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Falling Apart

Mintea

Mintea

Member
Joined
Dec 31, 2018
Messages
16
Location
U.S.
For context; I suffered a hypomanic episode in late September that lasted 2-3 weeks; visited psych nurse practitioner (no longer seeing her) who suggested this was due to zoloft, prescribed abilify which i did not take bc it produced horrendous side effects which hindered my academic performance worse than it already was. She then suggested tapering off zoloft back to 12.5 mg a day that I was on before July, which did nothing and I just didn’t bother with tapering down at all. I dipped into a severe depressive episode with suicidal thoughts which has now ebbed into..this.

There are people in my head.A few of them, 4-5 have names, appearances (cant see them outside my mind but they have very vivd appearances mentally that appear out of nowhere) as well as rather distinct voices. Others are unnamed and whisper, yell, cry or scream at times. One of them (cannot say their names as they do not like it) is like the ringleader, he has been around for over a month and only in the past week has he been more vocal. I will put down a few entries of a log I’ve been doing for you to get an idea of what I’m experiencing:


11/?-11/19/19 — The voices emerge and intensify and begin to develop more in terms of personality, appearance, and vocabulary. H***** tries to convince me everyone around me is a robot, and I am the creator of reality and everyone is just a projection of my personality. He tried to convince me none of this world was real bc it is all my creation. At the same time, it is real and I cannot control it. He can be hypocritical but he’s very manipulative about it. He tells me to keep my head down, don’t make eye contact and try and look like everyone else otherwise if they found out I was human, they might kill me. I don’t fully believe what he tells me but I also cannot shake them despite the contrary evidence.

11/20/19 — G**** and C******** argued in my head today. C******** has orange hair in a perm/bun and wears silk robes and smokes a fancy thin cigarette thingy. G**** is not very clear but she has dark hair. I forgot what they argued about. His still the leader and wanted to manipulate me into believing my nice psychiatrist just wants my money and doesn’t care about me at all. He thinks I’m too gullible. Someone screamed at me, called me a lying, faking c*nt and that I was faking all of this.
All of them want me to run away to the city. They know where to go. I met the Philosopher. He’s pale, quiet with dark curly hair. He likes poetry and eagles. I had a meltdown and bit my hands and cried and freaked out, they all thought is was very entertaining.

11/21/19 — Mostly bits and pieces of conversation. They’re all still pushing me to go to the city. Or at least, wander off somewhere. They commented on me and insulted me a bit today but that’s normal for them. They’re all crass and rude despite their appearances. The Philosopher said if I was a bird, I’d be a dove (bc I asked him what kind of bird I was). He says it’s because a dove symbolizes purity, as I am pure compared to my friends. When I think about my friends he seems angry. He disapproved of them and is disdainful towards their habits. I worry he might turn me against them. He also provided me with some poetry but I forgot the exact words. They’re quite fragmented and don’t make sense.

The thing is, I don’t necessarily hear them outside my head (as seems typical for those who hear voices), but rather inside my head — kind of like the inner voice everyone seems to have, except I feel those words they say are definitely not my own and the people in my head I’m convinced are very real. They are not just thoughts. They’re starting to manipulate me, telling me nobody wants to help and that friends use me bc i’m too nice and therapists only want my money and watch me suffer, and I’m starting to believe them. I’m convinced they drained my energy today as punishment for not running away like they’ve been demanding. They also warp my environment by making things look wavy and warped like my reflection. I’m losing my grasp of reality and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I might just be faking this and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I dunno.
 
Mintea

Mintea

Member
Joined
Dec 31, 2018
Messages
16
Location
U.S.
I’m not sure how to respond? I just would like to know if someone has experienced something similar to what I’m experiencing now.
 
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