Feel like I just want the pain to stop

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Green2009

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#1
I have been suffering from depression on and off for the past 15yrs. To look at me 99% of the time you would not know anything was wrong as I hide it all inside. But recently things have been getting worse, I have mood swings that occur for entire days or a few times in a 10min period, I see myself as more of a failure with everyday I get older and now I have found out that someone I care about more than anything in this world has betrayed me and I feel like my heart has been ripped into a 1000 pieces. I have always felt like the world would be better without me, but now I am
Getting serious about it. I am going to see the doctor this morning as I don't feel like I can go on. I even feel guilty about posting as these are my problems and I shouldn't burden others. Thank you for giving me somewhere to get it out as I am feeling pretty lonely an hopeless sitting here at 5:30am.
 
S

starfish

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#2
Hello and :welcome: Its good you've posted here everyone is very friendly and helpfull. Deppression is very debilitating, and unpleasant as well as tiring. You mention mood swings within a 10 minute period. Do you think you could have Bi polar, just a thought. Let us know how you get on at the doctors this morning.:hug:
 
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Green2009

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#3
Thank you for being so welcoming. The doctor has prescribed me sleeping tablets, as she said I need to get some sleep, and refered me to a counsellor is is contacting me today.
 
Sen

Sen

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#4
I know it may sound dumb,but I really don't want you to feel guilty for the way you feel.You don't seem to be coping very well and that's nothing to be ashamed of.This world can get too much for anyone on a good day let alone on a bad one.The world just seems to becoming darker and darker and I want you to post as much as you want/need to if it can shine a light into that darkness.
 
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Green2009

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#5
This morning is the first morning in a while when I have not woken up and started to cry or instantly think hurting myself. Yesterday I opened up more than I have ever done in my entire life. I spoke honestly about the feelings I have been having and the baggage I have been carrying around with me since being a teenage. I opened up to one of my friends about this as well and talked bout things that I am ashamed of and deeply embarressed about and I felt like a weight ha been taken off my shoulders. I did manage to get a few hours sleep last night which helped a lot. The shame, hang ups, mood swings and heartbreak is still there but I am trying to get through it and that is all I can do.
 
S

starfish

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#6
Hello Green, glad your moving on, you may have ups and downs but your going in the right direction. I find it helps to start a daily journal so you can get things out of your head and down on paper or the computer. I hope the coucelling helps. Take care and keep posting on here.:hug1:
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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#7
This morning is the first morning in a while when I have not woken up and started to cry or instantly think hurting myself. Yesterday I opened up more than I have ever done in my entire life. I spoke honestly about the feelings I have been having and the baggage I have been carrying around with me since being a teenage. I opened up to one of my friends about this as well and talked bout things that I am ashamed of and deeply embarressed about and I felt like a weight ha been taken off my shoulders. I did manage to get a few hours sleep last night which helped a lot. The shame, hang ups, mood swings and heartbreak is still there but I am trying to get through it and that is all I can do.
hi Green

I am feeling exactly the same as you.

you are not alone, I just wanted to tell you that.

BDU
 
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Green2009

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#8
Thank you BDU and everyone one else who have responded or read my posts. I'm continuing to try and address and open up about everything. It's amazing that you can have friends and family but still feel so alone. But posting and reading the forums has made me realise that there are so many others who feel the same. I started today well, but have had several moments that made me feel the same again and I hve been unable to hide them as it usually would. So now I have tried To accept that I need to let myself gradually get better and not get too disheartened when I slip up so I can finally address these feelings and issues that have made so much of my life so miserable. Thank you again to everyone here. I will continue to post. No one should ever have to feel alone and ashamed and this site and the past 5 days has taught me we are not. My love to all of you
 
Shadow-one

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#9
Hi Green

I'm glad you're already feeling some benefits from joining the forum.. It's amazing I think at the start when you realise that's its not just you feeling so different to all those around you - there are plenty of others here who share the same experiences..

I admire that you have started talking to others in your life about how you feel... I have bpd and also suffer from depressive episodes but I cannot share this with anyone. I grew up silent as my childhood was very difficult so I find it extremely difficult to start talking now..

I do have a therapist that I see weekly though whom i'd be lost without..

Anyway I hope things pick up for you and you become happier in your life.. I totally get what you say about being surrounded by people yet feeling alone.. that sums up my life.

Take care
Shadow
 
O

oldmaid

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#10
I feel so much for you love. You are not burdening anybody as a problem shared is a problem halved. I hope you get on ok with your doctor. I would love to know how you got on. I am going to see mine on Tuesday and am dreading it. At the moment I work nights so if I see you on the forum in the night I will answer you straight away. Good luck and Happy New Year. Here's hoping 2017 will be better.
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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#11
Hi Green, please never feel guilty for talking about your troubles on here. That's what this forum is for. It sounds like you have been through a lot, and then to have someone you care about deeply betray your trust is absolutely devastating. I've been through something similar, and I know how much it hurts. I'm glad you are getting some help, and I hope your sleep improves. I know how hard it is to function with chronic insomnia, and that could very well be contributing to your depression.
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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#12
insomnia is foul, it will send you mad, or at least make you feel like youre going mad.

