Fainting Panic Attacks, Agorophobia and slowly losing my mind

[SilkCutGirl]

Hey to all who read this! I dont know what to say and I dont know how its going to come out but any advice anyone could give me would be appreciated. Im slowly becoming agorophobic, these days I only leave the house once a week and I can only leave the house for about an hour. Today my GP reffered me to an 'anxiety management' centre refilled my prescription for Zispin and sent me on my merry way. Ive just come out of a major depression which started in nov 07 and ended about two months ago that said Anxiety has reached an all time high and is ruining my life, although Ive put on weight etc the anxiety is going to bring me to my knees, I've lost control of my life and know deep down inside if it wasnt for my family I would commit suicide. Ive been having fainting panic attacks, I get unbearably hot and sweaty and feel as though Im on the verge of collapse whenever Im in any situation I cant leave. I cant even cook food because I cant escape from the cooker. I feel like Ive finally started the slow decent into madness. Inside Ive always felt that there is something deeply wrong, intriniscally wrong with me. My mood changes alot and I feel really unstable. At the moment Im anxious, I cant sleep until Im exhausted and I have vivid nightmares all the time. In the past Ive self medicated with drugs and alcohol (im completely sober now though) and thus the doc wont give me any medication to help calm me. I know that sedatives will hinder me in the long term but I cant get a job or do interviews or move forward with my life at all. I am isolated but in part I enjoy being isolated too, I have a complete fantasy life that I live out in my head that is much more satisfying than 'real' life, I have obsessions with people, I have conversations with myself constantly and think that one day Im going to completely go over the edge. Im so ashamed that I actually just cant bring myself to say that outloud to anyone. The worst thing is that I beleive that Ive manisfested this entire existence using the law of attraction, in effect I've driven myself mental but no matter how hard I try I cant stop it. I cant seem to calm myself down and no doc seems willing to take me seriously, the way my GP sees it, the depression is beaten and anxiety management will complete the puzzle. I fear though that its not that simple. Im jittery, I cant sit still, have obsessive thoughts, im obessed with sex (but I cant bear to have sex with anyone) and I have no real sense of identity. I dont know if Im straight or if Im a lesbian, I think my father abused me as a child but I cant remember the first six years of my life and all I really remember were two suspicious incidents. I am defective though, I was a kleptomaniac as a child, set fire to things, had fantasys about hurting people and if Im honest I still do. I just feel like im headed for a complete meltdown. what am i? who am i? Where is this going I dont know? Does anyone have any idea what the hell is going on in my head?? I dont and no matter how many times I go to the doc I just go around in circles, Im starting to feel like something drastic has to happen before I can get help. I have this unbeleiveable urge to cut myself alot which I did once but Ive resisted since, what is it? why! ARgh!

 

[diddypinks]

hi

hi there you have a very intelligent brain youve just listed things about yourself that others wouldnt notice about themselves. you say you have no sense of identitiy. you are a good person its just that you think your bad from what has happened to you. its ok to feel afraid its ok to be confused. i myself went through a stage of being confused i thought i was a lesbian too i think you can be put off men that way when bad things happen to you. have you ever had cuncelling this REALLY helped me i would have been lost wwithout that its so difficult but if you could get that once a week and go to that once a week it might be good for you. its really intense and i emotionally draining i cried for 2 days once. we are human beings and we are all mildly obsessed with sex its perfectly ok. you will be able to at some point but your a bit unwell now. youve no confidence yet. you need to nurse yourself and be as kind to yourself as humanly possible. its an illness like any other get all the support you can from your doctor/cpn /councellor/ think warrior i can do this dont let the past ruin your future. things will get better it will just take a little time. be well and take care.diddy

 

[SilkCutGirl]

hey!

Thank you, thats really kind of you! Do you ever feel like you're just spinning out of control and nothing will stop you? lols. I went out a few times this week , had to go to GP today he contacted a hopsital about councelling so hopefully when the app comes it will help things. Ive been doing 'exposure therapy' myself and he said i just have to keep doing it, I will see a counsellor though, i'm looking forward to just getting better. thanks a million, that was really kind stuff to say, I just hope it gets better faster!! I'm gonna be a warrior, its a damn sight better than hiding in my attic!!

 

[diddypinks]

GREAT!

i'm glad youve got a councelling appointment! thats great i'm still not comfortable in crouds or really unfamiliar places yes i do know what its like to be like that i was very ill for a number of years. you have insight into your condition and people who have that often do a lot better. love the warrior spirit in you and with that you'll do just fine. be well diddy

 

[largelady]

Hi I am new to this

Hi

Been in hospital for 6 months...........acute psychiatric ward. I was sent out on not alot of meds just therapy.

Please make the most of your counselling it's invaluable I wish I had not let myself get to admission thing and explored councelling more.

Chin up big huggggs on way to you.

 

[Jenxy500]

Hi

I know how u feel and think you are being really strong through this. I suffered agoraphobia last year and some this year and it's one of the worst things you can go through as it just takes away your life. I also had a breakdown and felt like I was crazy and wondered what I was capable of with both others and myself. I even considered having myself sectioned to feel safe. Things will get better for you. Do you have any close friends that you would be able to talk to about this, especially if your GP isnt being very supportive? I managed to get through this with the help of a close friend who got me out when I just wanted to stay in the house forever. I also had 6 sessions of CBT that helped me. Both of those combined really changed my life. Please know that the clouds will pass and you can and will get better. I know that makes it sound easy and you have to go at your own pace but you will come through this. I wish you the best of luck with everything. Please dont give up! x

 

[squashedfaerie]

Silkcutgirl...thankyou for your post, I totally identify with nearly everything you said, I'm sitting here in tears because it's just soooo horrid that you feel like this.
I'm afraid I don't have any advice, except to see someone - which is obviously in the pipeline, I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

XXXJane

 

[honeyrose]

Hello Silkcutgirl, how are you now, i notice your post was several weeks ago. Have you managed to get your councelling.

I know how you feel, I felt I have lost two years of my life. I went to a hypnotherapist years ago and found it a well worth while.

 

[Talith]

Hi

Hi silkcut girl, I just read your profile and am so proud of you. You have turned your life around and it takes a lot of courage to do that. I wish I could get off the beer and the fags, but it has been so much of a part of my life for so long now that I accept the inevitable. Panic attacks and agoraphobia are so terrifying that a beer helps me to get out. Being disabled and not being able to work - who wants an old disabled woman to work for them? makes things worse. I hope you get a lot of help from this forum, I have already and I only joined this month. Talith

 

[MarcAntony]

Counseling is a HUGE resource. I've gone for 15 years.