false memory OCD messaging someone

[curtains345]

Hi there, having seen a few stories similar to my own on the forum, i thought i would like to share my story, and i hope there is just one person who sees this, who can relate to, or give advice about it.

For context, in my first ‘official’ relationship at 18, i left for university in it, and soon after that i cheated on this person by drunkenly kissing someone else. The relationship i was in, i wasn’t confident in long term, however it didn’t excuse what i did, and what i did basically defined my first term and took a lot of time to forgive myself for and move on from.

Now, i am in my second official relationship, and things are absolutely amazing and it is a beautiful thing. She knows all about my past, maybe even too much, and i am so lucky to have her. But the other day whilst with her, i felt so happy that i then suddenly didn’t- i suddenly had an overwhelming wave of dread, guilt and self loathing sweep over me that hasn’t left since. I suddenly started imaging/thinking about the tine leading up to when we first became official. We met on Tinder (romantic, i know) and before we made it official , whilst we were dating, i on and off still occasionally used the app, deleting it a couple times but still occasionally checking it, as we are still dating. The false memory i started feeling was that a few short days after we made it official (which just happened to be the day before lockdown), i think that i either just checked the app, or sent a single message to someone on tinder. i can’t recall exactly the details of what i said but i know it was nothing serious. Anyway, this doesn’t add up with the memories i do have. I remember sending this message at a particular location in my home town, very vividly, and i was walking back home. as i’m at uni i was not often at my home home, and the only time i was walking home from town was a date much earlier than this; i forensically analysed this detail by finding train tickets, bus timetables google searches, my credit card history, and i can confirm i was in town at a much earlier date, and the image in my head had lots of people around me (like a normal busy town) and so this must be the date i sent this message. Which would be compelelty fine as i wasn’t with my current partner at that point

But this is where i’m stuck. At some point in lockdown i deleted a lot of old tinder messages, and eventually my account, as it was a part of my life i mostly regret, i.e using the app for hook-ups in the immediate aftermath of my cheating, and i know how much i have changed and improved from it. But because of this i can’t check back. And despite all the rational evidence and the few certainties of memories i have in my head, i cannot shake a feeling of dread and guilt that i sent this message a lot further forward in time than i logically could have. And it is eating me up. I am constantly telling my girlfriend of my torment, telling her every and any new ‘detail’ i remember. She is so so supportive of everything and just wants me to be better, but some of these details don’t align with the little evidence i have and so i believe them to be my mind trying to self sabotage.

But i cannot actially 100% disprove much of it, even when there is overwhelming evidence showing i didn’t do the bad thing that my brain is telling me i have done. I know how i felt about my current partner and having cheated in the past, and grown from it, and having all this evidence against it, i wouldn’t have done it! But i still just cannot shake the guilt and shame as if i have, and it is debilitating and causing a tremendous amount of self hatred and i feel compelelty undeserving of my girlfriend, wonderful family, and all the good things in my life. I feel stuck with no options to get out of how i feel. I am a serial confessor , i don’t really hide things (have confessed nearly everything i have ever done including drugs,watching porn etc), yet to ‘confess’ to this seems ludicrous when i am 99% sure i didn’t and the evidence suggests i didn’t. But that 1% is killing me, eating me up and sapping the joy of my beautiful relationship away from me. I love my girlfriend so very much and just want to enjoy every minute with her, knowing that i have made mistakes in my past but am now with a beautiful person and have shaped myself into a better person because of my mistakes.

But the 1% doubt about this message, and we are talking about a single message, not exactly an affair or emotional cheating, but the 1% doubt of when it occurred is eating me up, and i need help or advice from anyone who can relate, and would love to hear from anyone going through anything similar.

If you have read all of this, thank you so so much u are a beautiful kind hearted person, and if anyone has any advice for me or can relate, please please reply to this and we can connect

thanks for reading x

 

[Tawny]

I don't like apps like that. I don't like facebook or those sorts of things either because we need to be in the real world, meeting people, talking, real tangible meetings, because otherwise i can imagine you might wonder what you did or said last night or last week, have to check.

We need to look people in the eyes and hold hands, walk, talk in person.

 

[emul]

Sounds like you guys have a relationship with great communication. That is so valuable. I also sounds like you really love her and I'm sure, would never purposely hurt her. So remind yourself of that, of what you feel and do now, not in the past. Even if you had done that text, which you probably didn't, it's something you can leave in the past and move on, you wouldn't do it now. I have made many mistakes in my past, hurting others along the way, sometimes not even realizing it until much later. But I have learned to forgive myself, learn, correct, and move on, focusing on doing right in the present, asking for forgiveness where it is due.

