Fear of Faking -- Advice and tips?

[Eliza]

This is my first actual thread on this forum, and I'm in a bit of distress, and almost need reassurance really.

I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD and having a working diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, including dissociation/depersonalization. I'm wondering if it's totally normal to sometimes be terrified that you're actually faking it?

I think for me, because I have disassociation, most of the time, my memories don't feel real at all, whether that be from five years ago or ten minutes ago. So that means that anything I was struggling with five minutes ago suddenly isn't real or never existed, so when I feel 'capable' (i.e. suddenly make plans to go to Tesco or be able to do washing), I suddenly go into the horrible fear that I'm actually faking it and I'm actually perfectly fine. I get a lot of intrusive thoughts telling me that I'm pathetic and attention seeking and worthless, and that doesn't help with suicidal thoughts. Sometimes it even makes me think that I should get into a physical accident so I can have some reassurance that something is wrong-- it sounds totally morbid and ridiculous, but I hope someone understands what I mean.

Does anyone else get this? What techniques do other people have for reassuring yourself that you are genuinely ill? How do you stop the intrusive thoughts?

 

[Mark_01]

Yes, I know exactly what you are saying. And welcome to the forum, Eliza. I have had the same thoughts, even had them while homeless. Wondered if there was anything really wrong with me and thought that maybe I was making the whole thing up. Even when they put me in a group home, and even now. I don't think you can help but get those kind of thoughts. If I step back, and honestly look at my history, I know there is something wrong. My mind use to fly in a hundred different directions, medication has helped. But it is perfectly normal to have doubts.

 

[myownveryone]

yeah, I can relate to that completely. I also often feel like i cant trust my thoughts or feelings because I don't know how real they are... I don't really have a diagnosis apart from depression, but I've been suspected to have other things.

 

[cassandra36]

If you fear or worry about faking chances are you are not. People who play games and fake are not at all concerned about it. Just my 2 cents.

 

[pilesofsavan]

I can relate to this completely. I am constantly questioning my mind and my thoughts, especially after years of poor mental health. But our minds cannot "make up" these types of illnesses. It sounds like you are struggling with a few different things, all of which are legitimate and serious that you cannot simply fake. What it took for me was looking back at my history and realizing that I've had these problems for a while and I continue to struggle with them, therefore there is no way I'm faking anything. Also the thought that if I was faking it, I would be able to end the pain of these problems that no one wants to experience - including myself.

 

[Mark_01]

Welcome to the forum, pilesofsavan.

 

[chazxxx]

Definately. Sometimes the thoughts cycle round so fast. Arguing with myself that it's all lies and I'm only fooling myself and then arguing that there is something wrong.

i don't really have any advice. It still happens. Alot. I just always end up settling on there must be something wrong because it can't be normal to always want to be dead. Sorry to end on a downer but it really is my only way to stop the cycling thoughts.

sorry i cant be of any more help. But your definately not alone.

 

[Sparklypurplepaws]

Welcome!
I have these thoughts too x don't have any words of wisdom for you though sorry, just wanted you to know your not alone x