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Fear of anxiety-induced depression

C

Charlie Patterson

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
63
Location
Bournemouth, Dorset
Hello everyone, I hope you are all well. I'll start off by saying that last December I fell into a deep depression, one I had experienced almost exactly a year prior. The depression was caused by persisitant, intrusive thoughts of my early high school years where I had a horrible time socially and I hung around a few bad apples that constantly criticised virtually everything about me. When these aforementioned thoughts persist I feel every bit of myself is compromised and I can't seem to find enjoyment or escape in anything. I don't understand why it all bothers me so much as it was all six years ago.
At the moment, Im having these thoughts though I haven't fallen into that depression, however I fear that I'm on the verge of it. And the worst part is, a game I've waited years for is coming out in June 19th, I've pre-ordered it and I'm so excited for it and I'm so scared my mental health won't allow me to enjoy it :(
When I'm in this state, I can't barely move and I'm just so heartbroken all the time... I just want to be permanently free of this pain, I want my memory of those times to be erased...
 
E

Eirlys

Member
Joined
May 21, 2020
Messages
23
Location
England
Hi, sorry to hear you're struggling. You being aware that you might be on the path towards falling into depression is good as it means that you can try and avoid or at least reduce how bad it is. Maybe look online for guidance on techniques or use any you might have in the past. Have you gotten professional help for your mental health problems at any point?
 
C

Charlie Patterson

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
63
Location
Bournemouth, Dorset
You've got a point there! And I have though it was years ago and it was for an entirely different problem. So it would certainly help to search for a therapist.
 
E

Eirlys

Member
Joined
May 21, 2020
Messages
23
Location
England
You've got a point there! And I have though it was years ago and it was for an entirely different problem. So it would certainly help to search for a therapist.
Yeah, sounds like it would be worth trying to get some help again. Until then, I hope you're able to be kind to yourself and stay on top of things ok :)
 
J

Jazzmine84

Well-known member
Joined
May 5, 2020
Messages
148
Location
Montreal, Canada
Wow, after this beautiful and inspiring text by La Eiffel Damsel, all I can say is : As the wise lady said...
 
C

Charlie Patterson

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
63
Location
Bournemouth, Dorset
Dear Charlie,

You are so brave. You did the right thing by talking openly what you have been going through.

No one deserves to be bullied—the thing is when people feel bad about themselves, when they are at their lowest, they want to bring down people to their level. They strive to make someone else pays for their pain—and/or they are a privileged prick. In my case, my cousin was both. I lived my life as a teenager being constantly criticized for what I wore, my hair, the size of my feet, and how I smiled in every holiday snapshot. She was an overachiever whose abusive dad and beautiful mom championed. She was so scared to come home on certain days to face her dad. After every abuse, her dad would change car so she could show off at school and to me. She strived to look as perfect as her mom and in the process made every moment we spent together as to tell me what’s wrong with me.

The only time you are allowed to look backward to your past is when you want to connect the dots—to understand life as a full circle, to understand that pain goes away, to understand that your life will get better only if you allow it. I dug my way out of being buried alive (I witnessed the most abusive thing my dad did to my mom and I went mute from the trauma for two weeks). I moved city. I interned in a Fashion House. During the Internship in the Fashion House, the shy Fashion Designer asked me to model. I thought I didn’t deserve to receive any attention to do with physical beauty and acknowledgment. I took the offer and only then I understood that I was and have always been fashionable. There’s nothing wrong with what I wore when I was a teenager—in fact some were pretty ahead of time just like what Marc Jacobs’ visionary work has always been to Fashion (to be clear: he’s not the Fashion Designer I interned for but this Designer taught me about the most inspiring people who conquer the world despite dark days of their lives). There’s nothing wrong with my hair. Granted my feet is well, Western-size, but I walk everywhere with strength to take more of the city I love. There’s nothing wrong with my smile. The truth will set you free. Find it. Believe in it. Believe in yourself, Charlie.

What you can do for yourself at the moment—to start with: be kind to yourself. Understand that it is painful. Understand that it is not your fault. Understand that what they tried to put in your head—all the criticisms is not about you—it’s about them.

What you can do for yourself at the moment: do not give them too much power to run and ruin your life. Take the power back by first of all resting. Rest is power. Sleep enough and eat well. What they told you or what they did to you should not be your story for the rest of your life. Stop repeating the past scenes in your head. Instead actively decide how your want the story of your life will unfold. How? You can try to make plans. Make a To Do List. Anything that will help you to feel that you are in control of your life—anything that will help you to live again and not be heartbroken.

Whenever I was paralyzed with fear and deep desperation, I wrote plans on a piece of paper. I made a 7-Day Goal to 1-Month Goal, break it down to day per day so it does not look scary. I wake up on some days fighting fears; trying not to think too much and instead see the To Do List and do. Just do. I missed goals and at times I was slower than what’s on the paper. Small progress is still a progress. Find what works for you—write it on a Post-It, write it on a whiteboard. Write helpful reminders for yourself.

You are no longer the Last of Us. You will be the first of us. The pain that you endured will help many who suffer from bullying/bad-crowd peer persecution because you were there. Put in kind words whenever you can for someone.

Don’t let your thoughts lead you down the rabbit hole. Each time it starts tell it to “STFU I’m busy!” So get busy letting go of the past and going for the future that you want. Dream again. Your whole life should not be defined by one terrible trauma we all had.

I’m here as your friend if you need to rant, vent or discuss dreams. I wish you happiness, hope and limitless love.

x
This is the veryb thing I've ever read... You've made my day and it's only 8:28 am, thank you so much 🙏🏻 that was amazing!
 
M

matt42069

Active member
Joined
Aug 18, 2020
Messages
34
Location
Lithuania
Hello everyone, I hope you are all well. I'll start off by saying that last December I fell into a deep depression, one I had experienced almost exactly a year prior. The depression was caused by persisitant, intrusive thoughts of my early high school years where I had a horrible time socially and I hung around a few bad apples that constantly criticised virtually everything about me. When these aforementioned thoughts persist I feel every bit of myself is compromised and I can't seem to find enjoyment or escape in anything. I don't understand why it all bothers me so much as it was all six years ago.
At the moment, Im having these thoughts though I haven't fallen into that depression, however I fear that I'm on the verge of it. And the worst part is, a game I've waited years for is coming out in June 19th, I've pre-ordered it and I'm so excited for it and I'm so scared my mental health won't allow me to enjoy it :(
When I'm in this state, I can't barely move and I'm just so heartbroken all the time... I just want to be permanently free of this pain, I want my memory of those times to be erased...
I can relate to , that depression can ruin yr joy in things u love . I used to love video games and i used to love to watch storytelling of every game , but since ive became socialy isolated i fall in depression and i lost this joy that used to bring me happiness , unless its like online comp games then i atleast get the joy from interracting with nice people if im lucky to encounter any . So idk which game u are waiting for . If its single player i would recommend to wait maybe to get better in order to get fully joy experience from that game , but if its online multiplayer game i think u should go for it , cause u'll get joy just from interracting with people . Hope this will help mke yr mind ! Good luck .
 
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