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false memory or real event OCD

J

Jaxiju

New member
Joined
Dec 25, 2020
Messages
1
Location
Germany
Hey guys, I’m Kevin, I’m 23 years old and I’m suffering from OCD. I’ll start therapy next month.
OCD reached a whole new level recently. Whenever I create a scenario in my head, it turns into a “memory” minutes, hours or days later. It’s horrendous! I know it’s OCD, but I’m always ruminating about whether it’s false memory OCD or real event OCD.
I’m suffering from OCD since I was a child. When my parents drove to work in the night, I was always concerned that they could die in a car accident. I evolved an obsessive orderliness to regulate my anxiety. After years of compulsions, I realized, that it’s utterly irrational, so I overcame it somehow. I knew that it’s not in my hands what’s going to happen.
But now, with false memory OCD, it seems different, more real, more dangerous! I have responsibility now and it’s in my hands this time due to the fact that I’m in a relationship now.
I know OCD latches on things or people we love the most and is against our morals. I love my boyfriend more than anything else in my life, so it’s not astonishing, that OCD latches on him this time. In the last couple months there have been dozens of scenarios where I imagined cheating on my boyfriend (unintended). There are always fuzzy images in my head more or less. It was a dream twice, but sometimes it’s like an intrusive thought who becomes a “memory”. But I can’t tell whether those images/memories are real or not. I don’t even have a gut feeling anymore. So I feel lost and I can’t trust myself anymore. I’d never really trusted myself, due to a lack of self-confidence. The only thing I know is what I think I am and how others describe me. I think I’m good-hearted, caring and lovely. A good friend of mine told me yesterday, that I’m the most selfless person she knows. She told me “Don’t you realize that you ALWAYS JUST think about your boyfriend? You never thought about yourself the whole time.” She was right, so at the moment, I can only trust the feeling of what I think I am.
Some weeks ago, I had an intrusive thought about a guy, who I dated back in summer. Days of ruminating “do I still love him? Why do I still have to think about him? Do I love my boyfriend anymore?” I was in a spiral for days and fortunately got rid off of those thoughts. Afterwards, I realized how much I love my partner, like I never realized before! And I noticed something- in this period, my false memory OCD disappeared completely! But when I started to realize how much I love my partner again, the false memories returned as well and it came back stronger than ever. I start therapy in January and I can’t wait.
 
OmniscientNihilist

OmniscientNihilist

Taking a break
Joined
Dec 9, 2020
Messages
1,783
Location
Canada
the human mind needs a constant reality check. human intelligence and mind is very big which can create very large fantasies and falsity and imagination and emotional bias etc...

this is why scientific method was developed in the first place. and also why the innocent until proven guilty court system was developed. to help rule all that fantasy and bias out. the mind needs to be a slave to the evidence. or it gets lost in fantasies forever.
 
M

Mulligan

Active member
Joined
Nov 28, 2020
Messages
26
Location
USA
I totally get it. I have memories of stuff that in my mind I have made out to be far worse than than they were but all I can focus on is the what if’s of my fears or uncertainties that I did terrible things that are far outside what I normally do and yet all I do is ruminate about these fears and wonder what if. I don’t really have any suggestions as I am going on 2 years of these fears and I don’t think they will get better. I am aware of erp and have some thoughts that I make have hearted attempts at using as erp scripts but I don’t do too well in reenforcing these and instead shrink from them which is the worst thing I can do. I just can’t get myself to really force the issue even though I feel it’s negative affects on my life. Sheesh, here I am posting on this forum now instead of spending time with my family.
 
W

worrywart_

Member
Joined
Jan 18, 2021
Messages
9
Location
United States
Hello! I’m a bit late to this post, but I hope it’s alright if I respond. I would just like to say, I heavily relate to a lot of what you said. And again, if it’s alright by you, I’d like to see if any of what I’ve experienced rings a bell for you.

My false memory originally started as an image of sorts/paranoia, but it quickly shifted into me feeling like I was experiencing real recollection of moments in time- in relation to the memory I thought I was experiencing. One thing that frustrates me a bit (but isn’t anybody’s fault) is that I can’t seem to really find anyone who has false memories that aren’t just images + feelings. Two years ago, at the worst of my struggle with it, I felt like I had an intense moment of “realization” of the memory actually occurring/being real/etc, but with absolutely no time, place, or story behind it — is this just me? And then cue me compulsively researching dissociate amnesia which just fuels everything else 🤦🏻‍♀️ I hope this made sense & apologies for the long reply.

P.S. I hope therapy is going well for you and that it helps you turn over a new leaf in life 💜 Wishing you the best!!
 
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