Fear my boyfriend and friend are up to something, am I just paranoid?

[Book addict]

If they were cheating behind your back then I'm sure they'd be so much more sneaky about it than logging online at the same time, knowing that it's something that can be looked at and found out. Surely they'd be calling each other instead....?
Don't take this the wrong way, but are you sure you don't want to catch them out and have them admit they are cheating purely to prove to yourself you were right all along and it wasn't just your paranoia and overthinking? I say that because I get the feeling no matter what they say to deny it, you'll never believe them.
I think you either need to accept their answers that nothing is going on and try and get help to move on from this or end the relationship. You can't continue on like this, it's not good for you. You deserve to be happy and healthy, not in a state of constant distress over this situation.

 

[Sapphirepenguin9900]

If they were cheating behind your back then I'm sure they'd be so much more sneaky about it than logging online at the same time, knowing that it's something that can be looked at and found out. Surely they'd be calling each other instead....?
Don't take this the wrong way, but are you sure you don't want to catch them out and have them admit they are cheating purely to prove to yourself you were right all along and it wasn't just your paranoia and overthinking? I say that because I get the feeling no matter what they say to deny it, you'll never believe them.
I think you either need to accept their answers that nothing is going on and try and get help to move on from this or end the relationship. You can't continue on like this, it's not good for you. You deserve to be happy and healthy, not in a state of constant distress over this situation.

well I even said to them “I see you come online at the same time”and it did not stop so I mean surely if they were talking at that point they would move apps?

 

[Book addict]

But if it's all innocent then they have no need to move apps or try and communicate elsewhere. Which is probably why nothing has changed. The fact that they haven't switched, even though they know you can see when they are online, doesn't it make you think, even for a second, that it may all be you overthinking and looking for evidence where there is none...?

 

[Sapphirepenguin9900]

It isnt that I want to catch them out, I really really dont want to know that is true but when I keep seeing this happen it is hard to put it out my head. I have OCD so checking things and obsessing is part of that. This happened with another friend last year, I ended up just blocking that friend so I couldn't see when she was online (wasn't an issue as she clearly didn't want to be friends anymore anyway) It took me about 2 months to calm down about it. I even had to delete a guy I went to college with off Facebook because he also came online similar times to my boyfriend and I knew he sometimes spoke to the friend I blocked and I thought he was talking to her at the same time. it is the same thing all over again.

 

[Book addict]

Ah, sorry to hear that. I didn't realise you suffered with OCD.
How did you calm down and get over that last situation? Are you seeing a therapist or doctor at all?

 

[Sapphirepenguin9900]

But if it's all innocent then they have no need to move apps or try and communicate elsewhere. Which is probably why nothing has changed. The fact that they haven't switched, even though they know you can see when they are online, doesn't it make you think, even for a second, that it may all be you overthinking and looking for evidence where there is none...?

yeah it does but then my head keeps saying there is too much evidence, this doesn't happen with other friends on facebook so it must be true. It doesn't help either there are people online with similar stories and they were right. Also my boyfriend stopped talking to me on facebook, he only talks to me on snapchat now so I feel like that is trying to cover it up some how or he is using another account. There is one thing though as I said facebook is broken if you get a message and own an iPhone it shows you online briefly, my friend who I suspect (apart from a handful of times) never comes online exactly when he does and has an iphone but then again maybe they did change apps. this is why I worry about the other friend tho as her phone had the same problem and as I said they exactly match up several times a day.

 

[Sapphirepenguin9900]

Ah, sorry to hear that. I didn't realise you suffered with OCD.
How did you calm down and get over that last situation? Are you seeing a therapist or doctor at all?

After a while it just sort of faded and I stopped thinking about it. It took a while because I knew she went to bed at 11:30 and my boyfriend would always come online around that time so I was still thinking it but after a while he stopped coming online in that pattern or I stopped caring I don't know. I started to think of it as just a coincidence now that my head was clear of anxiety from seeing it. Now I'm thinking he was in fact talking to her again now it is happening with other friends again.

 

[Dagoon]

I spoke to my friend about it yes. Twice I asked her if she is talking to him she said no. Said a load of stuff about she wouldn’t do that, if he messaged her she would tell me, he isn’t her type etc and got upset I even asked. I asked the other friend (best friend of said friend) she said that friend would never do that and she promised me nothing is happening because she just knows that friend wouldn’t do that this is the friend I now keep seeing active the same time as my boyfriend. I briefly mentioned it to my boyfriend by saying “I see so and so added you on Facebook” and he said “yeah that was odd” I didn’t really want to press further with him because I felt no matter what he said I’d probably find a way to overthink it in my head and make it seem like he was definitely talking to her. Covid test was negative.

You need to find a way to be at peace with yourself. And talking therapy would help alot! You are working yourself up into a frenzy. Clearly you don't trust your boyfriend or your friend. So maybe you need to step back from the situation. Im assuming your not living together. Hence the need to keep checking up on him.
All this paranoia may in fact push them together. They could be talking to each other because they are worried about you.
Hope you are OK now and take a break.

 

[Sapphirepenguin9900]

You need to find a way to be at peace with yourself. And talking therapy would help alot! You are working yourself up into a frenzy. Clearly you don't trust your boyfriend or your friend. So maybe you need to step back from the situation. Im assuming your not living together. Hence the need to keep checking up on him.
All this paranoia may in fact push them together. They could be talking to each other because they are worried about you.
Hope you are OK now and take a break.

that is another thing I worry about. On the day she added him on facebook he was ignoring me (depressive episode) and she was all like "if you dont sort it out ill message him myself" I told her no its fine I can handle it. she also lied and said she added him when we first for together but my boyfriend confirmed that wasn't the case. I mean they literally have nothing in common so I struggle to think what they would talk about but could be anything.

 

[Dagoon]

that is another thing I worry about. On the day she added him on facebook he was ignoring me (depressive episode) and she was all like "if you dont sort it out ill message him myself" I told her no its fine I can handle it. she also lied and said she added him when we first for together but my boyfriend confirmed that wasn't the case. I mean they literally have nothing in common so I struggle to think what they would talk about but could be anything.

You need to sit back write in your journal even and write down everything. Once its down. Go away make a cup of tea. Drink the tea. Then read it back to yourself.
Trust me when I say you will look at things in a different light.
If you keep to your current path you may well loose them both. I have been through this cycle many times and it never ends well for me. They get fed up of hearing the negative all the time and they get tired of constantly validating you (not you personally).
You have to break the cycle or from my experience you will be in this for the rest of your life.
Now, we have given you so much to think about. But if you dont digest the information then im unsure what you are going to do. Because we can assure you until the world ends. But if your not ready to see what is going on for you then you need to sit down and have a think of what you want.
You sound young so try and learn from our input.

 

[Miho]

How are you doing at the moment?

 

[Sapphirepenguin9900]

How are you doing at the moment?

still stressed about the whole thing, meeting my boyfriend tomorrow at the beach tho.

 

[itsmeagain]

still stressed about the whole thing, meeting my boyfriend tomorrow at the beach tho.

I feel deep down you may have sussed them out. Talk to him tomorrow and see if he is convincing or not.
Good luck.