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Fail

MarlieeB

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I am a failure, that is why everything is happening to me.

There's only one way to stop being a failure.
 
W

Waverunner

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I'm not sure why you think you are a failure but I don't think you are a failure. I happen to think you do a lot on the forum to help others and that's no failure!
 
bulbie

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Definitely not a failure. I'd listen to these peeps.
 
pepecat

pepecat

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I am a failure, that is why everything is happening to me.
'The world' doesn't work like that (I don't think). I don't think the world keeps a tally of 'Marliee is a failure, lets throw shit at her'.
Shit happens - of course it does, we all know that. And sometimes, it feels like we get far more shit thrown at us than everyone else. But it's not 'because' of anything, it just 'is'.

It also kinda sounds like you feel like things are being done to you - almost as if you have no control over your life? Would that sound about right? Often, there are things we can't control in life - things friends do, or family do, or situations we find ourselves in, but we do have choices within that. Not big choices, always, and not easy choices either, but there are choices. (And no, I DON"T mean choosing to s/h or die).
We can choose not to play along with people's games, or not to listen if they tell us we're crap / useless. We can choose to look after ourselves - to go out for a walk when it's sunny, or have a nice bath, or just do something we like doing. We can choose to think 'stuff it, I'm going to do something for ME today' and spend the day watching tele or lying in bed.
We can also choose to do bigger scarier things like engage with therapy, ask for help when we feel we need it, take risks and tell people how we're feeling..... all hard and difficult things, especially when we've had bad experiences in the past. It might feel like no choice - 'I can't ask for help because I'll only get rejected' (for example), but there's still the choice there to take the risk and ask.
And if people (doctors / psychs / therapists) are unhelpful, the choice then is whether to say 'I give up, everyone's against me', or 'Actually, I want help here, and I"m going to try and get it', and keep trying. Again, it's a bloody hard thing to do though.

I had a psych once who told me (when I found out i'd missed a therapy appointment that i didn't even know I had) that he wouldn't recommend me for therapy and I should go and read a book about CBT and think about how people have it worse than me. I was still quite unwell at the time, and he really upset me (I actually complained about him in a letter :redface:). But there was a small part of me that knew I needed help and was determined to get it, so I went behind his back and rang the therapy place myself and started to get the help i knew i needed.

If you've got a little bit inside you that is determined, and has got some 'fight' left, and wants help and doesn't think you're a failure, then listen to that little bit - listen to it good and hard and keep hanging on. Keep going to the CBT (even though it will be hard, and probably shitty at times), but however small that little bit of you is that wants to be alive and wants things to be different, and want to just.....live, you hang on in there and don't bloody let go.

I reckon you can do it, you know. I've seen you post about stuff you've done at work, and how organised and productive you've been, and I think that when you get your head down and make a decision about something - and I mean a positive something like engaging with therapy or not listening to people who say horrid things to you - you're a determined so and so (and that's a GOOD thing, by the way) and you'll make massive leaps forward. You seem like you're stuck in a negative thought cycle at the moment (understandable, by the way), but I reckon if you can get out of that, you'll be well on the way. :hug:

and I shall stop now, cos I'm waffling.
 

MarlieeB

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Thank you Pep. I did try to answer, maybe I will give a more, rational answer later but I will answer :)
 

MarlieeB

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Attempt Three

'The world' doesn't work like that (I don't think). I don't think the world keeps a tally of 'Marliee is a failure, lets throw shit at her'.
Shit happens - of course it does, we all know that. And sometimes, it feels like we get far more shit thrown at us than everyone else. But it's not 'because' of anything, it just 'is'.
It does feel like that, especially at the moment. In all truth I am a failure but then again in other ways I am not but the reasons why I am not a failure are also the reasons why I am one.

My parents were told when I was younger, before I started speaking that I would never amount to anything by Doctors and for many years that drove me to prove people wrong but it also made people put more stuff in my way because I was always destined to be a failure so they would do anything they can to make sure I did fail.

It may not be the best way to think, I admit that.

It also kinda sounds like you feel like things are being done to you - almost as if you have no control over your life? Would that sound about right? Often, there are things we can't control in life - things friends do, or family do, or situations we find ourselves in, but we do have choices within that. Not big choices, always, and not easy choices either, but there are choices. (And no, I DON"T mean choosing to s/h or die).
We can choose not to play along with people's games, or not to listen if they tell us we're crap / useless.

