Fear of being Well!

[starflower]

Has anybody heard about this? apparantley my support worker says its well documented, although I tried google and couldn't find anything about it, maybe i'm looking in the wrong place. I know that I've always tried to do as much as I can to help my mental health problem, she hasn't said that this applies to me directly, but i'm not convinced, she always says how well i've done over the years, then she hits me with a negative, I'm really confused, she kept going on about people doing things, that do not help their illness, thus making it worse, or making it last longer as if it,s their fault. No ones chooses mental illness, no-one wants to feel down, anxious, that they might aswell not be here, does anyone understand what i'm saying, or am have I totally lost the plot, confused, angry, don't know where to turn for help!!

 

[GrizzlyBear]

Hi Gizmondo,

This is a tricky one because in I think in some ways a lot of people DO choose to continue being miserable. Maybe it's self-punishment or whatever. And a fear of the fall back into misery which is so very intense. There is some element of that with me. However.....the need to self-punish...and the fear of becoming unwell again (after recovery) are also valid feelings to have taken seriously. I would like to think that MH professionals would understand this and offer assistance with those type of feelings.

Also....when folks are unwell they are often more likely to feel blamed or criticized where often that was not intended or felt by the other person.

I think it's okay to fear being well. And if they know what they are doing (MH Professionals) they would offer appropriate support. My CPN did ask me if I feared getting well just the other week. I did not take it as blame...rather something I wished to consider for my own benefit. I think in some ways I do. And he was/is very understanding of the fear involved in recovery and the impact of any potential relapse. The disappointment would be over-whelming. Sometimes it seems 'familiar' territory to be miserable. Change terrifies me more than anything else in life.

Sorry for babbling.

 

[starflower]

Thanks for the reply grizzlybear, I just feel so confused I really feel that all I have ever done is work at trying to get myself, free from this "no mans land of mental health. I've come along way, she praises me one minute for doing so well since I first became ill seventeen years ago, and then in a single breath, it seems that she's saying i'm not trying hard enough. I'm tierd of trying, tierd of trying to keep things from those closest to me, so that I don't upset them, because i've told them how really bad I feel, tierd of putting on a brave face, and telling everyone that I doing ok, or I not so bad today! JUST tierd of trying!!!!

 

[Blackrat]

I don't know if this counts or not, but sometimes I worry about what will happen if/when I get back to "normal".
Sometimes I feel like I've been ill for so long that I don't know *how* to lead a normal life or that if I get rid of all my illnesses, there won't be anything left - like there isn't "me" anymore, just the things that are wrong with me.

Those worry me sometimes, but I wouldn't say it's a "fear" of getting well.

 

[Apotheosis]

The pain of the familiar.

 

[Dollit]

There is something called "learned helplessness" which is well documented. It's about over reliance on people etc.

On a very personal level one of my closest friends tells me that I hide behind my bipolar disorder all the time. With his help I've pretty much learned how to stop it. It's not about wanting to be ill but have a deep rooted fear that if you're not ill and things go wrong then you have the responsibility dealing with whatever it is and actually having to take charge and own up to your own life.

I wake up sometime feeling like crap and automatically think "bipolar swing" when 99% of the time I'm just sluggish or need a cup of tea or I've got a lot to do and I'm reluctant to start my day.

So when I wake up I don't make a decision about how I'm feeling I just let how I'm feeling happen.

 

[quality factor]

I've lived with mental illness virtually all my life. I agree with Dollit sometimes you tend to blame the way you are feeling on the illness when
in reality you could just be having a bad day like most people do.
The art is being able to be positive and make the distinction.This can of course be difficult when all the days tend to all roll in to one. I'm still working at it and that's after forty years!!
QF.

 

[grace68]

totally feeling this fear of being well

it's like i got really poorly, have had to accept (again, this has happened several times) that yes, i do REALLY have Bi-polar, and that i must take the lithium, and STAY on it. but now, as the crisis passes and the depression starts to lift, i start to panic. i want to give my job up, but if my depression is better, then i will be expected to work again.

now , i just want to say to everyone, "hey, i've got bi-polar- you can't expect anything much from me. you can't expect long-term commitment, because i can never know whether i might get depressed again, and not be able to function."

thats how i'm feeling now.

when i get to feeling better for a while, then i tend to strongly resent the bi-polar diagnosis, and the lithium, so i come off-meds, deny i have bi-polar, and become totally over-confident. i go on like that for several months, becoming hypo-manic (manic but not psychotic)- until, eventually, i crash down into depression , again.

i just don't want this repetitive cycle ever again. so , i guess it feels safer to hide behind the bi-polar diagnosis, use it as an excuse, and by doing so, lower mine, and everybody else's expectations of me. so , yes- i have a huge fear of getting well.

 

[ramboghettouk]

All i can say is mental health workers claim to be building up their patients but really are putting them down, they can't help it they have very negative views of their patients.

They do blame the victim then go on about people blaming the victim

I'm not impressed by mental health workers, now they can't be bothered with me, whatever they go on about about diagnosis i've got little doubt what some gp will put on a job medical and little doubt that my unemployment/ sickness history will be held against me, that without the meds making me too tired for anything but part time work

 

[honeyquince]

I agree with BlackRat. I live in fear of being well because I fear not coping with it - but this is from a perspective of being unwell! I think I also fear being 'well' again because my last memory of being 'well' was just before I became ill and this was a time whaen I'd pretty much lost control. The good news (for me at least) is that the glimpses of being well that I've had recently feel nothing like how I was just before I became really unwell and there is a sense of being beyond all the things that I previously feared giving me a sense that feeling well can be liberating.

 

[intelgal]

The thing I ve come to notice about being well is that it is different from when I thought I was well before I was ill. Thats not saying I am a different person just one who interperates life differently now. My treatment has opened myt thought processess up and therefore although I may be ill in the futre I think the way I am ill may be different due to my experiences. Not sure if this mkes sense but here goes! LOL

 

[ramboghettouk]

Seems to me well, ill recovery and all these words mean different things to different people depending on their experieneces, my big concern that the benefit office and civil service have their own meanings to those words which some theoretical employer wouldn't share.

I went through a no of years after my breakdown when i considered myself well but on attempting to work i found that view wasn't shared by those i worked with, i've heard a lot about what's called the social construction of reality in my time

 

[Dollit]

I think you're right there Rambo - words mean different things. I feel quite well but as soon as I'm under pressure I just cave right in. But how do other people see that. I can sit on the computer all morning in my pyjamas but it doesn't make me fit to sit in an office all day.

 

[intelgal]

Yes I know what you both mean... I have been pretty fortnate and have been able to return to work although this is pretty hard and looks like I am going to have to change my particular area of work sooner rather than later to sustain this. I have also had to change my hours and working patterns due also to sustain being at work much to the annoyance of ,y employer. Fortunalty I ve had an occupational health department who have been fantastic but I have been lucky with this that they have been prepared to work with my capabilities.