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Failing at life

W

Wastedpotential

New member
Joined
Jul 30, 2020
Messages
2
Location
massachusetts
I recently have spoken to my 3rd psychologist as I continue to spiral. At least this one has a psychiatrist as part of the practice.

I'm 41 and am completely and utterly lost. I can't start work, be at home, or deal with any stress of any kind. They don't know if its bipolar or depression yet. I stay in bed alot but don't sleep. My mind is constantly flashing images and thoughts that I can't control.
I can hold long in depth conversions with someone while my mind is elsewhere. Almost as if I'm watching it all from inside my own head. I have panic attacks when trying to start a new job. I was leaving an industry to change careers and was set to start before corona hit and that was put on hold. Ive interviewed while freaking out inside, landed jobs but feel in my own mind im worthless, and that I am a failure at all I do. The little voice that tells me not to believe that has gotten softer and softer and I don't know what will happen if I don't hear it anymore.
My wife is supportive but scared. I feel useless and need to provide for my family. What kind of a man can't get through his own thoughts to work? I was extremely successful before, cock almost but had to work 70 hours a week to do it with non stop after hours emails and calls. It broke me down worse.
I have had 10 plus concussions. The last and was last year from a car accident which I'm still trying to recover from.
I've had manic episodes going back to age 5 that I can recall and always sabotage or lost myself in the end.

Sorry for rambling. I'm just so lost. I think about disappearing. Not hurting myself but just leaving my entire life and going to live as somewhere as someone else, living under a bridge. My wife could get my death benefit and my wife and kids would be free of me.

I am sure many have it worse and I should suck it up. I just can't.
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
874
Location
South Korea
The thing about depression is that you just have to fight on. Stay out of your comfort zone. Try to take medications. Don't lose hope.
 
L

LokiPokey75

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
347
Location
United States
Hi Wastedpotential (aww😞)

Welcome to the forum!

Wow. That sounds like a horrible situation to be in! You've worked yourself like a dog and now you're fearing your own life. I'm happy you have a wife and children there for you. Believe me, they would not want you to up and walk away. I'm also happy getting you're getting professional help as well.

I don't know what advice I can give you that will help, but I think it's okay to realize that you need to take this time to yourself. You need to heal. Allowing yourself to do that will help you identify the cause of your mental suffering (besides the concussions). A job may not be the best thing for you right now. It's easy to take your mind off of your life with work, but to really improve, you need to put your mind towards your stresses.

You said you've had manic episodes since you were 5. Where did they come from? What was your upbringing like? What fear do you carry with you from your childhood that you may not have addressed? Are you afraid that you will lose everything? Are you afraid that you will never be happy? Are you afraid that you are not enough?

There are probably many fears hidden beneath all the anxiety and discomfort you're feeling. Locating their source will help you realize what you need to do to get better. You have the love and support of your wife, a psychologist who can help you, and time due to the coronavirus. None of that matters though if you don't want to get better. Because only when you're ready will you.

Open up. Let others see the parts of you you're scared to show. Then accept them as part of who you are. These are not easy things to do, but they are necessary for growth.

I sincerely hope, WP, that you are able to overcome the struggles you're facing. You deserve a rich, fulfilling life. I believe in you!

Good luck and stay safe!
 
T

treasurebox

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
142
Location
Philippines
What you are in will pass. There will be better days for you. Believe it. Help will be coming your way. Your Maker will help you overcome. It will be good for you to follow what your doctor says. Stick to your medication. Be patient with yourself. Do things that you love doing. I love writing and so I keep on writing. What is one thing that you are really good at? It will be best to do it. It will bring you joy, fulfillment and success.

You were made to live a good life and be happy. Happiness is a choice. Create happy moments. Listen to good, uplifting and inspiring music from youtube daily or as needed.
 
W

Wastedpotential

New member
Joined
Jul 30, 2020
Messages
2
Location
massachusetts
I cant get my head on straight. I had a blood test and my elevated cholesterol and triglycerides have me freaked. Waiting to talk to a doctor but now have been feeling pain in my chest and can't tell if my mind and anxiety are creating it. I was supposed to staty a job tomorrow as well but can't. I'm literally falling apart. Happiness isn't a choice to me. I want to be happy I just can't find a scenario in which I am happy.
 
J

Johntron9999

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 18, 2018
Messages
315
Location
Calgary alberta
I recently have spoken to my 3rd psychologist as I continue to spiral. At least this one has a psychiatrist as part of the practice.