We can choose to look after ourselves - to go out for a walk when it's sunny, or have a nice bath, or just do something we like doing. We can choose to think 'stuff it, I'm going to do something for ME today' and spend the day watching tele or lying in bed.
Yeah, there are things in life that you can't control as much as that sometimes annoys me.

I can't but also can control how people think of me but with my family no matter what I do I'm always going to be the one who would never amount to anything, just like the doctors told them. I'm the family joke. I could be Prime Minister and I would still be a failure in their eyes.

What is the point in carrying on fighting when nothing works?

I don't really have any control in my life, destiny is what controls my life and I truly believe and have for many years that I was destined to end my own life. Don't get me wrong, I have been trying to fight it but at one point you have to let that destiny take affect.

We can also choose to do bigger scarier things like engage with therapy, ask for help when we feel we need it, take risks and tell people how we're feeling..... all hard and difficult things, especially when we've had bad experiences in the past. It might feel like no choice - 'I can't ask for help because I'll only get rejected' (for example), but there's still the choice there to take the risk and ask.
And if people (doctors / psychs / therapists) are unhelpful, the choice then is whether to say 'I give up, everyone's against me', or 'Actually, I want help here, and I"m going to try and get it', and keep trying. Again, it's a bloody hard thing to do though.
Asking for help was hard, so hard and even now when the ball is rolling it scares the crap out of me. I was so resistant for so long and now I have actually taken the step to get going it is scary. Already, during assessments and my first couple of sessions of CBT the way I am being made to think about things makes it more real if that makes sense?

Don't get me wrong, I know everything happened and it was all real but I never actually accepted truly, deep down. I've said to myself that CBT is the first step to managing better but when that is already bringing up so much emotion, right at the start how the hell am I going to react later on, when more things are discussed.

I'm just scared of it all.

I had a psych once who told me (when I found out i'd missed a therapy appointment that i didn't even know I had) that he wouldn't recommend me for therapy and I should go and read a book about CBT and think about how people have it worse than me. I was still quite unwell at the time, and he really upset me (I actually complained about him in a letter :redface:). But there was a small part of me that knew I needed help and was determined to get it, so I went behind his back and rang the therapy place myself and started to get the help i knew i needed.

If you've got a little bit inside you that is determined, and has got some 'fight' left, and wants help and doesn't think you're a failure, then listen to that little bit - listen to it good and hard and keep hanging on. Keep going to the CBT (even though it will be hard, and probably shitty at times), but however small that little bit of you is that wants to be alive and wants things to be different, and want to just.....live, you hang on in there and don't bloody let go.
That small, tiny piece of my puzzle that wants to keep fighting gets broken more and more, the more I fight.

I'm giving things a shot but I don't think it's going to work. I bloody hate myself for typing that down, knowing that people are possibly wasting so much resource on me when there are people who are so much more deserving than little me.

At the moment I don't want to live, I don't want all these things going through my head but they are and I don't know what to make of it all, I don't know why all these things are going through my head at the same time. Usually, even when I feel rubbish I can rationalize my thoughts and see the connection but right at the moment I can't. At the moment all I want is to take some sort of miracle pill and just knock myself out for a few months/years, let people forget about me and then wake up and try and make a fresh start, where no one knows me. I know that "running away" like that doesn't fix the problems, only move them to another location but at least the rejection would be less raw.

I reckon you can do it, you know. I've seen you post about stuff you've done at work, and how organised and productive you've been, and I think that when you get your head down and make a decision about something - and I mean a positive something like engaging with therapy or not listening to people who say horrid things to you - you're a determined so and so (and that's a GOOD thing, by the way) and you'll make massive leaps forward. You seem like you're stuck in a negative thought cycle at the moment (understandable, by the way), but I reckon if you can get out of that, you'll be well on the way. :hug:

and I shall stop now, cos I'm waffling.
The thing is, is that I have made the decision and that decision is that I don't want to live.

My work is going down the pan, after the last time I was off sick they just treated me like crap which has made me go off sick again.

