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Feel like I need to be happy to be loved

C

Char12

Member
Joined
Jul 25, 2012
Messages
13
I've been feeling depressed on and off for a long time now. I got into a relationship and I felt so happy and he treated me like gold. I recently felt very bad again. I told him I felt depressed and generally ill and that I was going to the doctors, I asked if he'd come for support (as he's asked me many time's to go with him). However I never really showed how bad I felt and only saw him on days where I felt like I could act "normal". Even though, it has started to feel like he's withdrawing, which made my depression worse as I felt like I contributed towards his wthdrawal. When I went to the doctors, he "forgot" to meet me there and it turns out I have had ongoing Vitamin B12 and iron deficiency which has made me ill and depressed. I have to have injections every 3 months for the rest of my life.

I currently have to have these injections weekly to get the vitamin into me. The doctors says I should start seeing results after the third injection but at the moment I still feel very depressed. As much as I try to stay positive, the truth is I can't fake it all the time. When he see's me sad he'll just tell me to "cheer up" etc and it's not like i'm expecting him to cure me but I just want him to act like he used to. I want to be happy so he will do. At the moment though, I just feel like avoiding him so I don't have the added pressure of faking it anymore.. because I don't feel like he supports me when I am sad. I've read plenty of websites saying I shouldn't expect him to either, so I'm very confused about what I should expect from him. I feel like I either have to be happy (when I can't really be.. ) or break up with him so he doesn't have to put up with me. I've tried taking to him about him withdrawing but he either says he doesn't know what i'm talking about, i'm picking fights or that he'll make more of an effort, then doesn't. Recently my self esteem and sex drive has gone downhill because I stupidly asked if he prefers smoking filter to having sex with me and he said laughed and hinted towards yes. When I was visibly upset, he said "well you asked!" and I didn't even say anything back out of fear or looking like I was picking another fight. I feel like although he contributed towards my sadness, it's always my fault for doing things in the first place. e.g If i'm hurt that he wants to go on holiday with friends instead of me now, it's my fault for not having many friends I can go on holiday with. I never know whether he's in the wrong, whether I am, whether I have a right to be hurt or I should break up with him or whether it's just the depression clouding my judgement.

I've been trying to focus on myself but nothings working out, can't find a job, any classes to join and have only 1 friend to spend time with which isn't a lot. His social life is packed and everything just seems to come to him. I feel this is why he takes me forgranted so much nowadays.

I'm just venting.. having a very bad day. Any advice is always appreciated.
 
S

secretsurvivor1

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 27, 2013
Messages
306
Location
SW UK
I am so sorry to read how sad you are feeling and how he seems to not care. I don't know what advice to give, as it is hard to know. I wonder if you hid away from him when you were v low and he has backed off as if rejected by you? He may not understand about what actual depression is really like. When you are depressed, you can misinterpret or read remarks in an overly negative light. He may have said that about smoking as a messing about silly comment for a giggle (in that he may have meant "of course not, I prefer you hands down, how could you even ask?") but your negative interpretation may have taken it to heart. He may be struggling to spend time with you because he doesn't know what to say and only wants to find a way to cheer you up, which is impossible before your deficiency is cured.

Alternatively, your depression may not be the problem, he may be mistreating you and not showing enough affection and concern. It would be hard to tell from your email, but is equally possible I think. (Some people only want to spend time with good-fun people, and don't bother with people they find miserable).

If I were you, I would consider that, in my depression I may not be the best judge of whether he is being mean or well-meaning, and just try to keep him on the back burner while you get your injections. After them, if he is still around you can decide if you want him still around. Just my thoughts. Do what feels right for you; don't blindly follow outsiders advice; you know best what is good for you.

Whatever happens, you are not alone, so concentrate on what is best for you.
 
Toasted Crumpet

Toasted Crumpet

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Feb 11, 2013
Messages
8,424
Location
under the Forum Troll bridge
I'm sorry you feel so unsupported by your boyfriend. it is difficult for me to know what to say as I have never had a relationship with a "normal" person, and for me while I wouldn't want to bring someone down I would actually have an expectation of support if I am down, so I don't know what websites you have been looking at that tell you not to expect support, I would strongly disagree with them.

What I would say though, is that if you are in a relationship and feel like you have to pretend to be what you are not in order to keep it, then this is a problem and maybe not the relationship for you.

but it is for you to decide what you want to do, it may be that you and your boyfriend start to drift apart anyway if he is so involved in other things, or it may be that you start to feel better and things pick up between you once you have your own life sorted.

Maybe hold off on making a decision about the relationship until you are in a better place, at least until the B12 starts to take effect.

I personally don't like the way he seems to be blaming you for things, but obviously I don't know him and what the relationship is like. My partner for instance has lots of friends and I have none, I don't stop him spending time with his friends but he does make time for me also, which i would think is normal in relationships.

There is also something else I would say, if the relationship is right he would not feel he is putting up with you. I say this as I remember saying to my partner I didn't know how he puts up with me (I too have depression) and he said there is no "up" to put with as he enjoys being with me. Now depression can be wearing for the other person but if they feel they are being some sort of martyr being with you then I would question that too.

Ultimately it is up to you, those are just my thoughts and my opinion. Take care of yourself first. x
 
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