyalty if I'm not going to get the other job.

The other housemate is the depressed one who does all the housework, actually. I'm the depressed one who does barely anything (but does actually own up to that...) and does her best to ignore her flatmate. The flatmate is a drunk. I didn't realise until she moved in. Just had some news about her today which has forced me to decide to move her out. So that solves one problem. She's too unstable to live with me.

I think that's the only thing I'm not talking about - I should have confronted her about her drinking a long time ago, but stupidly I was 'waiting until she's sober' before we have the conversation because I thought it would go better if she wasn't drunk at the time and I thought she might forget the conversation ever happened. Of course, she was drunk by the time I got back from work every day so I didn't get to speak to her. But my reasoning was rational, so I'm not too angry at myself for that. Chucking her out will solve my problems anyway in that regard.

I don't know if I've explained badly here, I'm not sure there is any uncertainty in my life - or very little anyway. If I don't get the other job, that's ok, there will be others. If I do, I'm going to take it. So that's not bothering me (although I guess I do feel bad for my boss, so I imagine I will feel anxious about it if I do get the job and I have to tell my boss I'm leaving/cutting down my hours). But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

As far as assertiveness goes, not speaking to my flatmate about the drinking was about the scale of it. The things I was avoiding were mostly just 'life itself' because I find it is unfulfilling, although I've made some decisions about that now. I used to do so many things I found enjoyable and my life felt fuller, so I'm making a list of what those were and planning to go back to them.

Maybe anxiety was just the wrong way to phrase this? Sorry if this is frustrating for people I realise you're trying to give advice. I'm not actually worried about anything. I think I'm more just unfulfilled and bored and then I start avoiding things because what's the point? And then because I'm avoiding or procrastinating, it stresses me out because things get on top of me (suddenly there's tons of work because I haven't done any, for e.g.; or suddenly the house is a tip because I haven't moved off the sofa in three weeks...) The pressure of that stresses me, but if I kept on top of it it really wouldn't stress me.

I guess this is more like depression than anxiety in retrospect.
You know that when we fail , due to apathy, to
perform in life as we know we ought to, that this is sufficient to cause anxiety. You raise some really good points re state of the house. How's the housemate today?
 
N

notrealname

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
766
You know that when we fail , due to apathy, to
perform in life as we know we ought to, that this is sufficient to cause anxiety. You raise some really good points re state of the house. How's the housemate today?
Oh that bit was a while ago...I asked the flatmate to leave, she went into crisis, me and other friends got her consent to call crisis team (she has a history of self harm/suicide attempts and she had locked herself in her room, so we needed to act just in case). She's now in residential at Crisis Point.

And to make a point here: I didn't fail through apathy. I was physically too exhausted to do anything at all at that point. I am now feel apathetic but I am not going to call myself a failure or think that I have failed in any way here. I was exhausted and I tried my best.

And there is no 'ought to'. I don't use the word 'should' anymore, and I never use the word 'fail'. I prefer not to shame myself for being human.

It is not the fact we are "failing to perform as we ought to" through "apathy" that makes us anxious. It is that we are telling ourselves we are "failing" and that we "ought" to do better that makes us anxious. If you allow yourself to be a human being, stop pushing yourself through everything without allowing yourself to need support or to need a rest, and you think anything less is failure, that will make you anxious and it leads to burnout.

Sorry to react so firmly here but those words you are using are the very reason that I end up burned out so often. I'm trying to go in the opposite direction entirely and stop pushing myself so hard.
 
I

itsmeagain

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Joined
Dec 25, 2010
Messages
578
Location
england
Ok, just going to keep adding to this thread. Thank you everybody for all the support so far :)

I've taken a day off work today - first sick day in this job - because I woke up, pain all over (muscle pain), and felt totally shattered. Boss was fine with it (didn't lie, told her I was just exhausted and that I needed a day of rest). Had a friend round for a couple of tea but only managed a couple of hours before I started to feel very unwell (too much stimulation) so had to say our goodbyes and then I sat and did nothing for a while until the nausea/dizziness calmed down.

I'm a bit at the end of my tether with this. I have done "everything right" this weekend. I felt well on Saturday so I used that day to get some shopping in and I did a bit of my arts projects which made me feel good about myself. I put on candles and incense, was all relaxed, happy, hopeful etc....yesterday, went out with friends to the cinema. Felt absolutely awful from the time I got there but clocked it was probably anxiety so ignored it. Didn't really calm down, although I just got on with things. I had that weird feeling looking back where your memory is all blurry and you realise you just weren't with it the whole time. Didn't sleep quite as well as usual, but not particularly sleep deprived either....did tons of mindfulness over the weekend, including full meditations (three times over weekend), kept 'aware' and mindful as possible, taking deep breaths and doing relaxation exercises at intervals throughout the day etc....wake up and BAM. Dead. Feeling sick when I move, going faint very quickly if I do too much at once (like standing up for more than five minutes...) and having to put my head down until the ringing in my ears stops etc. Pain all over my body. This is nervous exhaustion, I've been here before about four or five times a year for the last 10 years.

