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Fear of vulnerability

ToadFrog15

ToadFrog15

New member
Joined
Dec 25, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Lithuania
Hey everyone, happy new year! I hope you all had amazing holidays.:santa:

Im here to vent my feelings out since I haven't done that in a pretty long time, and im afraid to tell my friends and family about this because im afraid of being judged. So anyway, lets get into this.

I've been struggling with the fear of vulnerabilty for quite a long time now, and as I mentioned before, I haven't told this to anyone. It started back in late 2017, and it was barely noticeable. So it really didn't affect me that much back then. And then late 2019 happened, and oh boy, that time was a wreck. I started to feel really empty sadness and numbness and I lost motivation to do anything. Sometimes getting out of bed was difficult, and I had 0 energy. On top of that, I started to have really heavy panic attacks, especially at school, even if sometimes there was no need to have them. My self esteem got super low and I started to get really bad thoughts about myself. I didn't tell anyone about these kinds of feelings, and that was probably my first mistake. Eventually these feelings escalated into a fear of vulnerability. I started to feel really bad for being an emotional roller-coaster, and I would guilt trip myself for it. I told myself that I should be less emotional, and that showing emotions (especially positive ones) shows how much of a weakling you can be. My ultimate goal was to become an emotionally unavailable and distant person. And thats practically what I did. I always put in my best efforts to not sound soft and emotional, I tried to remain cool and "collected", I only hung out with unemotional people, so that I could learn how to be like them. But deep down inside, I was hurting, I was hurting really bad. This fear took over my mental health and eventually my personality. I would also self-harm myself if I ever over-spiller with emotions and i'd guilt trip myself, I would think how weak I was, how much of a horrible person I was. But I'd also self-harm to vent out my emotions, since back then, that was the only way I could think of venting them out. The empty sadness and numbness and fear of vulnerability really took a toll on me. There were many days where I would feel nothing but hatred on myself. But I didn't dislike people who are emotional though, I didn't mind them, actually. Although sometimes, when someone was being overly soft and emotional, it would trigger my fear of vulnerability, but I never ever lashed out on them, because even if I was becoming this way, I still wanted to try and be a good person. I acctually hated (and still do) who I was turning into, but at the same time, the feeling was so satisfying. Im still struggling with this to this very day. I cant get emotionally attached to characters from TV show's, I rarely am attracted to someone and I rarely fall in love with anyone.
And as I said before, I don't think that people who are filled with emotions are weak, these are just boundaries that I set only on myself, not on others.
So yeah, this was just me expressing all the bad things I've been hiding from everyone all this time. I really want to finally escape from this horrible feeling. I hope I didn't sound mean or rude in this haha, and I hope that everything i said makes sense.

Anyways, thanks for reading my story, I really appreciate it. Have a wonderful day!
 
jajingna

jajingna

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
4,508
Location
Canada
I see it's your first post. Welcome to the forum.
 

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