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'fat & slutty'

O

Overthinker420

Member
Joined
Dec 27, 2018
Messages
23
Location
United Kingdom
I have always felt different and socially awkward. I often say the wrong thing and seem to rub people up the wrong way in my social life. My work with the Homeless is something that I excel in. Helping someone else helps me forget my own problems, even if it is only for a short while.
Right now, I seem to be juggling two separate lives quite well but, how long until those juggling plates come smashing on the floor around me. In work I am the confident girl who puts 100% into trying to make someone else’s life better. I leave work, get home shut the door behind me and become the psychoanalysing anxiety ridden person that I have learnt to hate. The medication I am currently taken has enabled me to carry on with the work I love so much, for such a long time this was not the case.
So, were did it all start? Well after years of counselling and trying to learn about myself and the way my brain works, I have been able to identify different aspects of my past that have contributed to my anxiety and depression.
Well how do I say without feeling over dramatic that school really messed me up. It still baffles me how people can feel good about making someone else feel shit. I often write poetry in order to try and deal with certain things that happened to me in school but how do I do this when I’m embarrassed and still so messed up by the process, putting pen to paper just makes it so real.
So lets start with something simple, so I have always struggled to fit in in social situations and although primary school wasn’t any picnic.. I don’t believe that this has had much relevance on the issues I have face today. As I wasn’t fitting in in school and was getting called names on my way home and being threatened with violence, I got sent to a private school, some people would say that I am ungrateful for not appreciating the money that my parents worked for and put into my education and I am grateful they did what they thought was best for me at the time, this is why it was so hard because how could I tell them what was happening without sounding ungrateful.
The problem with coming from a working-class family and going to a private school is that you may be able to afford the education, but you cannot afford to keep up with latest technology, clothes and cars which to a lot of people in that situation think gave you status. It was exactly the way you imagine it, the richest at the top and the poorest at the bottom. The problem was there was many people at all like me, someone who wasn’t wiling to brown nose in order to get to the top and didn’t have the money to just coast along. Coming from a state school I was given many labels that did not describe the way in which I conducted myself. I was described as sexually promiscuous even though this was far from the truth. It also didn’t help that I went through puberty at nine and did have large breast (Sorry). The shirts were too tight for me and the skirts were too short as I was forever called fat and slutty in fact, now I’m typing this in black and white I would say ‘Fat and Slutty’ would be a perfect way to describe the way in which I was perceived. So, okay I was not this perfect little barbie doll, I’ve always had curves and big thighs, but this was the way I was made and there was nothing I could do about it so this lead to ridicule that came in many different forms.
‘FAT’ and ‘SLUTTY’
So, I wasn’t attractive enough to be friends with the popular kids and I wasn’t cool enough to hang out with the ‘misfits’ (Yes! I couldn’t even get into the misfits) and I wasn’t smart enough to hang out with the ‘geeks’ So, I used to find myself alone, a lot. You know that awkward scene in mean girls where she eats her lunch sat on the toilet. Yep that was me! The boys in the year above made no secret about the fact that they thought my appearance was disgusting and used to laugh and ridicule me while I walked around the school to my lessons. (I don’t think I will ever understand how they thought this was okay). My clothes didn’t fit properly due to not being able to have any variation of the school uniform and the clothes being made for children. Due to my early development I had the body of a women not a child. I remember my parents getting called into the office and being told that I was promiscuous even though I had never even kissed a boy properly. When the school were asked why they felt this, my parents were told that it was due to my shirt showing too much of my cleavage. Although the school still would not allow me to change my shirt or wear a thin vest underneath. While in a lesson one day I could hear a group of my peers calling me fat and I left the room crying. I went to see my head of year who dealt with the situation by walking into the classroom and putting me next to one of the smallest girls in the class and describing the differences between our bodies. I have never been so embarrassed in my whole life; this excellent demonstration soon made its way around the school and just made the situation worse. I then started comfort eating as I thought “well if I’m fat anyway, it doesn’t matter”. While this was going on there were certain boys who took an interest in me due to the rumours of me being promiscuous but would not be seen in public with me due to being so ‘disgusting’. Without going into detail on two different occasions I was put in a situation where I was forced into things that made me uncomfortable and have affected me throughout my life so far. I trusted people to easy and confided in someone I thought was my friend, it was then passed around the school that I was crazy and an attention seeker and obviously I was not believed when I get called into the principle’s office asking me why I am spreading such vicious lies about upstanding members on the school. Now, When the school says upstanding members of the school, they mean rich members, who have multiple family members in the school generating a lot of money. Apposed to me an only child with a working-class family who were just about covering the fees.
Many times, I tried to fit in and change myself but I was always stabbed in the back and the topic of the next joke. This created tensions with me and family who could not understand what was going on. This I understand now, I never did but now I do. I was always the person mixed up in the drama, looking from the outside I would see myself as the problem too. This is when my anxiety started, which made me more socially awkward and paranoid and not trusting anyone. After this I pushed everyone away and spent the next few years doing my own thing.
So, my family were annoyed at me for not making my school life work and the pupils and teachers didn’t like me either. So, I turned to the internet, not many adults knew about the dangers of being online at this time and children could get away with more as new technologies were being invented. I started entering chat rooms where I would talk to older men and send them photos of myself. They would tell me they loved me and give me the sense of being loved and appreciated, this is something that recently I have come to realise was wrong and in fact I was being groomed. I had an 18-month online relationship with a man in his 40s when I was only 13, I was just lucky that he lived far away, and I never met him. So here I am living up to the expectations everyone has on me “FAT & SLUTTY”. After events that had happened and no one believing me I didn’t respect my body and just wanted to feel in control. I even got intimate with a family friend in his 30s during this time. I have never told anyone this as I feel like my parents would feel responsible for what I went through, but I truly believe they were doing what they thought was the best. I find myself looking back on these people with fond memories which I know is messed up but if it wasn’t for these people showing me love and attention, I’m not sure I would be here today. So, yeah now I’m a messed up 24-year-old who is just trying to get through life… have a normal relationship without having flashbacks and leave the past behind.
 