So sick of this. I feel like what I'm doing at the moment isn't helping. I want to change tack, do something that I really believe will help, because I'm feeling powerless against this. I don't have a clue what to do, though. Do I go back to a GP? Last time they said they couldn't help. I tried Crisis Point last time I had severe exhaustion and they couldn't help. I tried all the charities: They can't help. All they keep saying is that I already know everything they can teach me....so is there any worth in going back? Is there something else I can try? Am I just doing this wrong in some way?

I just don't know what to do. I want to have a life!!
What are you eating? Are you getting a lot of fresh vegetables for instance?
 
I

itsmeagain

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 25, 2010
Messages
578
Location
england
Thanks for these replies. I meant no offence I seriously need to convey that to you. Someone said the things about ought to me many years ago and well I occasionally think it about myself. In no way was I ever intending to imply anything at all about you.
 
S

Stray

Guest
Hi everyone
Adding to this mega thread once more. Thank you everybody for all the support here, it's really appreciated.

I've been off work for about 4 weeks. I feel a lot less exhausted than I did. The first two weeks I couldn't eat or sleep properly so I really wasn't able to do anything, then last week things slowly started to look up, and now I'm feeling more physically stable (I can eat, I need to remind myself a bit, but I can do it; and I have slept). However, the feeling of having died is still there.

I suppose I'm feeling a bit afloat. I know I should be getting back to work and I know I should do something to help myself. I have made some small attempts at helping myself along the way but the overwhelming feeling of pointlessness keeps hitting me and I give up and avoid the world instead. I rarely get dressed or wash or speak to people, I just spend all day on the internet and try not to think about my life.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say here, I'm just feeling a bit hopeless. I've always been so proactive with my mental health, I always get back on the horse, but I just feel like I can't do it again. I've been living like this for 17 years now. If it was episodic, then at least I would know this will pass, but it's not episodic, it's chronic, and it's just wearing me down. I feel like I have followed all of the advice and I managed to keep up hope for so long, but I've really lost all that 'light at the end of the tunnel' feeling I used to have. I no longer trust anything to make a difference to me because I've tried so many things in the past and while small changes have been affected - and as you can see from my signature, I have fully recovered from a lot of things - the basic sense of ever receiving pleasure from life is the thing that's just not changing. I'm tired of every day being a struggle, of having to pep talk myself through life on this promise that if I keep trying different things, or try looking at it a different way, or try a new therapy or a new pill, things will eventually improve. It's been so long without improvement now that I've stopped believing it.

I did go to a new GP. She was good because she spent a while understanding my history and asked a lot of questions. Like usual, she can offer me nothing, though. It's been like that for a couple of years because I have now exhausted services. I have had all the therapy, I have tried all the pills, so all they do is go through the entire list and then shrug their shoulders and tell me to come back in a few weeks. I just get the sense that I'm not the only one who has given up.

A couple of years ago I still had the belief that things would change and that in the future I wouldn't have mental health problems anymore and I'd have a normal life, but I give up now. It's become impossible to imagine that. It's starting to seem almost irrational to think that could ever happen.
Hi, I don't think this will help, but I can relate so much when you write, so well, about losing hope of having a "normal" life. I'm sorry, I wish I could suggest another avenue to try xx But, I hope that the physical recovery that has begun with rest, can continue and that this helps more generally too eventually. I'm thinking about you, I'm sorry I can't help, but I do understand a lot of what you write, my eyes are stinging with recognition xx
 
N

notrealname

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
766
Thanks for these replies. I meant no offence I seriously need to convey that to you. Someone said the things about ought to me many years ago and well I occasionally think it about myself. In no way was I ever intending to imply anything at all about you.
I know that, sorry if I sounded harsh. I think the problem with MH sites sometimes is that we all have the same kinds of unhelpful thoughts :) I just make it very clear now if someone is repeating my own thoughts back to me that we need not to become an echo chamber in here and make sure that we're allowing ourselves to be human :)

Thank you for taking so much time to read my story and for offering your advice. It is much appreciated.
 
N

notrealname

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
766
Hi, I don't think this will help, but I can relate so much when you write, so well, about losing hope of having a "normal" life. I'm sorry, I wish I could suggest another avenue to try xx But, I hope that the physical recovery that has begun with rest, can continue and that this helps more generally too eventually. I'm thinking about you, I'm sorry I can't help, but I do understand a lot of what you write, my eyes are stinging with recognition xx
Thank you Stray. I'm sorry that you are suffering similarly, but I'd also say you sharing that is genuinely helpful. It does make me feel less alone when you reply and tell me you understand. I wish too that I was able to offer you some advice or help you in some way, but I suppose because we're in the same place I'm all out at the moment! If I do find something helpful or things turn around, I'll make sure I share it with you so you can see there is hope too xx
 
I

itsmeagain

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 25, 2010
Messages
578
Location
england
I often feel bad about the fact that my nose is thrust to the grindstone due to lack of riches. Being at the mercy of an employer causes stress, I look at other people and imagine things being much easier for some.
 
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