That doubtful memory is just noise, don't feed it, feed the present.

You guys have a great thing, enjoy it, it's awesome!

 

[curtains345]

Sounds like you guys have a relationship with great communication. That is so valuable. I also sounds like you really love her and I'm sure, would never purposely hurt her. So remind yourself of that, of what you feel and do now, not in the past. Even if you had done that text, which you probably didn't, it's something you can leave in the past and move on, you wouldn't do it now. I have made many mistakes in my past, hurting others along the way, sometimes not even realizing it until much later. But I have learned to forgive myself, learn, correct, and move on, focusing on doing right in the present, asking for forgiveness where it is due.

That doubtful memory is just noise, don't feed it, feed the present.

You guys have a great thing, enjoy it, it's awesome!

Hi
Thanks so much for your reply , reassuring to know i’m not alone in having regrets, and i’m glad you have learnt to move on from them, it’s soemthing i’d love to learn to do- i rly find it hard to accept i am flawed and not an ‘angel’ or ever will be perfect

Hope you are well

Thanks for taking time to read and reply)

 

[emul]

Hi

perfection is a very steep expectation! I'd venture to say no one in the history of the universe has ever achieved it, lol. Yeah, we're all a bit flawed, but we also have good things. Something that really helped me in my self-esteem and to leave self-loathing is to write down from 3 to 10 things I like about me, and 3 to 10 things that I don't. It gives you a sense of balance of who you are. Some of the bad things will be like that for good perhaps, so we accept and manage them. You'll be surprised just how many good things you got you may not think of everyday.

 

[curtains345]

Hi

perfection is a very steep expectation! I'd venture to say no one in the history of the universe has ever achieved it, lol. Yeah, we're all a bit flawed, but we also have good things. Something that really helped me in my self-esteem and to leave self-loathing is to write down from 3 to 10 things I like about me, and 3 to 10 things that I don't. It gives you a sense of balance of who you are. Some of the bad things will be like that for good perhaps, so we accept and manage them. You'll be surprised just how many good things you got you may not think of everyday.

This is very true! You are right i need to find some way to learn to balance it, realising i am flawed, as is everyone, but i am also good in other aspects. Writing down good and bad things is a good idea i shall try. I have my second phone call tomorrow with the uni therapy team and i’m hoping it helps further. Thanks so much for connecting

 

[Antarctosaurus]

I have false memories too.

As you said yourself, there is ample evidence to show that you did not do what your brain says it did. Besides, you talked to your girlfriend, right? There is no way to be more sincere than that, lean on it. I know that the desire to be 100% sure about something is overwhelming; something that would make you feel lighter and more confident. It's hard, I know.

So, every time I feel like I did something wrong, I think to myself that I would have remembered, I would be sure I was wrong about something, because it’s too absurd. Does my brain think but is not so sure that it knows something? So it's a lie, it didn't happen. How could I remember the clothes, the place, the people, even the time but not the action? It doesn't make sense, it's sabotage.

You made a mistake in the past and you recognize and are so afraid to do the same thing; it shows that you’ve changed, that you don’t think to do it again. You have nothing to worry about. We know you didn't do that.

I hope you'll be fine (and try to find psychological help, really, it really helps).

And I also hope you understand my English

 

[curtains345]

I have false memories too.

As you said yourself, there is ample evidence to show that you did not do what your brain says it did. Besides, you talked to your girlfriend, right? There is no way to be more sincere than that, lean on it. I know that the desire to be 100% sure about something is overwhelming; something that would make you feel lighter and more confident. It's hard, I know.

So, every time I feel like I did something wrong, I think to myself that I would have remembered, I would be sure I was wrong about something, because it’s too absurd. Does my brain think but is not so sure that it knows something? So it's a lie, it didn't happen. How could I remember the clothes, the place, the people, even the time but not the action? It doesn't make sense, it's sabotage.

You made a mistake in the past and you recognize and are so afraid to do the same thing; it shows that you’ve changed, that you don’t think to do it again. You have nothing to worry about. We know you didn't do that.

I hope you'll be fine (and try to find psychological help, really, it really helps).

And I also hope you understand my English

Thanks for your reply

You are right I am being as up front and sincere as I can be, even about something it’s unlikely I did, I’m trying to lean on this!

I am currently seeking and getting help; therapy starting from uni and I am trying to get a psychiatric the recommendation of my uni mental health service, hoping this will provide some assurance and clarity as to why I get like this, the nurse believes it is primarily anxiety

Your English is perfect I hope u are well yourself