Feel I may be developing blackouts

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failingsanity04

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#1
hi, I am at a bad place in my life at the moment, but I am not looking for support exactly. I am however looking for honest answers in reply to this post whether they be negative or positive as I would always rather be hurt by the worst truth than fooled by the best lie. So if you think the worst may be possible, please don't hold back and tell me because that will help me confront the objective reality of the situation rather than delude myself into thinking everything is ok. I therefore am particularly looking for people who have suffered from both groups being Dissociative Identity Disorder and Depersonalization Disorder and Anxiety so I can compare symptoms which is why I have posted this to forums for each disorder.

Now, in respect to what is going on, I need to go back in the past. When I was about 11, I was being repeatedly bullied and stopped leaving the house, a situation I was comfortable with which was not necessarily due to overwhelming anxiety but just due to comfort. I became a schizoid somewhat.
When I was 15, I suffered a severe loss that to this day I have not gotten over. To cope with this, at the time I remember holding my breath and forcing myself to stop crying and it worked with the price of not being able to properly feel any emotion whatsoever. I was comfortably numb.
When I was 16, I developed schizophrenia. The mental health system sectioned me and I was in hospital for two years and then again for another two. The anger I felt 24/7 towards the doctors, the staff, the people who were bullying me in the hospital and the objects of my delusions was so overwhelming that sometimes I found it hard to breathe and sleep.

Up to the present day (I'm 26 now), not a day goes by that I don't feel overwhelming hatred for this entire world and everything it has done to me, but I managed to find somewhat of a solace in reading and sleeping. I have been out of hospital for a year and a half and was becoming positive about life despite not being able to fully experience it but out of the blue I developed more symptoms. Without going into it too much, my depersonalization-derealization got much worse. I want you to imagine the following: you'll be doing something and all of a sudden you feel like you've lost consciousness for a split second and a little palpitation wakes you up similiar to a myoclonic jerk which is where people nod off only to be abruptly woken up by the fact that their head has dropped. This is the symptom I am noticing along with all the feelings of loss of identity and unreality. Pragmatically speaking, my doctor thinks it is just anxiety but I think he's missing something. When these attacks happen (on a daily basis) I cannot think, speak or anything, it's like I have frozen or that I'm not there. I cannot tell whether it is a small panic attack or the beginning of uncontrollable blackouts.

My question therefore is to the people with depersonalization-derealization disorder is do you ever have this and do you manage to live through life experiencing it but not ever blacking out completely?

My question to the people in the other forum with dissociative identity disorder and dissociative amnesia is whether this phenomena I am describing is similiar to what you feel when you black out and did it start like this?
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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#2
Hi,
Wanted to welcome you to the forum, have you had any heart tests? Or head scans to rule out physical causes.
Sorry your going thru this, I have schizophrenia.
What meds are you on?
Take care
 
SunnyDaze

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#3
Hi there,and welcome.

Since you just want honesty,that's what I will give you.Keep in mind I'm not a professional at all and it's only my personal opinion.

I don't think it sounds like DID(dissociative identity disorder).DID developes at a very young age,I'm not exactly sure but pretty sure severe,prolonged abuse must happen before the age of 5 to cause it.Therefore you wouldn't "be developing" blackouts now at age 26,they would have been happening your whole life,since the age of developing DID,it wouldn't be something new.

It doesn't sound like depersonalization or derealization to me either.It sounds like maybe a medication side effect or something and definitely something you should be talking to your doctor about if you don't agree that it's anxiety(which it could possibly be,anxiety can cause many different symptoms)
 
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S

schizophrenic123

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#4
I have schizophrenia so this might not be what your looking for but I thought sharing might help.
I used to think I was blacking out when I had certain things happen with my schizophrenia. I was still conscious but it felt like a blackout.
I also felt like I was in a falling elevator when I was sleeping and woke up quickly. It was my heart murmur but it didn’t feel like it at the time. My heart skips a beat.
 
