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Fear Of Insanity

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HeroToZero

Member
Joined
Jun 27, 2019
Messages
11
Location
Canada
Hey guys. So Ill try and keep this super short-- if you would like a more in-depth look at my situation, go ahead and check out this post:This is all so new to me

So. Since last year, May 24th 2018- I have been dealing with some serious issues. I have pretty much experienced a bit of everything- from panic to depression, hypnagogic hallucinations, Pure OCD, racing thoughts, DP/DR, insomnia, scrambled thinking, weird auditory hallucinations (nothing talking to me or of a complex nature) etc.

I also happen to be dealing with a heavy heart break. Getting sick so suddenly and abruptly caused me to lose the love of my life. She had to try and move on as I became a shadow of who I was during the latter 6 months of our 8 month relationship. Still hurts.

I have been trying to pull myself out of it since then- and have been slowly getting better inch by inch, but I feel I may have plateau'd. My whole problem stems from my primal fear of going insane. The classic rocking back and forth in a padded room seeing demons and hearing horrid voices, while losing all my friends and ambitions. This fear is so intense- it caused nearly everything mentioned above. That day on the 24th I had a very long and upsetting day, filled with tremendous anxiety, at a level I was not used to dealing with. When I got home I tried to have an early sleep, but became suddenly and terrifyingly aware of my own thoughts(?). Like some mega existential crisis. I experienced what seemed like.. the hum of a crowd just bouncing around my mind. I identified the sensation/sound(?) of it to be akin to blabbering incoherent meaningless voices, and my mind in general felt sort of like an over stimulated electronic device or (even more accurately) a weird interference experience much like an out of tune radio. I still to this day find it tremendously difficult to discribe. Anyway as you can guess- this set off the biggest possible panic attack that my body could conceivably have- as I interperated this as confirmation of psychosis/schizoprenia.

Now admittedly, I have had strange little experiences like this before (nothing I noticed nearly as prominantly) and it never bothered me. I just shook it off. But as fate would have it, I had just in the two weeks prior had very in-depth conversations about my uncle Dom. He was shot by police when I was very young. He was schizophrenic. Probably where my fear comes from as my parents used to scare me away from drugs when I was young by telling me the graphic horror of what my uncle experienced (as I now know they GREATLY over exadurated it).

In the few months prior to this (May 24, 2018) I can say definitively I was experiencing a ton of mounting anxiety. Primarily from my lady, who I have, literally for 15 years, been madly in love with. We were finally together after years of romantic tensions. I didnt want anything to ruin it. So ofcourse- I runined it. I began to have these weird little doubts about whether I loved her. I KNEW I did, and I couldnt understand what these thoughts were. This is pretty clearly ROCD in hindsight- but at this time I had never dealt with any mental health issues whatsoever. I've always been known as calm cool, extremely confident, goofy, and if anything, a bit too non-chalant. On top of that, I was having money and career concerns that were mounting daily.

Now without getting into the aftermath of that fateful day (just trust me when I say, everything just kept getting worse and worse), mine (and My doctors) best approximation of what happened/has been happening is an intense anxiety problem. I ofcourse relayed my fears of schizophrenia with all of my 6 different doctors (3 psychiatrists, 2 regular MD's, 1 Neurologist)
and they all told me that I am not psychotic, nor do they see me as a risk for it. In a related note, that Neurologist actually identified a strange Foci in my right pariatal lobe, along with my mentioning of very slight numbness on the entire left side of my body. More to come there, but he has a sneaky suspicion I may have had a form of encephalitis that precipitated the whole ordeal.

Anyway- so much for keeping it short.. Im sorry guys 😔- but if you have made it this far- I thank you for taking the time. I'm just looking to relate to somebody out there. Googling my symptoms ad nauseum has caused me more fright then I care to admit, really only serving to have me constantly asking myself "What if the doctors are wrong?", "What if I failed to give them the most accurate description they needed?. I suppose I just want to know if someone out there, who sees my story- might have it strike a cord for them. If it does, please let me know, I'd love to hear from any and all of you incredible warriors.

Love
HeroToZero
 
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RJB

Active member
Joined
Jun 14, 2019
Messages
29
Location
Caribbean
Sorry to hear about your experience. I don’t know how to help but I’ll listen.
 
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Pink1234

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
154
Location
UK
I can’t help, other than to say that I did read all of your post and that I’m prepared to listen.

It’s a bit of a ‘faith’ thing, however, I would say that the medics are there to help and it may help you to just trust yourself to their care for a while to see if it helps.

I have found that it’s a rare tunnel that doesn’t have light at the end of it.

In relation to your relationship, may I bore you with an Ancient Greek myth? The Greeks believed that early humans had 2 faces, 2 genders, 4 arms and 4 legs but only 1 soul. These beings were powerful and the ancient gods felt threatened so they split them in two, male and female, with the single soul divided between them. The gods felt this was the perfect solution because it made the humans less powerful but doubled the tribute they were offered. However, it left each half of the human soul searching for it’s other half - it’s soulmate. It is said that true Love is a single soul divided between two bodies. Often we think we have found our soul mate but the person doesn’t actually have that other half of our soul so we part and continue the search. Maybe your true soulmate is still out there, waiting for you. I hope so.:)
 
HauntedWitch

HauntedWitch

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jul 9, 2019
Messages
501
Location
somewhere between here and there
and my mind in general felt sort of like an over stimulated electronic device or (even more accurately) a weird interference experience much like an out of tune radio. I still to this day find it tremendously difficult to discribe.
I can relate. It's scary when it happens, and you can think you're going insane from it. In my case, I would say my mind felt like a CB radio, receiving signals and chatter from all over the place -- some of which turned out to be 'for real' information (too long a story and don't want to get off topic). These symptoms would go away on their own in a few hours with no intervention, and I'd be ok again. The main thing I've learned from it is to try to stay calm when it happens and not jump to conclusions about what it all means.
 
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