Falling apart....

[echo66]

I left. I even managed to stay away for about 3 weeks (although didn't get as far as going no-contact). Then I became ill with a bug, had a couple of days off work as it completely knocked me off my feet. X caught it from me, but I still managed to stay away. Then my Mum who I've been staying with, got ill. I had to call an ambulance in the early hours - she's now been in hospital for just over 2 weeks.

I fell apart. He said I could stay with him so I didn't have to be on my own. I wasn't too sure I could keep myself safe alone (I know how pathetic that sounds).
I went home.

My days are work-home-hospital-home-bed-repeat.... it's been like that for the past 17 days - I don't know if she's going to recover or not.

X has been cooking for me so I can just eat when I get home from work, and go straight out to the hospital. X has visited Mum off his own back, making sure she got fed when moved from one place to another. He didn't have to do any of that. He could have just let me sink on my own. I've already lost about 1/2 a stone, am barely functioning at work... barely functioning anywhere really.

If she does recover and come home, I need to be there for her, but already I'm feeling bad for what will amount to leaving X all over again. If she doesn't recover, then it's just me and him. I was asked recently "if this is as good as it gets (with X being supportive and helpful) would that be good enough? I said it might be livable. But in truth, I'm not sure it will be livable, but the alternative doesn't appeal any more either.

All that has got me through this past year is counselling support, that is ending in the next week or two. Couldn't have come at a worse time, but I know she can't be there forever.

So mixed up and confused. I really want to go to sleep and not wake up.

 

[ScaredCat]

I am so sorry about your Mum. Really hope she does recover. It doesnt sound pathetic that you didnt feel safe on your own. Saw your thread about counselling ending. No wonder you are feeling so bad. Dont think now is a good time to make decisions about anything. You must be exhausted. I know is difficult with everything you are coping with at the moment but you need to try and look after yourself

 

[SomersetScorpio]

Echo66, I might have you confused with somebody else, but does X have a history of being abusive towards you?

I'm sorry to hear that you have been unwell yourself and now your mother is unwell too. Life must be really exhausting for you at the moment and I can see how that has pushed you back with X.
But if you're not feeling like it's liveable - even if the alternative might seem a bit rubbish, surely it's better than being in a situation in which you are unhappy?

I'm sorry your counselling is ending soon too. Is this an NHS counsellor or another service? Have you asked if there is any way to get more sessions?
As you say, it's really bad timing and you could really do with the extra support at the moment from the sounds of things. x

 

[echo66]

Thanks Somersetscorpio...

No you don't have me confused with someone else...
I know it probably isn't the answer, but I need to return to what is familiar. I'm not coping too well alone.

 

[echo66]

Not coping too well, even though I was in work and supposedly distracted by being busy. All I could think about was how much I don't want to be here anymore. On way home yesterday, I tried 2 different MH helplines, couldn't get through to either of them. Ironic that when in crisis, you can't get through to a crisis line for support. So spent most of the evening/night in text conversation with Samaritans, that helped me get through last night.

Today I tried one of the MH helplines again and did manage to get through this time. The woman spoke to me for nearly an hour and the fact that she didn't ask for any personal identifying information was reassuring, don't think I'd have been quite so honest if she'd asked for personal details. She feels I need to be completely honest with GP about how bad things are.... I feel he will think he's done his bit by re-referring me back to primary care team... She also feels I need to be open and honest with my 'nearest & dearest' about how things are for me at the moment... I don't feel able to do this - I'm the one who copes, who looks after others; how can I tell them that they are part of the reason why I'm in this state...? :-(

 

[valleygirl]

I'm sorry you are having trouble coping. It is pretty bad when you can't get through on a crisis line, and I'm guessing that how you were feeling might have been exacerbated by this forum not being accessible either.

It's hard to be honest about just how bad things are. I think it can be scary because we don't know how others will respond, and it sounds like you don't think you will get a good response from your doctor. Is there any way to tell your family that you are struggling a great deal without making them feel responsible?

 

[echo66]

I tried to get hold of the primary care worker yesterday to tell her about the past couple of days (helpline lady's suggestion that I keep PCT informed)... first time I rang she was with someone so I was told to call back later. I called back later only to be told she'd left and was out for the rest of the day. I left a message.

Today I tried to reach her again, she was out... I left another message...
5pm came and went and she never called me back.

I remember now why I don't like dealing with these people, they make you feel as though you are a time-wasting nuisance...

Although I could have done with talking to someone, I didn't have the inclination or the energy to try the helpline again, plus I feel bad about calling them twice in the space of 3 days... Can feel myself going into shutdown mode.

 

[SomersetScorpio]

Your PCT worker sounds useless.. I'm really sorry she didn't get back to you and you were left without anybody to talk to.
I know it's hard but I do think you need to kick up a fuss in order to be taken seriously.. you know what they say about the squeaky wheel getting the oil.

Pleease don't feel bad or guilty about your use of the helplines. That's precisely what they're there for, and if you need to use them again, then do.

I remember phoning the Samaritan's every night for about two weeks. Sometimes i'd get the same person answering the phone as the night before.
It really isn't a problem and like I said, they're there to help. They'd only be sat there twiddling their thumbs if they weren't helping you.

I hope your PCT worker gets back to you - or you can get hold of her on Monday. xx