F

failingsanity04

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#5
Hi,
Wanted to welcome you to the forum, have you had any heart tests? Or head scans to rule out physical causes.
Sorry your going thru this, I have schizophrenia.
What meds are you on?
Take care
No I have not had any of those tests.
I am on Olanzapine 20mg and due to the recent troubles, the doctor put me on sertraline at the lowest dose however because it gave me diarrhea all of the time so they changed it to fluoxetine also at the lowest dose which the doctor has plans to increase. The sertraline seemed to help but the prozac does nothing.
I cannot see anywhere on the side effects for either of these meds that they produce such symptoms.
take care as well.
 
F

failingsanity04

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#6
Hi there,and welcome.

Since you just want honesty,that's what I will give you.Keep in mind I'm not a professional at all and it's only my personal opinion.

I don't think it sounds like DID(dissociative identity disorder).DID developes at a very young age,I'm not exactly sure but pretty sure severe,prolonged abuse must happen before the age of 5 to cause it.Therefore you wouldn't "be developing" blackouts now at age 26,they would have been happening your whole life,since the age of developing DID,it wouldn't be something new.

It doesn't sound like depersonalization or derealization to me either.It sounds like maybe a medication side effect or something and definitely something you should be talking to your doctor about if you don't agree that it's anxiety(which it could possibly be,anxiety can cause many different symptoms)
Yes this is what other DID sufferers have said.
thanks
 
F

failingsanity04

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#7
I have schizophrenia so this might not be what your looking for but I thought sharing might help.
I used to think I was blacking out when I had certain things happen with my schizophrenia. I was still conscious but it felt like a blackout.
I also felt like I was in a falling elevator when I was sleeping and woke up quickly. It was my heart murmur but it didn’t feel like it at the time. My heart skips a beat.
That is sort of what happens to me while awake in other's presence.
 
S

schizophrenic123

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#8
That is sort of what happens to me while awake in other's presence.

Maybe you can write down after the “blackouts” happen :what your feeling and what is going on in your life that you view as stressful and see if their is a pattern, if it is then your doctor was right. I hope you find the answer your looking for :hug:
 
B

Bogomil

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#9
Hi! I am sorry you are experiencing such unpleasant sensations. I have DID, but never occured to me such simptoms. I am not a specialist in mental health, but what you are describing might be, just might be a sort of panick attack of some intensity. Also, the myoclonic jerk might be a sign of oligominerals depletion, posibly calcium, which is frequent especially on women, so paraclinic examination might be of some help to rule out this origin. But corelated with the fact that when this signs appear you cannot move, think or speak, it points more to a sort of panic attack. During the dissociation/depersonalisation episodes I had very different sensations, as being in a movie, as I am out of my body, as everything around me is not real, that parts of my body (hands, feet, my face) are not mine, but of somebody's else, I felt like invisible or like the time froze and I am moving in slow motion. Sometimes I had halucinations, seeing things or people who does not exist; they looked 100% real, appearing in front of me out of the blue sky and dissapearing after a very short time in the same manner. Also, I experienced the sensation of loosing my mind, so badly being the sensation that I thought I will shout out loud in the street. I hope this words will be of some sort of help to you :)
 
F

failingsanity04

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#10
Maybe you can write down after the “blackouts” happen :what your feeling and what is going on in your life that you view as stressful and see if their is a pattern, if it is then your doctor was right. I hope you find the answer your looking for :hug:
I don't think there's a pattern, it seems pretty random. But I will bear that in mind. thanks.
 
F

failingsanity04

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#11
Hi! I am sorry you are experiencing such unpleasant sensations. I have DID, but never occured to me such simptoms. I am not a specialist in mental health, but what you are describing might be, just might be a sort of panick attack of some intensity. Also, the myoclonic jerk might be a sign of oligominerals depletion, posibly calcium, which is frequent especially on women, so paraclinic examination might be of some help to rule out this origin. But corelated with the fact that when this signs appear you cannot move, think or speak, it points more to a sort of panic attack. During the dissociation/depersonalisation episodes I had very different sensations, as being in a movie, as I am out of my body, as everything around me is not real, that parts of my body (hands, feet, my face) are not mine, but of somebody's else, I felt like invisible or like the time froze and I am moving in slow motion. Sometimes I had halucinations, seeing things or people who does not exist; they looked 100% real, appearing in front of me out of the blue sky and dissapearing after a very short time in the same manner. Also, I experienced the sensation of loosing my mind, so badly being the sensation that I thought I will shout out loud in the street. I hope this words will be of some sort of help to you :)
This is quite worrying because I can relate to this a lot. My body does not feel like my own and I feel like a floating automaton. I also have a sensation and strong fear of going crazy on someone such that I can almost feel the words coming out of my mouth like I am about to shout out. I can relate to your post quite a lot even if not the myoclonic jerks.
Thanks for your help. :)
 
