Feel like persona non grata

G

Girl interupted

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Too many meltdowns. Too much drama.

I totally understand.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
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The nasty voice that had been gone for a year is back again. And it’s telling me I’m a useless piece of crap.

The irony is that I hate attention, so I’m not sure why I’m posting.

I guess I feel lost.

And I thought I had found a touchstone here, but here doesn’t feel safe anymore.

So I get why everyone has backed off.

I would, too.

It’s too much.
 
G

Girl interupted

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I have tried four times this week to try to talk to my dad about my grandfather. And failed.

I stop myself because I don’t want to hear his response, his denial.

The last time I tried to share about the gang rape, his first response was to ask if I had been drinking.

I don’t think I could bear to her his response to this.

Somehow it would be my fault.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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The nasty voice that had been gone for a year is back again. And it’s telling me I’m a useless piece of crap.

The irony is that I hate attention, so I’m not sure why I’m posting.

I guess I feel lost.

And I thought I had found a touchstone here, but here doesn’t feel safe anymore.

So I get why everyone has backed off.

I would, too.

It’s too much.
Please take a deep breath. These are just thoughts you are having. Remember thoughts aren’t necessarily true, they’re just thoughts. Ground yourself and wait for your feelings to change.
This place is very safe for you. 🤗
 
L

Lunar Lady

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The nasty voice that had been gone for a year is back again. And it’s telling me I’m a useless piece of crap.

The irony is that I hate attention, so I’m not sure why I’m posting.

I guess I feel lost.

And I thought I had found a touchstone here, but here doesn’t feel safe anymore.

So I get why everyone has backed off.

I would, too.

It’s too much.
I've not backed off, hun.

Writing to you by PM xxx
 
Lunus

Lunus

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I have tried four times this week to try to talk to my dad about my grandfather. And failed.

I stop myself because I don’t want to hear his response, his denial.

The last time I tried to share about the gang rape, his first response was to ask if I had been drinking.

I don’t think I could bear to her his response to this.

Somehow it would be my fault.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. Remember you are only responsible for you and your behaviour. What others think is up to them and is no reflection on you, the person you are today.
 
G

Girl interupted

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I'm not even 1/4 of the person I was in my 30s. Duck water back.

Now everything impacts me.

And drama. Self inflicted drama.

And paranoia that everyone hates me.
 
L

Lunar Lady

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Therapy is extremely hard going without a pressurised career...you're alternating between being a high-functioning professional one minute...and being thrust back into your childhood the next.
Your coping mechanism of keeping these two states separate is to wipe the mental slate clean with alcohol...eat.. sleep...repeat.

Therapy will make you feel small, vulnerable, defenceless and emotionally raw.

Nobody hates you, GI. You are highly respected here and valued.
 
G

Girl interupted

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I am so not.

I thought I was strong.

I am so weak.
 
L

Lunar Lady

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You've been carrying a rucksack full of boulders for decades.

Needing to put that weight down now doesn't mean you aren't strong.
 
G

Girl interupted

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The hard part is they're starting to pick on me over going to therapy.

I am getting the "why do go twice a week?" "It has to be exactly one hour (for lunchtime)"

So if my doctor is behind I sometimes only get 20 minute sessions.

I am going to regret this thread tomorrow, but you are right, the juggling is brutal.

So I wind up suppressing and exploding. Stupid viscous cycle.
 
L

Lunar Lady

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Get some sleep.

There'll be a Pm waiting for you in the morning. xx
 
D

dewey

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Nobody backed off... youre just feeling low so youre perceiving it that people have backed off. You shouldnt regret making a thread
 
Lunus

Lunus

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The hard part is they're starting to pick on me over going to therapy.

I am getting the "why do go twice a week?" "It has to be exactly one hour (for lunchtime)"

So if my doctor is behind I sometimes only get 20 minute sessions.

I am going to regret this thread tomorrow, but you are right, the juggling is brutal.

So I wind up suppressing and exploding. Stupid viscous cycle.
No regrets. Today is another day. You are stronger than you imagine, you are liked and well thought of. You can do this even if you think you can’t. Here’s some words for you to repeat to yourself.

I like myself
I am worthy
I matter
I can do this
I am loveable
I’m proud of myself

Be kind to yourself today. 😘
 
G

Girl interupted

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Messages
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So this is becoming a very negative pattern in me.

I start to hear that angry voice again, the merciless voice that berates me and tortures me, then I have a drink to drown it out, then I come here and whine. And drag you all through my pain.

I am insecure and not behaving like an adult and you all do what you can to soothe. I am grateful for that but I recognize that it is reinforcing this negative behaviour.

Like a toddler in a toy store throwing a fit.

When it’s happening, the pain is very real. I would not invent anything like that.

But it’s not fair to drag you all with me.

So I’m ashamed and embarrassed today and I don’t know how to do this any better.

I need you all. But I don’t want to take you on my ride.

How do I get support when I need it without this pattern. I want it to stop.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Tigger and Willow's house UK
So this is becoming a very negative pattern in me.

I start to hear that angry voice again, the merciless voice that berates me and tortures me, then I have a drink to drown it out, then I come here and whine. And drag you all through my pain.

I am insecure and not behaving like an adult and you all do what you can to soothe. I am grateful for that but I recognize that it is reinforcing this negative behaviour.

Like a toddler in a toy store throwing a fit.

When it’s happening, the pain is very real. I would not invent anything like that.

But it’s not fair to drag you all with me.

So I’m ashamed and embarrassed today and I don’t know how to do this any better.

I need you all. But I don’t want to take you on my ride.

How do I get support when I need it without this pattern. I want it to stop.
you can post as much as you need to for support, girl :hug:
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Messages
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Location
Norfolk
So this is becoming a very negative pattern in me.

I start to hear that angry voice again, the merciless voice that berates me and tortures me, then I have a drink to drown it out, then I come here and whine. And drag you all through my pain.

I am insecure and not behaving like an adult and you all do what you can to soothe. I am grateful for that but I recognize that it is reinforcing this negative behaviour.

Like a toddler in a toy store throwing a fit.

When it’s happening, the pain is very real. I would not invent anything like that.

But it’s not fair to drag you all with me.

So I’m ashamed and embarrassed today and I don’t know how to do this any better.

I need you all. But I don’t want to take you on my ride.

How do I get support when I need it without this pattern. I want it to stop.
Do not worry about others. Focus on yourself. This forum is here for posting your worries and concerns. Please do not feel ashamed or embarrassed about anything you post. Everyone loves you on here. x
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
just dropping by to say ,I take notes of your posts and respect you very much as a person
I hope you feel well soon
love Lu xxx
 
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