:hug:

youd think if they could put a man on the moon theyd come up with an insomnia cure wouldn't you. :(

insomnia, should I say the side effects of it, is what killed Michael Jackson. He was so desperate for a good nights sleep he would get his doctor to inject Fentanyl which can (and did) stop the heart.
 
Nikita

Nikita

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#13
I am in pain too tonight,too much sugar again,I had six Lindt chocolates off the Christmas tree and also about ten marshmellows with a drink of hot chocolate,I am so depressed!Miserable, not looking forwards to anything,I feel like death warmed up.I am getting a headache and my chest is full of phlenm and I have a cough still.I am feeling like shit,yet again!Stuff me,why always do I feel so bad and why am I always alone and why am I alone again on New Year's Eve,does anyone have any words of comfort for me,please?
 
C

Crazy Lady In Stanton

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#14
Hi Green,
I'm glad you found this site, and I hope you start feeling better soon.
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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#15
I am in pain too tonight,too much sugar again,I had six Lindt chocolates off the Christmas tree and also about ten marshmellows with a drink of hot chocolate,I am so depressed!Miserable, not looking forwards to anything,I feel like death warmed up.I am getting a headache and my chest is full of phlenm and I have a cough still.I am feeling like shit,yet again!Stuff me,why always do I feel so bad and why am I always alone and why am I alone again on New Year's Eve,does anyone have any words of comfort for me,please?
Hi Nikita

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. You sound really miserable with that horrible cold. It's the last thing any of us need at this time of the year - its hard enough to get through without adding illness to it..

At least you had some chocolate - it always gives me a momentary lift :)

I'm feeling like crap too without the illness part. I am going through a very difficult depressive episode and am finding everything difficult. I have a long night ahead with my husband mom and children to keep up appearances :(

I'm sure some wine will help - purely medicinal!!

Let's hope next year will be better... I'm really sorry you're alone.. Stay on the forum as the night goes on and maybe you won't feel it so bad.. Look on it as just another normal night and forget the rest..

Catch up with you later Nikita... Have some cold and flu meds and hopefully they will kick in..

Shadow
 
R

RubyGloom

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#16
I am in pain too tonight,too much sugar again,I had six Lindt chocolates off the Christmas tree and also about ten marshmellows with a drink of hot chocolate,I am so depressed!Miserable, not looking forwards to anything,I feel like death warmed up.I am getting a headache and my chest is full of phlenm and I have a cough still.I am feeling like shit,yet again!Stuff me,why always do I feel so bad and why am I always alone and why am I alone again on New Year's Eve,does anyone have any words of comfort for me,please?
Same as you with this crappy cold. It gave me sinusitus and now a load of gunk I'm coughing up.
And losing my voice because of the coughing, lol.
Get well soon!
X
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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#17
I was almost literally reeling with bullshit last night and I took a pill and went to bed and feel so much better today.

I'm no fan of Big Pharma but used in the right way, it can be a life saver.

I find even a Paracetamol is calming.
 
Nikita

Nikita

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#18
Perked up a bit now,my chest has settled down.
I ate a pomegranate,very calming,and I have just had a shower,relaxing,so am perked up,low but not severely depressed.
I may have some prosecco and nuts to bring in the new year.Gonna watch Graham Norton,should I see the New Year in with the celebrations in Edinburgh and the Robbie Williams concert on BBC 1 or stick to tried and tested Jools Holland on BBC2.I might go with BBC1 cos Jools Holland is a poser!
 
Nikita

Nikita

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#19
Thanks for your support guys,Rubygloom and shadow-one,I hope you get through tonight ok,shadow,it isn't fun pretending you are ok when you feel like shit.Hot toddy for you Rubygloom,hope your voice lasts outxxx
 
G

Green2009

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#20
Sorry been off for a few days. Meant to post yesterday, but I had a few wobbles an needed to take stock. Glad to hear everyone has gotten through NYE okay. The holidays really are rubbish when you are feeling down and everyone always act super happy on new year which makes it even tougher. This year is the first time since I was 15 that I have not gotten wasted as I now know drinking irresponsibly is not going to help me. Not going to preach to anyone that they should do this or that, but just saying I know that excessive drinking is not going to help me. Yesterday was rubbish and I felt all over the place but today is better and there are better days around the corner for all of us. We just need to get to them. I'm sorry if anyone thinks I am being patronising, that is not my intent. This is just how I genuinely feel. x
 

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