- Aug 8, 2009
Hey to all who read this! I dont know what to say and I dont know how its going to come out but any advice anyone could give me would be appreciated. Im slowly becoming agorophobic, these days I only leave the house once a week and I can only leave the house for about an hour. Today my GP reffered me to an 'anxiety management' centre refilled my prescription for Zispin and sent me on my merry way. Ive just come out of a major depression which started in nov 07 and ended about two months ago that said Anxiety has reached an all time high and is ruining my life, although Ive put on weight etc the anxiety is going to bring me to my knees, I've lost control of my life and know deep down inside if it wasnt for my family I would commit suicide. Ive been having fainting panic attacks, I get unbearably hot and sweaty and feel as though Im on the verge of collapse whenever Im in any situation I cant leave. I cant even cook food because I cant escape from the cooker. I feel like Ive finally started the slow decent into madness. Inside Ive always felt that there is something deeply wrong, intriniscally wrong with me. My mood changes alot and I feel really unstable. At the moment Im anxious, I cant sleep until Im exhausted and I have vivid nightmares all the time. In the past Ive self medicated with drugs and alcohol (im completely sober now though) and thus the doc wont give me any medication to help calm me. I know that sedatives will hinder me in the long term but I cant get a job or do interviews or move forward with my life at all. I am isolated but in part I enjoy being isolated too, I have a complete fantasy life that I live out in my head that is much more satisfying than 'real' life, I have obsessions with people, I have conversations with myself constantly and think that one day Im going to completely go over the edge. Im so ashamed that I actually just cant bring myself to say that outloud to anyone. The worst thing is that I beleive that Ive manisfested this entire existence using the law of attraction, in effect I've driven myself mental but no matter how hard I try I cant stop it. I cant seem to calm myself down and no doc seems willing to take me seriously, the way my GP sees it, the depression is beaten and anxiety management will complete the puzzle. I fear though that its not that simple. Im jittery, I cant sit still, have obsessive thoughts, im obessed with sex (but I cant bear to have sex with anyone) and I have no real sense of identity. I dont know if Im straight or if Im a lesbian, I think my father abused me as a child but I cant remember the first six years of my life and all I really remember were two suspicious incidents. I am defective though, I was a kleptomaniac as a child, set fire to things, had fantasys about hurting people and if Im honest I still do. I just feel like im headed for a complete meltdown. what am i? who am i? Where is this going I dont know? Does anyone have any idea what the hell is going on in my head?? I dont and no matter how many times I go to the doc I just go around in circles, Im starting to feel like something drastic has to happen before I can get help. I have this unbeleiveable urge to cut myself alot which I did once but Ive resisted since, what is it? why! ARgh!