Feel like nothings ever going to change. Really struggling

[Lost2020]

I’ve had depression for years - since I was a teen so over 25yrs now. I have good and bad periods but these last few years it just seems to have been more low than good.
I’m feeling mire &more like I just don’t want to be here anymore. I won’t do anything because of my children, but it doesn’t stop me feeling this way. I feel like a failure as a mum, my eldest daughter hates me and constantly points out the fact that I can’t hold a good relationship,I wS married to the kids dad but he was abusive, I eventually left him after 16yrs, i then had a relationship that was even worse - he was a narcissist and completely broke me down. I got out of that after a couple of years with help from professionals.
Im left with ptsd on top of everything else, but had edmr which helped a bit.
im on the max dose of antidepressants which I guess help a bit, but the feelings of not wanting to be here anymore are getting more often.
I spoke to a nurse at the docs who told me to refer myself for counselling (which I haven’t done yet because of the virus).
Ive got 3 other kids at home (eldest has her own place). 2 of them have additional needs and it’s hard doing it all on my own. I can’t work due to the needs of one of mine, so we don’t have much money which means I’m always having to say no to things. When I do manage to put some aside for us to go and do anything -my older boy never wants to come. He doesn’t come out of his room and spend anytime with me at all. Yet their dad comes to take them out and he’s up, ready & happy to go.
I know it’s my own fault - I shouldn’t have stAyed in those relationships for as long as I did, and because of the ptsd I moved us all to another county as I couldn’t cope living where I was anymore - something the kids weren’t keen to do.
I just wish I could be a better mum and change everything for us, I wanted to have good relationships with my kids but it feels like I’ve failed them that much that they don’t want to be around me anymore.Part of me wants to just disappear next time they’re out with their dad, then he can have them and maybe they’ll be happier

 

[lyesander]

You haven't failed them. You did the best you could do with the situation you were given. I know a lot of counselling services are doing telehealth, setting up an online appointment I think is the first step.

 

[bpd2020]

I am so sad you think so badly of yourself. It is not your fault you dated unsuitable people. My guess is you were vulnerable and they took advantage of that. It is so hard to get out of such relationships but you did it in the end. That takes amazing courage.

I am very sorry your eldest daughter does not understand what you went through. I can only imagine how much her comments must have hurt you. Can I just say, your son not wanting to be with you could just be due to his age. He may look forward to seeing his father because he does not live with him so he is more of a novelty.

You sound like you love your children. You care about their well being and you left abusive people to protect them. You are a good mother in my eyes. You cannot help having depression. Depression needs understanding and support and it does not really sound like you have had that.

I am sorry you have not had any therapy. I think it will really help. A lot of therapy is happening by phone now so you do not have to worry about the virus situation.

I think you did the right thing by moving counties. It means you are less likely to bump into the people who abused you. Please do not blame yourself for not leaving the relationships earlier. You were in a very difficult situation.

You did the right thing in posting here. You will find a lot of support.

 

[treasurebox]

It is sad that your children are distant from you. Try to understand them and try to be gentle and as sweet as possible when talking with them. Do not say hurtful words. As much as possible do not scold them when they do wrong, but again speak with gentleness and make consequences for their wrongs, like no gadgets for 2 hours or so. Try to involve yourself in their activities and cook or bake their favorite food. You may write a love letter for each of your children expressing your love to them and your apology if you may have hurt them in anyway and also write that you want to get closer to them again. It will take some time before they realize your love for them, but there will come a time that they will see and appreciate your love and care for them. Do not give up. You are enough for your children. They need you. Counseling will be good for you.