My sick note runs out on Thursday and I have a choice to make. Either go back and have all the rejection and my failure thrown in my face which will just make me feel worse than I do already (If I could feel any worse at all) or stay at home, be flat broke and keep on living, putting myself in loads of debt.

Thank you for your posts Pep, not just this one and sorry if it seems like I am destroying your very wise words. Also thank you for talking how you have. You have actually made me think and distracted me thoughts a little bit.

You are so smart and the way you have expressed in your words is very impressive, you would think you were a professional :)

x
 
pepecat

pepecat

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Marliee - thanks for the reply to my post. I'm very tired right now and going to bed, and then am at work all day tomorrow, but I will get back to you. Plus, I want to think about what you wrote a bit so I don't talk (more) crap :D
 
Q

Quickduck

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Wow, wow and wow pepecat! I was going to type a proper reply, but I really can't top that. Listen to that lady Marliee, she knows what she's talking about.
I was also told that I would be a failure and would never amount to anything, but in the end that's just other people's opinions, it's not a fact; and there's no reason why we have to believe it, or rather we can choose not to allow it to become part of our reality. Other people say stuff like that for there own reasons, usually self serving crap reasons; they don't have any better take on reality than the people who tell us we're a success; and you are most definitely a success in my eyes Marliee; it's all about what you want to believe. :hug: xxxxxxxxx
 
pepecat

pepecat

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It does feel like that, especially at the moment. In all truth I am a failure but then again in other ways I am not but the reasons why I am not a failure are also the reasons why I am one.
I've bolded that bit because that's important.....I think. 'Feels like' is not the same as 'is'. We can't always help the way we feel, but sometimes the way we feel about things is not the same as how they ARE. Depression, in particular, twists thoughts and feelings and distorts reality, so we feel all sorts of shit - that we're worthless, the world would be better off without us, we're never going to get better, everyone hates us.... but none of that is actual truth.
When i was really unwell, I thought all those things and wasn't really aware I was thinking them. Then when I started to get better, I was thinking and feeling those things, and I knew on some level they weren't true, but I couldn't stop myself thinking and feeling them. It was like watching my own brain car crash against itself and I could do nothing about it. Now, I mostly know those things aren't true, and neither do I feel them.
I wonder if the place you're in at the moment is twisting what you think and feel and it all seems very real and true.

I'm slightly confused when you say the things that make you not a failure also make you a failure - what does that mean?

My parents were told when I was younger, before I started speaking that I would never amount to anything by Doctors and for many years that drove me to prove people wrong but it also made people put more stuff in my way because I was always destined to be a failure so they would do anything they can to make sure I did fail.
That sounds quite sad - that people would do that.
Did teachers at school never encourage you, or anything like that?

I can't but also can control how people think of me but with my family no matter what I do I'm always going to be the one who would never amount to anything, just like the doctors told them. I'm the family joke. I could be Prime Minister and I would still be a failure in their eyes.
Yeaaaahhhh.. I kinda feel the same about my family. I'm more 'black sheep'. Haven't followed the plan and done what (I percieved) was expected of me. I could win the nobel prize and not be 'good enough'......
So I did my own thing, and kinda learnt not to expect approval. I'd rather do my own thing and be content with that and myself than bang my head against the brick wall of trying to live up to others expectations, or please them. That way madness lies........
They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result....maybe that's what we did as kids - tried to be 'good' and please our families, or be what they wanted, hoping that one day something would change. I have to say that's a brick wall I've stopped banging my head against repeatedly. Hurts too much.

What is the point in carrying on fighting when nothing works?
Maybe it's a case of re-assessing the fighting. Could you do it a different way? Could you say, 'I'm not playing this game any more' and go and do your own thing? Could you take a step back from the brick wall that you're banging your head against and find a different way of getting through. Maybe you can go over it, or round it, rather than through?

