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failing therapy and scared of myself

doodles

doodles

Member
Joined
May 27, 2009
Messages
11
(The following must be the most ridiculous post ever!)

I’m a 22-year-old student and I guess I have been more or less depressed all my life.
After something like a breakdown I’m currently living with my parents again. Once a week I see a psychotherapist.

This is the first time I’ve been in therapy and I wouldn’t be if my parents hadn’t intervened. I simply couldn’t reach out because I don’t feel I deserve help even though I don’t know anymore how to cope by myself.

The problem is that I get completely tongue-tied whenever I sit in therapy. I sort of blank out, fade, am no longer aware of myself and am clueless as to why I’m there. I hear myself blithely declare I feel fine. Afterwards all my misery comes rushing back amplified by the frustration and the guilty conscience I get from wasting the therapist’s time. The only relief I find from all the despair, self-hatred and anger is in self-harming.

Also I’ve secretly been struggling with eating issues since puberty. For some reason now I’m back with my parents my eating is totally out of control: My weight is dropping and I can no longer deny the damage I’m inflicting on my body. On the one hand I’m scared of myself, on the other hand it feels like exactly the right way to treat myself and, in a way, to hang on to myself.

I wish I could tell the therapist about this or about all the other stuff I’m going through but every time I’m there everything is so surreal and I’m afraid she wouldn’t believe me or take me seriously. (In the first session she asked some questions because she thought I looked skinny but I couldn’t admit anything then as my father was there with me.)

How can I make people aware of my problems? I can’t open up. I even find posting this almost impossible. Last time the therapist asked whether I wanted another appointment seeing that I don’t co-operate.

Has anyone got some advice for me?
 
P

Paranoid MisterE

Active member
Joined
Jan 15, 2009
Messages
43
Hi doodles, welcome.

While i dont have any experience with the eating side(quite the opposite) i know exactly what you mean when it comes to therapy. I never trusted my therapist and didnt feel like i could open up. I frequently used to say what i thought they wanted to hear then left annoyed at myself that i wasnt truthful.

Have you tried writing down what is on your mind when you are troubled and taking that in with you? I found it easier to hand my therapist a written version to read rather than explain everything as i too was tongue tied.
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,624
Hey Doodles - why don;t you just print off your post and take a deep breathe and hand it over to your psychotherapist in your next session - don;t feel guilty about not being able to open up - it is extremely difficult for me too.

Welcome by the way and keep posting
KS
:hug:
 
P

Paranoid MisterE

Active member
Joined
Jan 15, 2009
Messages
43
Good advice from KS there.

You have done the hard part already and written it down on here.
 
D

Dollit

Guest
I saw my first psychiatrist when I was 17 and back in the 70s it was much different. He sat one side of a desk and I sat the other. The room was dark and because the adolescent unit was a secure unit you were locked behind a series of doors until you got to the office.

Things have changed a lot since then but what hasn't changed is the way we feel. That first time you are faced with the psychiatrist/therapist/counsellor can be quite scary. I felt as though I was giving up part of my soul. My mother gave me strict instructions before I went not to mention my family or sex (which I wasn't having anyway). Those early sessions did nothing for me. Eventually I began to see good people and times changed and, as I got a little older, I realised that if I wanted help then I had to talk to someone. It was hard but once I began to talk I began to accept and become well.

You've done really well and we'll give you the peer support that you need but only you can make the leap of faith and say something, anything that will let your therapist know that you do need help, you're just not sure how to ask.
 
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