I'm 41 and am completely and utterly lost. I can't start work, be at home, or deal with any stress of any kind. They don't know if its bipolar or depression yet. I stay in bed alot but don't sleep. My mind is constantly flashing images and thoughts that I can't control.
I can hold long in depth conversions with someone while my mind is elsewhere. Almost as if I'm watching it all from inside my own head. I have panic attacks when trying to start a new job. I was leaving an industry to change careers and was set to start before corona hit and that was put on hold. Ive interviewed while freaking out inside, landed jobs but feel in my own mind im worthless, and that I am a failure at all I do. The little voice that tells me not to believe that has gotten softer and softer and I don't know what will happen if I don't hear it anymore.
My wife is supportive but scared. I feel useless and need to provide for my family. What kind of a man can't get through his own thoughts to work? I was extremely successful before, cock almost but had to work 70 hours a week to do it with non stop after hours emails and calls. It broke me down worse.
I have had 10 plus concussions. The last and was last year from a car accident which I'm still trying to recover from.
I've had manic episodes going back to age 5 that I can recall and always sabotage or lost myself in the end.

Sorry for rambling. I'm just so lost. I think about disappearing. Not hurting myself but just leaving my entire life and going to live as somewhere as someone else, living under a bridge. My wife could get my death benefit and my wife and kids would be free of me.

I am sure many have it worse and I should suck it up. I just can't.
Honestly I think you need to get ur brain scanned. You have had head injuries and that's a HUGE cause of depression anxiety and even anger issues. People with damaged temporal lobes usually have anger or irritability issues and an anticonvulsant would help like tegratol.

I'm not saying that's ur main problem but a doctor made an amazing video on YouTube called 87000 brain scans. And u will probably really see how to actually fix ur mental illness. I'm going through the same issues as you and what I've realized is you have to get ur brain physically and chemically right and than ur thoughts will follow!

When ur brain activity is out of wack like to much anxiety fear or depression you can't just give yourself the Tony Robbins speech and get over it. Maybe if u have mild issues but for me no way won't work. I would look into a spect scan from dr amen of u can afford it otherwise boosting seratonin and possably GABA should greatly help. Exercise alone does this but you may need proper medication. Maybe ur bi polar 2?

There's something out there weather it's a suppliment, medication or possably a toxin maybe u worked at a furniture store and the glue fumes have u brain damage. Not really but that's the idea. Or maybe the head injuries. But there is medication to stabilize your brain weather it's from any damage! You just got to keep trying suppliment after suppliment, medication or even TMS.
 
L

ludera

Member
Joined
Aug 3, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Madrid, Spain
I cant get my head on straight. I had a blood test and my elevated cholesterol and triglycerides have me freaked. Waiting to talk to a doctor but now have been feeling pain in my chest and can't tell if my mind and anxiety are creating it. I was supposed to staty a job tomorrow as well but can't. I'm literally falling apart. Happiness isn't a choice to me. I want to be happy I just can't find a scenario in which I am happy.
My humble opinion: Sport helps. Try to run, hike, and do everything you can to move your body. Get tired. I deal with anxiety a lot. Seriously. Less medicine, just run, move!
 
Last edited by a moderator:
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
3,485
Location
Nashua NH
Hello wasted, first of all all you are not wasted potential. You have been fortunate to have realized your potential in the recent past but are now taking a break for health reasons in the hopes of being able to get back to performing i. some capacity if/when you feel better at a future date. If someone came to you with your symptoms and your struggles what would you recommend they do about it? Probably the exact thing you are doing now so please give yourself the same consideration you would give another. I cannot give better advice than what was given above but just to try to practice patience with yourself and the process. Many overachievers become frustrated by being held back in any way in life, actually most of us do. Work with your doctors, thoroughly investigate the causes of your current health situation and work to resolve them one by one. If possible try to enjoy spending this extra time with your family! If/when you get back to work you won’t be able to see them as often. Finally, have you considered applying for disability? It wouldn’t replace your previous income but would help to bring some money in that could help to take the pressures off things while you pursue your healing. We are rooting for you! do, j
 
T

Toniyl40

Member
Joined
Aug 5, 2020
Messages
15
Location
Houston, tx
I know how it feels to feel lost. Hopefully your new psychologist will be helpful or you will meet someone that can truly help you. You need more support.
 
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