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Fear of going crazy

R

Retaw

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I’ll try to explain this, but it’s going to be tough to keep it short. I don’t even know where to post this. I will just drop a few tags.

4 years ago I started experiencing panic attacks. These panic attacks combined with bad social anxiety, so I started to avoid more and more things. First I had to quit school and a year later I couldn’t see my friends anymore. I started to be completely isolated apart from my mom. In the mean time I did see a therapist, but it didn’t work out. A year alone without any help was a real struggle. I started to have more and more negative thoughts, depersonalization feelings and the fear of going crazy. I hardly came outside my home. A half year ago I started therapy again. Unfortunately, this didn’t work out either. Currently the fear of going crazy is really affecting everything. I avoid anything that reminds me of evil and wrong. It goes so far that I don’t feel around certain colors, numbers, music and anything new. Basically, I feel constantly not well. But the most bothersome is that it also happens with humans. I can’t be in contact with anyone without feeling very uncomfortable. There started also develop some kind of irritation. This affects everything and any chance to take a hold on the other things as well. I don’t feel ok around my own family and pets. Emotionally I feel hardly anything, which also worries me. Especially with these intrusions. I’m actually kinda convinced I’m crazy person and that I shouldn’t be allowed to be around on this planet. Everyday, every second I worry I’ll hurt someone. I’m not even experiencing clear anxiety anymore it feels, but I just feel in general completely horrible. I started citalopram a few days ago, which was a really big step, because I fear(ed) this would be a possibility I would completely lose it. I worry I’m paranoid, but I worry the most that I’m just a miserable person. Throughout the day I don’t do anything at all besides being on my phone constantly. I think/worry this might be cause it is so bad right now. I worry I belong in a madhouse, because everything is constantly present and I’m so stuck with my emotions. I don’t trust myself anymore. I’ve tried a lot to change things but globally it only went worse with me. I don’t know if these thoughts are even intrusions anymore.

I should write down a few extra notes. My whole life I haven’t actually felt good. I was born with fears for dark stuff, but really not as bad as now, but I think I always been some kind of sensitive to it. Since I was 4 years I had a really tough childhood with domestic violence. Saw some terrible things. This took part till I was 13. I started smoke marijuana and it made me feel a lot worse, but I thought I finally made some friends and I shouldn’t lose them. When I was 17 I took magic mushrooms one time right before it actually went really worse with me. It was a horrible experience. Oh and throughout my life I’ve struggled with social anxiety.

I worry it’s too late for me now. I feel completely hopeless and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do. I haven’t felt okay in years.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

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It really is not too late for you. You have been through so much and it is understandable you have social anxiety as a result. You have not taken citalopram for very long and it can take 6 weeks to work. I can understand you fear you are going crazy. You sound like you may have intrusive thoughts and that can make us think such things. It is a shame therapy did not help. Maybe you did not have the right therapist. A good therapist can make such a difference.
 
R

Retaw

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Messages
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It really is not too late for you. You have been through so much and it is understandable you have social anxiety as a result. You have not taken citalopram for very long and it can take 6 weeks to work. I can understand you fear you are going crazy. You sound like you may have intrusive thoughts and that can make us think such things. It is a shame therapy did not help. Maybe you did not have the right therapist. A good therapist can make such a difference.
I’m not sure and I’m also not sure if me and others should be worried about all the thoughts in my head and feelings. I basically don’t feel human anymore and that probably sounds strange, but it’s the way I feel. I know the meds take some time, but I wonder if this type can really affect the things I deal with.

Honestly, all I want is to just feel some love inside me. I can’t receive/give a hug to anyone (the reason is not corona). But everything what my mind generates goes in doubt. Also what I write right here. I can’t imagine anymore how it is to feel good. It feels like I deal with 1 million problems. I don’t think I’m capable of changing so many things. I honestly don’t even know how it’s possible I’m still alive. I’m 21 and my life has been one piece of drama.

And yes, that could’ve been the case, but right now after 4 years I start to think that it’s all just because of me.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

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You are not to blame for having social anxiety or feeling depressed. You were a child and had experiences that are traumatic. I can understand you wanting to be loved and to love. Maybe finding a good therapist who deals in trauma will be more help. Please do not give up. You are still very young. I know your life up until now has been hard but things can improve.
 
R

Retaw

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You are not to blame for having social anxiety or feeling depressed. You were a child and had experiences that are traumatic. I can understand you wanting to be loved and to love. Maybe finding a good therapist who deals in trauma will be more help. Please do not give up. You are still very young. I know your life up until now has been hard but things can improve.
But how and what? You’re not worried about the things that are going through my mind?

That might be a good idea. I’ve done exposure therapy which wasn’t successful. I felt like I needed someone to really get to the root of the problem and help me with that. But when I spoke too much while I was in therapy, they said I should focus on my tasks, because talking doesn’t fix stuff. I did emdr with my first therapist 3 years ago, but that was unsuccessful. I couldn’t open up emotionally. I feel like my emotions are locked behind a door. I have no clue how I can deal with this. I have had moments where all of a sudden I felt incredibly strong emotions, but that made me actually anxious and my fight response went of. What a drama.. The actual thing I need to achieve is to get in touch with myself. My values etc. Whenever I look up values and see what are mine I’ll doubt it. Doubts.. That’s the main problem.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

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I have heard quite a few people post on here with similar thoughts. It seems some people have thoughts about harming others.

Wow, that therapist does not sound very understanding to me. The whole point of therapy is to talk and talking does help. It sounds like you may not have found the right therapy for you. It is hard to open up when we do not really know how we feel. Hopefully other members will have better suggestions for you.
 
R

Retaw

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I have heard quite a few people post on here with similar thoughts. It seems some people have thoughts about harming others.

Wow, that therapist does not sound very understanding to me. The whole point of therapy is to talk and talking does help. It sounds like you may not have found the right therapy for you. It is hard to open up when we do not really know how we feel. Hopefully other members will have better suggestions for you.
This maybe sound weird, but I wish these thoughts where only based on myself and not on others. I just want to feel normal. Nothing else. I could have anything world, but with the way I feel nothing will change in a good way. I just hope this all isn’t permanent damage for me.

Actually, where I did therapy there where multiple therapists involved. It was in a group. I did see some benefit from it, but I didn’t really feel like everyone else to be honest. They all seemed to function some what normally apart from there problems. I just left with the feeling I’m a extreme case. I don’t really want to act like I’m a victim, but honestly I do feel like I’m victim of myself and I have no clue how to break a pattern like that.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

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I do not think that sounds weird. It can be easier to deal with thoughts about ourselves then about others.

It must have been really hard to feel different to the other people in the group therapy. Maybe one to one therapy will be more helpful for you.
 
R

Retaw

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These thoughts just won’t leave me alone.. Am I having to live with this for the rest of my life? I know it’s wrong, but it’s keeps coming constantly. I am getting really tired.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

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It must be very difficult to have those thoughts constantly. I can understand how tired you must be.
 
R

Retaw

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It must be very difficult to have those thoughts constantly. I can understand how tired you must be.
Yeah.. And I can’t move into any direction. I have no clue what I’m supposed to do.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

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The only thing I can think of is to try a different kind of therapy. Hopefully somebody with more experience will post soon.
 
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