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False Memory OCD?

L

lostsoul123

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Aug 24, 2021
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This is my story, it's a bit long. I haven't got the courage to ask for help yet. Could this be False Memory OCD or am I in denial? Am I becoming delusional? I've lost several years of my life struggling with it.

One night, I went out with my friends. There was a gig in my town and we all had lots of fun and many beers. The night ended and we all went back home.

Next morning, I felt pretty normal. However, around a week after this night, I started getting some really weird thoughts. I felt like something bad happened that night but I couldn’t figure out what. My anxiety was starting to increase every single day to the point I felt like I was going crazy. I just had this feeling like something bad happened but I couldn’t remember what. That’s when I started replaying this evening in my head hoping I would remember some details that will help me see the whole picture. At first, I couldn’t remember anything, but at one point I got a certain “flashback”. As soon as I got it, I started panicking because I believed it must be true. This is basically where everything went downhill. Suddenly, I started “remembering” everything. Everytime I would replay the night in my head, a new “memory” would be added that would help me construct the evening.

So, my first scary thought was “What if I kissed someone? My boyfriend will leave me."

I had to go back and try to analyze this memory in order to make sure I didn’t do this. All of the thoughts after this one have become much, much worse. I felt the need to confess this, even though I wasn’t really sure that what really happened.

Then, I felt the need to check with the people that were present that night. I started messaging everyone frantically and trying to figure out if they knew something.

I replayed the whole night so many times in my head that I didn’t even know what was true and what was false. At this point I thought I was going to lose it. I lost 10 pounds in basically less than 2 weeks. I couldn’t eat because my anxiety level was so high to the level it was making me psychically sick. My thoughts started getting worse and I shifted from “What if I kissed someone” to “What if I slept with someone and I don’t remember it?” I literally convinced myself I did it. I could even remember the act all of a sudden.

During the next two years, I’ve learned to live with it. I would disregard some of the thoughts occasionally and I would obsess over some thoughts for a period of time.

Then, there was a night when I hit the rock bottom. Same scenario. A concert (small festival), friends, beer, lots of people around. Woke up in the morning – BOOM! Something hit me like a bomb. As soon as I opened my eyes I felt 100x worse than the first time it happened to me.

The first thought I got was identical as the last time – What if I kissed someone?

The last thought I got? – I’ve slept with 3 different men that night, contracted HIV – everybody has evidence on camera.

During my rumination, I got a thought about a certain HIV positive person. I convinced myself I had sex with that person (twice that night) and that I contracted the illness. I started panicking and went to the lab the next day. The test was negative. Was this enough? No. I constantly searched my body for symptoms. Whenever I got a little pimple I thought that was a symptom of the illness.

I analyzed, replayed the night in my head more than 1000 times, searched for photos, confessed to my fiance, etc. Til this very day I couldn't bring myself to go back to the place of the event.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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:welcome:

I'm sorry i don't know very much about false memories, but i think it might be good to get some support if you feel you need it to live your life happier.
 
S

saabdriver333

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Aug 30, 2021
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I have also experiences with false memories related to OCD. Sorry there could be some typing errors because my native language isn't Engish.

First of all I've had severe OCD and anxiety symptoms since I was about ten years old, including repeating phrases for a certain amount of times, doing specific rituals etc. One night about one year ago me and my girlfriend went to a local bar. Everything went pretty well and we were pretty drunk after couple of drinks. Then we met a local random guy who offered us to stay rest of the night at his place. We didn't want to go home because of our parents so we sadly accepted his offer.

After couple of more shots I went to rest on his sofa because I was almost falling asleep. My girlfriend also joined and settled down on top of me. Suddenly the random guy started out of nowhere touching my girlfriend and we were both so drunk and scared that we couldn't do anything about it. The random guy also did something with his finger but I won't go into too much detail. Then he left and came back without his pants. Luckily my girlfriend was able to stand up and we managed to left the house after she asked him to get a rubber. The whole situation was very very scary and traumatic specially for my girlfriend but also for me. That's how we can remember the situation after talking through it for many times. Remember that we were very drunk and cannot properly even remember what the guy looked like.

Couple of months after the incident disturbing images and "scenes" started to pop up on my mind: "What if the random guy violently r-worded my girlfriend?" "Did the guy just use his finger but also his genitals?" I mean it was an assault and it's bad enough and that he used his finger but it's terrifying that he could have used his other part to touch her. Also I get clear flashbacks about these false memories that are sometimes same, sometimes different, sometimes very disturbing ones. Because my girlfriend was on top of me at that moment I couldn't see properly what the guy was doing behind. For couple of months now i've had to do these rituals and repeating phrases in my mind every day for dozens, in worst days even hundreds of times to "confirm" that nothing more terrifying happened that night.

The best advice is to talk about these false memories with everyone who you can with, specially the people who were there at that time. For me the best way to cope is talking about the incident with my girlfriend because she was there at the same time and can remember some of the timeline way better. She can "confirm" the truth that nothing worse happened because she saw and felt it the way it was. The biggest challenge is to get someone to truly "confirm" that none of the false memories are true and accept it in your head. Also we have talked the incident trough many times to confirm why my false memories cannot be true. Also after talking about it with one of my best friends helped a lot even though we didn't talk about my OCD symptoms. Write it down on paper why it could be possible and why it ISN'T possible. It also may be helpful.
 
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