somedaymaybe

somedaymaybe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 28, 2018
Messages
227
Location
Australia
I'm sorry you were given this "title", but it does not define who you are. Other people's thoughts and words do not define who we are.

It's commendable how much you give your life to helping others, and I definitely think it's something everyone should do at least now and then. However, we also do need to take care of ourselves as well. You say you live two separate lives, well I think you need to find a way to blend it into one. The best way to do this is to spend more time putting yourself first. I know for someone who always helps others this can be a hard thing to do, but in the long run it will improve your mental health and the way you see yourself and ultimately positively effect your life helping others even more so.

I'm sorry about everything you have experienced. It's hard to put the past behind us. I'm an over-analyser as well, and there's times where I feel like my thoughts are in the past more than they are in the present. And it's definitely not easy to switch those thoughts around, but there are ways and steps to take to make it happen. Do you still go to councelling? I think this will help you dramatically. You have to find a way to make peace with the past, and know that thoughts aren't facts, and things before have said about you and to you in the past no longer matter, you need to move forward and take care of yourself.

I wish you luck!
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
430
Location
California, US
Hello and sorry to hear about those awful experiences at school. School is a lottery of acceptance for most of us, when we learn that our peers can be so cruel to anyone who doesn't hold the winning number.

You survived it which is both meaningful and worthy of admiration. Moving on from the trauma is probably going to take some time so I hope you can be patient with yourself and with the process.

If you're having trouble challenging negative thoughts about yourself, try to accept that you are not your thoughts and you never were. Like every human being, you're worthy of love and compassion. At your job, you show compassion each day to vulnerable people in great need of support. If you feel sympathy for them you can feel it for yourself. You deserve respect, love and compassion just as they do.

And when depression's voice grows too loud and abusive and you can't get it to shut up, let our voices help you shout back at it, drown it out. We're never far away.

The adult you've become in spite of your struggles is evidence that your abusers were wrong about you. I can't know what is in your future but I am sure depression doesn't know either, it just talks like it does.

May you have a measure of peace and comfort when you're reminded that you do deserve love, respect and compassion.
 
T

Tabby 88

Guest
Curvy
Too trusting of men

You must love and like yourself and if there are things you don't like, you can work to change them. Nobody is perfect even if they seem to be on the outside.

Who you are is who you are for reasons, from how you were brought up to your life experiences to date and to the way your body and breain have been created. You can work hard to 'perfect' these things to make you the best you can be.
 
O

Overthinker420

Member
Joined
Dec 27, 2018
Messages
23
Location
United Kingdom
Thank you for your responses , this is the first time i put something so personal out there and the replies have been lovely and reminds me there are nice people out there.

I Spent last night laying in bed wondering if i had done the right thing, signing up to this forum and letting my life experiences be out there for someone to read.
I have been asked do i still attend counselling?
No, not at the moment. The university counselling is only for 6 sessions a year and the doctors have prescribed me medication. Unfortunately i am not in the financial position to go private at this time. I find counselling a weird concept because when i'm face to face with these people i am NEVER honest about my past. I have all the best intentions in the world when i go into a session but can never bring myself to tell them about my past.

I don't think it helps that i don't quite feel like anyone i have met truly understands how messed up i feel. I've been with my partner for a very long time and he has pulled me out of several bad places in my life. But i feel that maybe he is getting frustrated with lack of intimacy in our relationship because when being intimate i have these flashbacks every time. He is aware of my past but i don't think he truly understands the effect that it has had on me. I think he is starting to feel like i don't want to be with him (which is not the case at all). I just want him to be happy.

I try really hard to manage my life and learn to love myself again. I have these moments were i feel like I've had a breakthrough and then my dreams and thoughts will tell me otherwise. I feel like i'm in a dark place at the moment, i'm getting tired of trying.

Again Thank you all for your replies,
I'm always happy to chat (sitting behind a screen makes it easier haha)
Peaceout!
Overthinker420 :flower2:
 
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