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Fear of the past repeating itself

LizBo

LizBo

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While watching a movie a sporadic thought out of the blue hit me like a brick.

"I'm really scared; scared of going back into a workplace"

I'm 60 and have intellectualized pseudo courage and conviction. Now, the prospect of going back is as real as it gets; scary f'n shit.

Loved one's who've never had MH problems say; "Hey, you'll be fine! You need money. Bite the bullet and get back to work ok"

When the feeling hit, suicidal thoughts rushed my body and mind. Tears of helplessness poured down my cheeks. I haven't cried like that in a while. Remnants are still there.

I know what the problem is, I just don't know how to fix it. Complex PTSD was the result of my last workplace; 7 yrs in the making. I've done well to block memories out, but the subconscious remembers, so does my poor body. I was a broken woman sitting on the edge of a razor blade.

Feelings like that don't just disappear into oblivion. I need to do this slowly if at all. Desensitization techniques will maybe help, but explaining this to employers is a huge risk.

Feeling trapped between a rock and a hard place.
 
toutatis

toutatis

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@LizBo

I don't have a lot of wisdom to offer LizBo, but if you feel you're not ready yet, then you're not ready. For me, I've learned that it's best I do things when and if I want to - not because society or other people want me to, pfft. If a person struggles with psychological/emotional difficulties then, hey, that person is now in a different category to the every day, slogging it out, nine-to-fiver. But, yes, obviously if heading back to work is something you want to do then I think you'll probably find much of your apprehension will evaporate on day one.

I'm sending you a big hug to help you along the way, LizBo. And perhaps those tears and those fears needed to be expelled at that particular time, too. It's completely natural.
 
toutatis

toutatis

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@LizBo

And also LizBo, I don't know a heck of a lot about PTSD (although a counselor did tell me I most probably have it) so, my previous post is more about how I'd look at it for myself and not so much for someone having particular needs, actually diagnosed with PTSD - yourself.

I suppose I'm saying I'm not sure I should be giving advice if I don't know about PTSD. So, think of it more as support for you, please.
 
LizBo

LizBo

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Awe, thanks to both of you for your concern and encouragement. It's a blessing to be heard and acknowledged.

I took a small dose prn anti anxiety medication and have had a quality sleep. What I felt last night was reasonable under the circumstances. I've been frozen in time for 5 yrs 'tomorrow' from breaking down in my workplace after 7 yrs of bullying, harassment and intimidation by managers, a co-worker and a very flawed grievance system. (Govt job)

It's bad enough trying to find a job at my age, which oddly hasn't been all that difficult. The problem lays with confronting another environment where risk of further occurrences/damage may occur. I swore I'd never put myself through it again.

@Zoe1
I formally retired from work; I had to. But being on govt employment benefits doesn't even cover my essentials, let alone a quality life and, may lose my home. I'm so far in the red it's frightening.

I have to satisfy them by applying for 12 jobs every fortnight which is harrowing and worrisome as they'll cut off my benefits if I don't.

They won't accept my application for disability payments as requirements are really tough to achieve. You basically have to be incapacitated to be approved. There lies the problem; financial ruin - a rock, and facing my desperate fears - the hard place.

@toutatis
You're a very gracious and supportive woman. I'm grateful for this.

PTSD shocks the brain due to a traumatic event; Complex PTSD shocks the brain over and over through long term continuous traumatic experiences, damaging the brain's actual biology. Even into recovery, the result is a deterioration in coping, relating to others, understanding complex concepts and especially decision making, just to name a few.

I cope at home because I know my limits and have safety plans in place. Withdrawing from society for a while was what helped me get better.
 
toutatis

toutatis

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@LizBo

Aww, thanks LizBo. I can tell you're a good hearted person and in the time I've been a member here, I've always appreciated the posts I've read of yours.

Wow, yes, thanks for your description of the effects of PTSD, too. I can certainly understand your concerns. And it just goes to show why bullying, intimidating, unthinking people, really need to change their ways due to the far reaching consequences of their actions. Okay, I'm no saint but I take into consideration peoples feelings. Sorry your journey has been a difficult one as well, LizBo, but you're certainly a brave courageous woman and that's very inspiring.

