• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Favorite person

Nada Importa

Nada Importa

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 3, 2020
Messages
203
Location
Los Angeles
Do you have one? What is it like for you? I guess I always had one but not sure if they are good for me.
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,767
Location
London, ON
Not currently. My last FP turned out to be even more unstable than me, and it got ugly. Police were involved. I have the feeling I was HER FP, too, and split thinking came into play.

Of course, we live in the same building.

I've since become friends with another woman in the building, who was also friends at one point with my FP. One nice thing is have verification that it really was my FP who went off the rails, and not me.
 
Nada Importa

Nada Importa

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 3, 2020
Messages
203
Location
Los Angeles
I did have one but I don’t think he is my FP anymore so I guess I currently do not have one. I have no way of meeting people so I guess I never will have another one. This person or somebody new 40 years ago and reconnected with six years ago. Relationship started out sexual and then that part ended and we are still friends but no he does not want the kind of responsibility involved with being an FP. I had told them at some point maybe a couple years ago that he was and I don’t think it meant much to him because I don’t know if he even Understood. So now I guess we’re still friends but I would say just did at least it feels that way to me.
 
Ozymandias

Ozymandias

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 12, 2019
Messages
212
Location
West London
I haven't had an FP since the end of January of last year... she was/is another borderline - it was her who introduced me to the concept of an FP in the first place. I ended up ghosting her, which I know is an awful, awful thing to do to someone... certain things got said which set off the worst in me, and while I very rarely have what I could call 'borderline outbursts', when I do I can be extremely cold and cruel. In the heat of the moment though, it always feels like necessary self-defence.

I am a lot more stable when I don't have an FP, but the downside is that life feels very grey and empty without one.

Something I don't get is when people have an FP but don't have any romantic interest in them. My FP's are always female, and even if things started out innocently enough I've always developed stronger feelings when that desire to be close with and to please the other person kicks in. Not that I've ever been in this position, but the idea of having an FP and a girlfriend, rather than both being the same person, isn't something I can reconcile in my head.
 
Ozymandias

Ozymandias

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 12, 2019
Messages
212
Location
West London
Sorry if this is too tangential, but writing my last post caused me to think about the rights and wrongs of two people with BPD becoming close. I mean, the sense of empathy is like nothing else, and can be so damn powerful when most other people - even professionals - seem virtually incapable of even believing the way your head works, let alone grasping it.

When things go wrong though... Christ, it's explosive.

4-5 years ago I got the opportunity to enter into something sexual with another borderline, but I bottled it because I couldn't shake the troubling potential for chaos that quickly came to mind, suppressed, and then superceded my initial interest. I do still think I made the right choice, but at the same time I still feel a need to periodically re-examine that decision.
 
Nada Importa

Nada Importa

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 3, 2020
Messages
203
Location
Los Angeles
Like I said mine started out sexual and I had feelings for him but he had a gf he loved. She broke him when she broke up with him and that was pretty much the end of that part of the relationship. I have a lot of trouble dealing with the changes But we are still friends even if it’s different. I don’t have an FP as far as I’m concerned at this point. He does not want the job. I would think having your FP and your SO the same person would get very complicated
 
Ozymandias

Ozymandias

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 12, 2019
Messages
212
Location
West London
I would think having your FP and your SO the same person would get very complicated
No doubt! Nevertheless, I just can't get my mind around the idea that the person you're *with* wouldn't be the person who's most important to you, and who you most think about and want to please. I can't even begin to comprehend how that could work.
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,767
Location
London, ON
when I do I can be extremely cold and cruel. In the heat of the moment though, it always feels like necessary self-defence.
This is me, too.
Something I don't get is when people have an FP but don't have any romantic interest in them. My FP's are always female, and even if things started out innocently enough I've always developed stronger feelings when that desire to be close with and to please the other person kicks in.
For me, this is like a temporary phase. It's like the "overprotective" aspect kicks in and convinces me the best way to be able to take care of somebody is to be dating them. And, then, after much stress, I realize, for me, "smitten" doesn't equal love or even sexual attraction.

