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Feel on verge of breakdown

N

notrealname

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
766
Ok, just going to keep adding to this thread. Thank you everybody for all the support so far :)

I've taken a day off work today - first sick day in this job - because I woke up, pain all over (muscle pain), and felt totally shattered. Boss was fine with it (didn't lie, told her I was just exhausted and that I needed a day of rest). Had a friend round for a couple of tea but only managed a couple of hours before I started to feel very unwell (too much stimulation) so had to say our goodbyes and then I sat and did nothing for a while until the nausea/dizziness calmed down.

I'm a bit at the end of my tether with this. I have done "everything right" this weekend. I felt well on Saturday so I used that day to get some shopping in and I did a bit of my arts projects which made me feel good about myself. I put on candles and incense, was all relaxed, happy, hopeful etc....yesterday, went out with friends to the cinema. Felt absolutely awful from the time I got there but clocked it was probably anxiety so ignored it. Didn't really calm down, although I just got on with things. I had that weird feeling looking back where your memory is all blurry and you realise you just weren't with it the whole time. Didn't sleep quite as well as usual, but not particularly sleep deprived either....did tons of mindfulness over the weekend, including full meditations (three times over weekend), kept 'aware' and mindful as possible, taking deep breaths and doing relaxation exercises at intervals throughout the day etc....wake up and BAM. Dead. Feeling sick when I move, going faint very quickly if I do too much at once (like standing up for more than five minutes...) and having to put my head down until the ringing in my ears stops etc. Pain all over my body. This is nervous exhaustion, I've been here before about four or five times a year for the last 10 years.

So sick of this. I feel like what I'm doing at the moment isn't helping. I want to change tack, do something that I really believe will help, because I'm feeling powerless against this. I don't have a clue what to do, though. Do I go back to a GP? Last time they said they couldn't help. I tried Crisis Point last time I had severe exhaustion and they couldn't help. I tried all the charities: They can't help. All they keep saying is that I already know everything they can teach me....so is there any worth in going back? Is there something else I can try? Am I just doing this wrong in some way?

I just don't know what to do. I want to have a life!!
 
S

Stray

Guest
This sounds so difficult to live with. I'm sorry you're struggling, and must be frustrating when you've been consciously doing what you hope will help you yet you wake up feeling so bad.
I would try GP again, maybe with what you've written here. I don't know what else to suggest. Did the GP do tests to rule out any physical issues that may be contributing?
Hug xx
 
Unique1

Unique1

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Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
So Sorry you are experiencing this.

Agree with stray. Maybe take your post here and ask Dr to read it...it explains how you feel so well.

I wish you well.

Unique xx
 
N

notrealname

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
766
Thanks Stray. I'm feeling a bit better now than I was an hour ago, it seems to come in waves.

My bloods and BP and etc. have been tested a couple of times a year for the last decade and there's never been anything wrong so I doubt there will be now as the symptoms haven't changed at all. I think they've probably tested me for everything under the sun by now, I've had my heart checked, I've been to a neurologist, a gastroenterologist, urologists (for when I was having bladder issues too, fortunately resolved now quite spontaneously). All any of them ever found was inflammation which they put down to tension or low-level infections that my stressed out immune system couldn't handle. Basically, even the physical stuff that's actually been wrong with me has all turned out to be caused by stress!

I think I will go back to the GP and just ask one more time. I think I will change the GP I'm registered at this week to try a new practice. Sometimes fresh eyes on a case might help. My friend's doctor is very good with mental health problems so I think I might switch to her and see if she has any more insight.
 
N

notrealname

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Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
766
Thanks for the support again, all. I feel like I'm just using this as my rant thread!

I'm 'sort of' back to work today in that I was too exhausted to go to work so started working from home. I wish I'd called in now because I'm not really getting anything done and I'm so tired. I keep feeling angry and trapped. I don't have anything in for lunch but I don't have the energy to go to the shop and buy something. My flatmate did all the washing up last night in the early hours of the morning and I felt a bit angry about that...partly because stop making noise in the early hours of the morning...and partly because I knew she was doing my washing up where I hadn't had the energy to do it and I already feel terrible about how I'm not keeping up. It's not fair to be angry at her for doing it if it's understandably bothering her but it's more because I can feel this constant pressure. It's not coming from her, it's coming from me, but when she does the housework it's like I feel that pressure that I 'should' be doing that or I 'should' have done that by now, and then the exhaustion just gets worse. Then there's the pressure to be at work.

I spoke with my Mam yesterday about trying to decide what to do and she thought I should go on ESA but I don't think I would get it. People with serious mental illness don't always get it and technically I can work, it's just that I burn out quickly, so I don't think I'd have a chance. On top of that, there's all that stress of the assessments and I would maybe be on the cut version of ESA by the time my claim went through so then how would I cope? I wouldn't be able to live on barely any money. It's not going to be relaxing is it?