Btw, I'm male not female, haha. No apology necessary, please. I guess I like to think I'm in touch with my feminine side, so that's okay. And I'm all for equality of the genders or non genders or however one wishes to define themselves and I stand up for the animals too. I'm vegan. Anyway...

As I say, you're a great inspiration LizBo!

Hugs and best wishes!!
 
toutatis

toutatis

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...and in the time I've been a member here, I've always appreciated the posts I've read of yours.
@LizBo

Oh, okay. I see you've only been a member here for a few weeks, heh. Well, even though I've been a member since June 2018, I've only started posting regularly the past few weeks, too. So, that should cover my tracks! Ha
 
LizBo

LizBo

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:oops:
Lol...

Gender ID can be dicey sometimes. And yes, you do seem to be in touch with your feminine side.. thank goodness! :) You're welcome too btw re PTSD. It's in epidemic proportions so the more people know, the better they can understand themselves. Abusers are everywhere, better to change/support ourselves than focus on them I say.

I'm so grateful for your writing style; being able to express yourself with such emotive calm if this makes sense. Another big thankyou for the compliments too. A confidence builder of great proportion.

Just to update my previous posts, I called the MH crisis hotline a few moments ago and was greeted by a lovely woman who brought me back to reality and options for achieving my goal of working again. She said; "Use your PRN med's to get you through those first weeks of work and keep close contact with your psychologist. Everything will work out if you focus on your goal instead of what it's like now. I mean, that's not going to change is it?" Wise words...

Sending you hugs as well 🤗 xo
 
Z

Zoe1

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They won't accept my application for disability payments as requirements are really tough to achieve. You basically have to be incapacitated to be approved
k well I'm glad you feel up to approaching work
but if it doesnt work out
then look at what you mean by incapacitated ?
you mean that the person cant walk at all ?

when filling out these forms,
you can refer to the guildelines on the DWP website and the CAB website
so that you are only mentioning your worst days

its a depressing exercise
but one that I have to do now and then when they call me

I would not be able to cope with a workplace
because of all the people stuff you described earlier on

:hug5:
 
LizBo

LizBo

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Thanks @Zoe1

In Oz our GP or psychiatrist fills out the form, then we personally have to gather evidence to support them before submitting the documents. It's timely, frustrating and costly due to needing up-to-date reports instead of older ones.

When I submitted my app, there was a point system where I fell short by one point. And, it was only due to me appealing their first decision as the assessor hadn't even read the reports. Today there's another system where you're interviewed by their psychiatrist with evidence in hand to plead your case.

I may apply again, but only after I've given work a chance. It all depends on my resilience and ability to cope.

Your system seems less of a hassle especially having guidelines online. I had to search govt legislation to find info relating to their assessment process. The worst of it though was being assessed by non medical personnel. What a sham! Thank baby Jesus it's changed.
 
Z

Zoe1

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k well I hope the work goes well,
here in the UK there are supposed to be initiatives
whereby employers will help staff with MH issues
not always the case in practice though

there are also the MPs in my area
have always been very helpful with such things
someone said to me once
always go higher

meaning always appeal to higher authority
where human rights are concerned

for me its become about the right to not work
rather than the right to work

:hug5:
 
LizBo

LizBo

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I like that @Zoe1 - the right not to work.
Single parents are supposed to look for work when their kids are still little here. The govt see's them as a drain on federal funds. What could be more important than raising children at home until they're ready to be with carers? I stayed home until my son was 8 and he still didn't handle it very well. (Guilt used to haunt me)

If I added up all the tax I've paid over 44 yrs I'm sure it'd cover my disability pension for a few more.

Thanks for your kind thoughts too btw. Going higher is what got me into trouble at my last job. Birds of a feather and all that...

I'm glad you go to your MP; I've done so in the past a couple of times with great results. More people should use their rep's to voice concerns. Being an advocate for MH human rights is admirable too. You go girrrl!!
 
Z

Zoe1

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thanks Liz !

im not an advocate though
I cant actually concentrate in real life
only on the internet

:hug5:
 
LizBo

LizBo

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Different horses for courses!

I didn't 'meet' my MP either, I emailed. :D
 
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