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ceccy

ceccy

Member
Joined
Apr 29, 2018
Messages
5
Location
West Wales
Hi, so I'm new to the forum and this is the first time I've posted. (BPD, OCD and anxiety)

I'm feeling completely lost at the moment and can feel myself slipping away from reality. I've struggled with depression since approx. 15 years old, although I'm pretty confident it has been since a much younger age but 15 was my first attempt. I've had several attempts since and self harmed. I've been through CAMHS and adult mental health several times over the last 9 years. I've been hospitalised in the past and done several CBT therapy groups etc.

I recently went back to the GP explaining how much I was struggling and that I was sick of feeling like this and having support then being left the second I seem to be in a better place. BPD has often been discussed with me but no diagnosis has been made, which I really wish they would just so it's an easier way to explain why I am the way I am. I got referred back to mental health and had a OT work with me, she was nice and I talked to her but I feel like nothing was achieved, she never wanted to discuss how I had been coping and never asked if I was feeling unsafe or anything. She just went through the CBT work that I've done twice already.

I went in for my appointment yesterday explaining I felt I was spiralling backwards and that my anxiety had been causing me to be physically unwell and that my OCD was becoming less manageable, repetitive thoughts, cleaning, routine, etc. is getting more and more overpowering. She said lets just work on this (the CBT stuff) and it should help... at the end of that appointment she told me I didn't need anymore appointments with her because we had finished recapping CBT.

I had my ESA assessment two days ago, they didn't once ask me about work, she kept asking when did I last attempt and how do I cope with being around people I said I don't cope and she said but you do, so how do you do it? I'm confident my ESA is going to be stopped. My mental health appointments have ended (although they felt like a waste of time anyway). My counsellor is driving me insane and I don't want to see her again plus I can't afford it anymore. My anxiety is becoming a physical problem. My OCD is making me obsess over everything. Usually mental health drop me as soon as I feel better, this time they've done it as I'm feeling like I'm slipping again.

Has anyone had these sorts of experiences? I am so so sick of feeling like this for 9 years going in and out of a system that seems to rely on work booklets to make everything okay again, it's like unless I'm attempting then it's not serious enough and if I do attempt then they get angry because "you have all this support".

I'm so sorry if this isn't making much sense and if it doesn't have much of a point. I just feel so lost, my head feels full of clouds, I don't know how to get back in control and I don't know if I want to because I know I'll end up back in this position down the line.

Any words of advice or just comfort will mean the world.
Thank you.
 
Drooo

Drooo

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 8, 2016
Messages
876
Location
UK
Hi and welcome.

Can I just ask what aspects it is that you struggle with the most, other than the OCD, and why it is that you suspect BPD?
 
ceccy

ceccy

Member
Joined
Apr 29, 2018
Messages
5
Location
West Wales
Hi,

BPD has been suggested by several doctors and mental health workers, I have been sectioned previously and during the meeting with several professionals, BPD was mentioned several times yet no one has said "you have BPD". One GP told me BPD doesn't exist and that it's just a word to describe an illness? BPD often gets mentioned due to having several of the 'typical signs'. My mood is very up and down, I don't feel like I know who I am, I'm often either very into something or not at all interested along with more. I struggle with not knowing what mood I'll be in, not knowing how I'm going react to things, I don't know what I should commit to because I may really be interested in something one day then not the next and I often doubt myself about things I think I do like.

I struggle with the unknown of it all and just feeling like I could break at any time.
 
Drooo

Drooo

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 8, 2016
Messages
876
Location
UK
Okay.

It's possible that you're already diagnosed with BPD but haven't been told, there have certainly been some stories on here like that, so next time you speak to one of the docs just ask them if you have a diagnosis.

Lots of doctors don't seem to respect the BPD illness. This seems to be because they can't pin it down, understand it properly, or treat it successfully. Maybe that's why that one doc said it didn't exist.

The 'unknown' as you describe it is really tough and there doesn't seem to be much in the way of help regarding this kind of thing as I've yet to see how they can control those types of things, the switches between things, dislikes/likes etc.

The only thing I can suggest at the moment is to try and keep a routine going. Getting up early and going to bed earlyish, at the same times preferably, getting some gentle exercise and keeping things fairly consistent and predictable for a while so that you're keeping things as balanced as possible in that regard.

Oh and keep a mood diary so you can plot what's going on with you. This may be helpful if a diagnosis hasn't been decided upon yet as it can provide 'evidence' of what you are like. My version is here if you want an idea - Keeping a Mood & Sleep Diary

P.S: Are you on medication at the moment?
 
ceccy

ceccy

Member
Joined
Apr 29, 2018
Messages
5
Location
West Wales
Thank you, your reply has comforted me a lot, I'm going to try and hunt down some more help from mental health as I feel the support has been ended too soon again. Yes I am on setraline, had a recent increase in dosage about a month or so ago.
 
Drooo

Drooo

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 8, 2016
Messages
876
Location
UK
Just a word of caution. For me, antidepressants made things worse in the end. I think they probably did help to get me out of a depression in the beginning, but in its place came a horrible kind of turmoil or distress. Now, this might be because my diagnosis isn't quite correct, or it could be that I didn't need to be on them for quite so long; not because I was back to good mental health, because I wasn't, just that they had peaked in their effectiveness. Either way, I felt they made my illness worse in that they kept me in a perpetual state of distress and added anxiety too, something I only truly realized once I came off them.

I was, however, taking a different antidepressant in Venlafaxine, which is an SNRI, not an SSRI like Sertaline, and I was at a high dose. And latterly two other different meds as well. So it might just be that combination or that combination in relation to whatever the hell it is that I have going on!

I'm not suggesting you stop taking them, just to try and keep an eye on how things are and to assess their effectiveness as you go along, which you should do anyway.
 
S

seekjoydaily

Member
Joined
Apr 25, 2018
Messages
6
So sorry you are going through all this and feel like the system is not helping you when you need help. I feel like sometimes the system applies a cookie cutter approach rather than approaching each individual as an individual. Sounds like you are frustrated with your current counselor. Is there a way you can get a different one? Sometimes finding the right one who is a good fit, is a trial and error approach. Are you currently taking meds? Who is supervising that --your primary care doctor, or your counselor, or a psychiatrist? Keep speaking up and advocating for yourself, until you feel like you are heard! I know it's hard, especially when you are feeling like you are at the moment. Do you have a friend or family member who can be an advocate for you? Don't give up! I will be praying that you find the help you need!
 
S

sakurablossom

Member
Joined
Aug 8, 2018
Messages
22
Hello,
Thanks for posting..i've felt similarly for ages now (25, ocd, anxiety, depression, possible bpd, dysmorphic etc)
Ive been through the self harm and constant doubt, several changes in meds and doses..equally, suggestions of bpd, but no diagnosis that im aware of..honestly though, after two therapists that couldnt help or see my point of view, and after one group dredging up past issues and causing me to mess up a stable job, i stopped trying to figure out what was wrong..but now im back at it..im just scared it'll dredge up more issues that im kinda coping with in some ways at least.
I dont like indulging the docs or being completely open because im scared of what you've been through, plus after having relatives put on a coffee table full of meds and left comatose unable to do anything..with another changing meds so often the docs put her on a ward. :cry:
I feel your pain, and, while i havent accepted as much of thier apparent ^help^, its for the very reasons you mention. Is there anything you'd suggest?
I just hope things get better for you :hug: Maybe better diagnosis might help..or maybe they've just not found the right mix of meds? Thats my constant thoughts...
 
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