Hi Hot Mulligan. I am writing this as a Daughter myself. While the perspective of Parents will always be "You must obey! You must listen to me!" among other things, I believe that children are to be listened to as well, not only to be told what to do.
A Father is a Daughter's first love. So, when the "Perfect Prince" does not live up to the image we daughters have in mind, we rebel, we project (passive-aggressively in my case) hatred: a way to send the message "Please man up!" In my case, he lived his life scared sh*t of people and responsibilities. Guests coming over? My Mom took care of it, did the talking, did the necessary negotiations. Community Weekend Work? I stepped up when I was only 10 years young. He splurged and my Mom had to work so hard to hold the house together.
Perhaps your Daughter is instead turning to her boyfriend to compensate for the deep disappointment of what she found and/or could not find in you. I turned to boys as a cry for help out of desperation. More than anything I wanted him to step up and be a man. Take time to think about this: As you change, she will change. Instead of wailing why, why, why, why: do the work! When she sees changes, it's an opening for you to talk to her. Apologize. Tell her how you plan to make the house is a safe shelter for her peace of mind, for her to feel safe. Show her that you are in control, that things are not out of control.
While a Father is a Daughter's first love, to a Son: a Father is his Superhero. Though I never support Toxic Masculinity (boys don't cry), from your writing I had the impression that 1) you see yourself as a victim (deflecting from responsibility and all is outside-caused) 2) you complain comfortably. Do you really want things to work out or not?
There's a reason why your Son is so angry. Find it. It was a battle for my Brother to turn teenager without a role model he could be proud of. I watched him breaking down. I watched him running from relationships because his brain tricked him telling him that just as his father: he's a piece of sh*t incapable of being gentle and a gentleman. In a Son's eyes, a Father is the leader of the pack. Act accordingly.
Change yourself, and the change in the household will follow. Your Son sniffs insecurity, fear, a pushover: he is angry that he cannot look up at the one Superhero he used to admire as a little boy. Take the power back (with no violence whatsoever!). There's more than one style of leadership: no, you don't have to inspire fear and act all forcefully tyrannical. Just do your job as a Father: be a guide, a guru, a Best Friend.
Thank your wife that she has always been so supportive. Tell her all the things you love about her. Then, as Husband - Wife is a team after all: tell her about your plan, how you will want to again be in charge, that you are determined to live a family life that you two can be proud of. Discuss: Roles ("Teamwork" remember?) for example can she be the one who talks to your Daughter all the while you work on changing yourself? If your Wife takes the Mission: Daughter, you take the Mission: Son?
Perhaps instead of complaining that your Mother always breathes down your neck day in day out, address this with her, "I need time and space to work on these current challenges: my daughter and my son. What you are doing is not helping. Here's what I need you to do instead: (tell her what will work better). Thank you for caring, Mom, I love you."
Yes, discipline and all those Parental Platitudes are necessary, cool and all, but please also remember this: above all, children deserve to be protected. That, Parents - Children is a form of a relationship too, and it takes two. It's a two-way street: do your part, they do theirs.
Instead of over and over again repeating the scenarios you're so scared to happen, do things that you can control. Start with some of the things above perhaps?
Well wishes for you and your future. You can do this! Hugs.