I don't really have any control in my life, destiny is what controls my life and I truly believe and have for many years that I was destined to end my own life. Don't get me wrong, I have been trying to fight it but at one point you have to let that destiny take affect.
Ah..... now I'm not a big believer in the whole destiny thing, I have to say. I also think that we don't know what our destiny ultimately is, so we can't say 'It's my destiny'. We only see a tiny portion of the whole picture of our lives.
I also think that putting things down to destiny takes away our agency - our choices. If we say "It's my destiny to never get a job' then it starts the 'why bother applying, I'm never doing to get one' thoughts. It takes away any control we might or could have. Why bother doing anything if we're 'destined' to die?
You could argue it was harry potter's destiny to be in slytherin - that was where the hat wanted to put him. But he said no and chose otherwise. You could argue it was his destiny to be the most powerful wizard in the world - he killed YKW - but he chose to throw away the elder wand and just live normally. You could also say that it was his destiny that he either kill or be killed by KNW (as dumbledore said), even within that he had a choice - BE killed, or DO the killing. You could also argue it was malfoy's destiny to kill dumbledore, and through the book you'd think so, but actually, it was snape's.
So what you might think at one point in time is your destiny, can actually be a small part of a much bigger picture that you can't see right now.

Asking for help was hard, so hard and even now when the ball is rolling it scares the crap out of me. I was so resistant for so long and now I have actually taken the step to get going it is scary. Already, during assessments and my first couple of sessions of CBT the way I am being made to think about things makes it more real if that makes sense?
That does make sense, totally. Starting to think about stuff and talk about it and process it, is scary as shit.... I've been there and it was hard. Really hard. BUT worth it. And you're right - I also find that things 'in my head' are easy to ignore or dismiss, but when you come to say them in therapy and process them it does feel like it makes them 'real'. There is something quite powerful in literally physically speaking out what happened to us - powerful in a good way, I mean. I often found as well that things in my head that I thought were awful or scary, actually lost some of their power and hold over me once I started talking about them.
It's weird how that works sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, I know everything happened and it was all real but I never actually accepted truly, deep down. I've said to myself that CBT is the first step to managing better but when that is already bringing up so much emotion, right at the start how the hell am I going to react later on, when more things are discussed.
I would suggest you talk to your therapist about that - tell them that you're scared of the emotions attached to things, that you're not sure how you'll cope with it all...... if they're aware of that they shouldn't then push you too hard or make you think about too much at once. The idea is to help you, not freak you out or put you off.
I once told my therapist I was scared - really scared - of working through stuff; I said it felt like jumping off a cliff. Her response was that we'd do it together, or we might find there was actually a pathway down to the valley at the bottom. I would talk to them about how scared you are about the whole process. I don't think you'll be unusual in that regard.

I'm giving things a shot but I don't think it's going to work.
Here's some 'new clothes' to try on (going back to a post of mine in another thread of yours) - how about trying on the 'This might work' clothes? Or if you can't go as far as 'this might work', then how about the new coat with the label 'I'm giving things a shot, lets see how this goes'?
Just sit with it and see how it suits.

I bloody hate myself for typing that down, knowing that people are possibly wasting so much resource on me when there are people who are so much more deserving than little me.
Deserve schmerve. :D Various people (gp / therapist / whoever) must think you're worth it and have some fight left in you and will benefit from this, otherwise you wouldn't be getting it. If you don't believe you're worth it, let other people believe it for you for a bit.

At the moment I don't want to live, I don't want all these things going through my head
That sentence seems to have two different parts, to me. I wonder if the second part - the not wanting things going round in your head - is the truth, but the solution to that, as far as you can see, is to be dead.
There is an alternate solution, but it takes a while and is hard word, and painful and crappy.....but if you can do it, it is worth it (in my experience). It's to engage with the therapy, work through the crappy stuff - which does make the 'things going round in my head' lessen an awful lot.

but they are and I don't know what to make of it all, I don't know why all these things are going through my head at the same time. Usually, even when I feel rubbish I can rationalize my thoughts and see the connection but right at the moment I can't.
It could be a number of things - starting therapy, stuff going on in your family life, a particularly rough patch MH wise, stress about max - all sorts of things culmulatively adding up to whirling thoughts.
Maybe now's not the time to try and analyse things. Perhaps its a case of just sitting with it and thinking 'Ok, there's a lot of stuff going on, I'll just get through it' and think about it afterwards. When you're out at sea in a force 10 gale, you're not wondering why it's happening or how heavy the rain is or how strong the wind is - all you know is that it's raining and windy and you need to hang on untill it passes. THEN you can think 'wow, that was some storm' and see what you just went through.

I feel like i'm talking way too much now, and probably not making much sense or being all that helpful.
And my dinner is ready, so I shall stop.

:hug:
 

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