My old room mate/best friend was/is a FP, although it's tapered off over the years. We were/are each others FP's for a long time, for her, I'm still an FP.

Oddly, we didn't much have issues with spit thinking, but sex was an issue. As in, it happened, and stressed us out, and we decided to never to that again.

The biggest issue was being her FP, while she had boyfriends. Not because I got jealous, but because our friendship stressed out her BF's.

Sandra, the FP i mentioned a few posts ago, was very much a sexual tension situation. I knew that it wasn't a good idea, trying to keep things at a distance set off her split thinking.
When things go wrong though... Christ, it's explosive.
Absolutely


Currently, bit stressed by my friend Yenni. Yenni was friends with Sandra, but not with me, and is now friends with me, but not Sandra. Even though she has a boyfriend, she has certain mannerisms that make me go "she's not showing interest, is she?" It's less that I think she's interested, but that I'm worried about falling into a FP situation.

Like, people in the building are beginning to assume we may be a couple.
 
Nada Importa

Nada Importa

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 3, 2020
Messages
203
Location
Los Angeles
No doubt! Nevertheless, I just can't get my mind around the idea that the person you're *with* wouldn't be the person who's most important to you, and who you most think about and want to please. I can't even begin to comprehend how that could work.
I guess in my case I needed an FP so I complain about my spouse! So I guess it would depend on what your needs are.
 
Nada Importa

Nada Importa

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 3, 2020
Messages
203
Location
Los Angeles
So in reading the replies it seems a lot of people have an FP who is the opposite sex. So this in itself presents issues. Some people say that a man and woman cannot be friends that are becoming sexual. Thoughts?
 
Nada Importa

Nada Importa

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 3, 2020
Messages
203
Location
Los Angeles
So it is now over three months since I’ve seen my FP and he is having a wonderful time touring the opposite side of the country while I sit here alone. So by the time I see him I think it will be at least four months. We have never gone this long but I don’t think he really cares I am the only one Who is bothered by it
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,767
Location
London, ON
Some people say that a man and woman cannot be friends that are becoming sexual.
I have plenty of female friends where sex has never been a factor.
We have never gone this long but I don’t think he really cares I am the only one Who is bothered by it
One issue with having FPs is that, well, there is no promise they feel exactly teh same way for us we feel for them.

I mean, yes, they can see us as great or close friends, but that "extra" feeling we have for them, they may not share. They may not realize just how important they are to us.
 
Nada Importa

Nada Importa

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 3, 2020
Messages
203
Location
Los Angeles
Good for you I think that’s great. I think the only ones from Me that did not have any sexual component Were gay men! And they make wonderful friends. Actually there was one man who is also someone from high school because those are the only men I know. We reconnected briefly and unfortunately he died soon after.
 
AnxiousE

AnxiousE

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 8, 2020
Messages
3,447
Location
USA
Thanks for this thread. As I said on several occasions now, I do not have the bpd dx, but I can strongly relate to this FP thing. And yes, I can see where it might become problematic if you are currently in a relationship. I use extra precaution if I feel like I might possibly be developing an FP with the opposite sex (in my case being as I'm straight), but lately I wonder if I've had or have FPs of the same sex. I definitely develop deep and meaningful relationships and feel the loss when I don't hear from a person in a long time...i don't know if these same sex friendships are struggles for me because of this FP (or, and now I forget the term, the type of dpd relationship one can get) or just my anxieties??? I have lost a few close friends without any warning or explanation so I'm not sure I'll ever fully understand it. Ya know?? Sigh!
 
I

indigo6

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 30, 2019
Messages
2,456
Location
UK
My favourite person is no longer here on earth.
I have people I like alot. I may have a lot in common with them, or find them really kind nice people. I count my blessings for them but Im not good with attaching myself to people.
Ive been out there alone for so long that it no longer matters to me.
 
Top