B

Bogomil

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#12
I am happy that what I wrote was of some help to you. Maybe as some sort of good news (I am trying to stay positive both for me AND you) dissociation is a form of protection, some mechanisms that our body developed in face of some trauma. The good part, as I see it (even if the simptoms of dissociation are not all pleasant) is that at least there is some sort of protection and that one, based on this mechanism, is able to find the roots of the fear, of the anxiety, with the help of a professional and through CBT to find new ways to cope with the past trauma and the future trauma or trauma-like events or triggers. My psych is working with me on this and with small steps, there is progress, which I am sure it will work also for you if you decide to face the roots of your trauma. Stay safe and keep posting :)

LE: myoclonic jerks, apart of being produced by hypocalcemia, might be a sign of extreme stress. On a second thought, very, very rare, I experienced some form of this kind of myoclonic jerks during day time and with no corelation with triggers, usually I corelated them with long periods of intense anxiety. More frequent I experienced them when I was going to bed, few seconds before I fell asleep.
 
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failingsanity04

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#13
Do you mind me asking what it is actually like to blackout? Do you have some intuition that you are going to blackout, does something show you that it's about to happen? Are there warning signs?
 
M

Mix-Tape

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#14
Hello FailingSanity04.

Hope you a feeling better now than in January , how is you mood this week ?
You mention that you are concerned about loss of consciousness or blackouts , well i have had two blackouts within six months which i believe in my case are linked to anxiety & depression.

The first blackout i had was in a supermarket in the evening in November 2017 and the second was when i was driving my car at 5am in the morning in Feb. 2018 , i had a blackout , lost control of my car then ended up down the embankment on the dual carriageway with injuries , to this day i feel so lucky to be alive.

In both cases i ended up in an ambulance and sent to the city hospital A&E for tests, the first time they thought it was a stroke but all test results came back clear. Now i awaiting Neurology tests in April , DVLA have now suspended my driving licence until their medical team have come to a decision with my consultant and doctor . It is a worrying time and my future without a driving licence is very uncertain.
 
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TheHatter

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#15
Hi, what you discribe sounds like a Psychogenic blackout.
Xx
 
A

Anna156

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#16
Hi FailingSanity04,

Your initial post starting this thread was a while ago. How are you feeling now?

I'm new to this forum and must start by saying that I do not have a Schizofrenic disorder. My current therapist, who I've been with for around a year, is kind enough not to rush to any kind of diagnoses but just help with what I'm experiencing. To that end I do recognize part of what you're saying.. For me an experience like that always signifies a switch between different sides of myself; sides that I have designed as a coping meganism and that willingly or unwillingly force their way to the surface from time to time. Especially that nod, like you're failing or waking from a dream. When I switch I never blackout so it doesn't seem strange to me that you wouldn't, nor does it concern me that it could lead to blackouts soon. I do think it would be good to review if there are certain aspects in your life or of yourself that you are neglecting, which may be demanding their own time, and causing you to feel less connected.

Of course, your symptoms may look similar to mine but have another cause entirely. I do recommended you to keep on searching for a good doctor / health care provider who does not wave symptoms away with just anxiety. All the best!
 
M

Mix-Tape

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#17
Hi, what you discribe sounds like a Psychogenic blackout.
Xx
Hello Hatter.

Thank you and sorry for the late reply on this.

I have never heard this term "Psychogenic blackout" , I am now seeing a consultant and also having neurology tests at hospital , i think these blackouts / collapse were caused by mental stress but cause is not known yet .