Sorry, just ranting, it's just a vent, I feel so angry all of a sudden. I just want to have a rest and I feel like it's not an option. I have a friend whose parents have money and when she gets stressed in her job she just quits!!! Then she has a rest for months while she looks for jobs, but doesn't claim benefits because then she would forced into work she would find stressful, so she turns down jobs until she finds one that will suit her. I just wish my life was like that. I know that sounds really petty, but whenever she tells me that she's quit her job and that it was the right thing to do and yada yada, I totally agree with her because her welfare is important, but I also feel bitter, because I think: "Bully for you. Wouldn't it be nice if life were like that for the rest of us?" Isn't that horrible?

Anyway...ranting...actually genuinely made me feel slightly better to rant though...
 
S

Stray

Guest
Ranting is good sometimes xx. Would reducing your working hours help at all? Could apply for working tax credit perhaps? I don't know what to suggest I'm sorry xx
 
N

notrealname

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
766
Ranting is good sometimes xx. Would reducing your working hours help at all? Could apply for working tax credit perhaps? I don't know what to suggest I'm sorry xx
Thanks again, Stray :) Don't worry, I wasn't really expecting advice as it's really more of a massive vent just to get it out of my system!! I do need to think about ways to restructure my life, though, including as you say part-time hours. I think my head is a bit too messed up to give it serious thought right now, it's too much to think about. But I do need to consider these things.
 
E

eulogy4anange1

Member
Joined
Mar 16, 2016
Messages
11
It sounds like you are on medication.
 
N

notrealname

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
766
I'm 29 and I have stopped taking medication a long time ago because you're right, it made all of these symptoms worse.
 
N

notrealname

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Messages
766
Ok, I have made my decision today. I don't feel stressed now, just completely hollowed out and weak all over. I feel like I can't physically do things now. I'm fairly sure it's my body reacting to how much I don't want to do anything rather than a physical problem, but there you go.

I haven't done any work today. My mind just won't take information in at all. It's like my brain is just really tired and won't function.

I have decided I want proper time off - like 3 months - regardless of which way I have to go to do that. I'm in probation so I will probably have to give up the job, but that's not an issue. I will get another job, I always do.

I've never really gone this far to help myself before and over the last 10 years I have repeatedly taken off 'some time' but gone back before I felt well. That's not working. My whole body is crying out to just rest and not have any responsibility for a little while until I'm strong enough to go back to it. I'm going to listen to it now. I'm going to have proper time off, do nothing for the first week or so - however long it takes me to naturally want to start again (and that does happen with me, I guess I have a driven personality so I never want to lie down and do nothing for too long, the motivation naturally comes back) - and then I want to pace up to a normal amount of activity slowly instead of rushing back to 'full activity'. I truly believe this will work because I'm listening to my guts and that's what my guts are telling me will work. It's exactly the kind of thing I would never have let myself do before. So I think that's what I should do.

I can see this will be stressful when it comes to benefits/employment/forms etc. but I might just enlist a couple of friends to give me a hand when those forms come in or when there are those things to do and see if they don't mind just sitting with me to get through it in exchange for a chat and a tea.
 
S

seekingsense2

Guest
I think it is a bold and brave step and an important one. CAB can help fill in any forms etc but I think you asking friends might be a better idea, that way you don't isolate yourself and become a person who's life revolves around medical and assessment meetings...I went through this for a while...it was necessary but draining and dull.
Best of luck with it.
 
N

notrealname

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
766
I think it is a bold and brave step and an important one. CAB can help fill in any forms etc but I think you asking friends might be a better idea, that way you don't isolate yourself and become a person who's life revolves around medical and assessment meetings...I went through this for a while...it was necessary but draining and dull.
Best of luck with it.
Thank you. I called my Mam to see if she wouldn't mind helping me with the initial practicals - getting to a doctor, sending off my sick note to the DWP etc.

I know that sounds ridiculous but my flatmate ended up cooking my lunch today (very nice of her) because the last few days I haven't been able to cook and I've stopped being able to get to the shop. I'm sure it's all in my head but this seems to happen to me. It's not that I'm sad, it's more like my brain literally slows down and my body slows down so it's like having no energy and not being able to process anything anymore. I've been speaking really slowly and I keep thinking it's ridiculous so then I try to speed up but my brain won't catch up. It's completely stupid.

Anyway, yeah, I felt like a loser asking my Mam to help me do insanely simple tasks but I figure if I can go through that indignity then it's actually going to get done and I'm not just going to end up lying on my sofa watching my savings get eaten up while I can't move myself enough to actually apply for benefits. So I have enlisted help and hopefully with that help things will be less stressful.
 
S

seekingsense2

Guest
I know how it feels to completely slow down...that lead weight that covers your body and brain and makes even heating something up a real chore.
Please apply for PIP too. It i not means tested and if you require prompts to help you to eat take meds etc you need to state that. Always think of your worst day ( I know I felt bad when applying because I thought am i 'bad enough' to apply for that) but my CMHT helped me fill it in and we were honest. It is worth a go. Having security as far as bills etc goes is also important to your health so I hope you get the help you need.
 
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