Dear Charlie,
You are so brave. You did the right thing by talking openly what you have been going through.
No one deserves to be bullied—the thing is when people feel bad about themselves, when they are at their lowest, they want to bring down people to their level. They strive to make someone else pays for their pain—and/or they are a privileged prick. In my case, my cousin was both. I lived my life as a teenager being constantly criticized for what I wore, my hair, the size of my feet, and how I smiled in every holiday snapshot. She was an overachiever whose abusive dad and beautiful mom championed. She was so scared to come home on certain days to face her dad. After every abuse, her dad would change car so she could show off at school and to me. She strived to look as perfect as her mom and in the process made every moment we spent together as to tell me what’s wrong with me.
The only time you are allowed to look backward to your past is when you want to connect the dots—to understand life as a full circle, to understand that pain goes away, to understand that your life will get better only if you allow it. I dug my way out of being buried alive (I witnessed the most abusive thing my dad did to my mom and I went mute from the trauma for two weeks). I moved city. I interned in a Fashion House. During the Internship in the Fashion House, the shy Fashion Designer asked me to model. I thought I didn’t deserve to receive any attention to do with physical beauty and acknowledgment. I took the offer and only then I understood that I was and have always been fashionable. There’s nothing wrong with what I wore when I was a teenager—in fact some were pretty ahead of time just like what Marc Jacobs’ visionary work has always been to Fashion (to be clear: he’s not the Fashion Designer I interned for but this Designer taught me about the most inspiring people who conquer the world despite dark days of their lives). There’s nothing wrong with my hair. Granted my feet is well, Western-size, but I walk everywhere with strength to take more of the city I love. There’s nothing wrong with my smile. The truth will set you free. Find it. Believe in it. Believe in yourself, Charlie.
What you can do for yourself at the moment—to start with: be kind to yourself. Understand that it is painful. Understand that it is not your fault. Understand that what they tried to put in your head—all the criticisms is not about you—it’s about them.
What you can do for yourself at the moment: do not give them too much power to run and ruin your life. Take the power back by first of all resting. Rest is power. Sleep enough and eat well. What they told you or what they did to you should not be your story for the rest of your life. Stop repeating the past scenes in your head. Instead actively decide how your want the story of your life will unfold. How? You can try to make plans. Make a To Do List. Anything that will help you to feel that you are in control of your life—anything that will help you to live again and not be heartbroken.
Whenever I was paralyzed with fear and deep desperation, I wrote plans on a piece of paper. I made a 7-Day Goal to 1-Month Goal, break it down to day per day so it does not look scary. I wake up on some days fighting fears; trying not to think too much and instead see the To Do List and do. Just do. I missed goals and at times I was slower than what’s on the paper. Small progress is still a progress. Find what works for you—write it on a Post-It, write it on a whiteboard. Write helpful reminders for yourself.
You are no longer the Last of Us. You will be the first of us. The pain that you endured will help many who suffer from bullying/bad-crowd peer persecution because you were there. Put in kind words whenever you can for someone.
Don’t let your thoughts lead you down the rabbit hole. Each time it starts tell it to “STFU I’m busy!” So get busy letting go of the past and going for the future that you want. Dream again. Your whole life should not be defined by one terrible trauma we all had.
I’m here as your friend if you need to rant, vent or discuss dreams. I wish you happiness, hope and limitless love.
x
that was amazing!
