'The world' doesn't work like that (I don't think). I don't think the world keeps a tally of 'Marliee is a failure, lets throw shit at her'.I am a failure, that is why everything is happening to me.
It does feel like that, especially at the moment. In all truth I am a failure but then again in other ways I am not but the reasons why I am not a failure are also the reasons why I am one.'The world' doesn't work like that (I don't think). I don't think the world keeps a tally of 'Marliee is a failure, lets throw shit at her'.
Shit happens - of course it does, we all know that. And sometimes, it feels like we get far more shit thrown at us than everyone else. But it's not 'because' of anything, it just 'is'.
Yeah, there are things in life that you can't control as much as that sometimes annoys me.It also kinda sounds like you feel like things are being done to you - almost as if you have no control over your life? Would that sound about right? Often, there are things we can't control in life - things friends do, or family do, or situations we find ourselves in, but we do have choices within that. Not big choices, always, and not easy choices either, but there are choices. (And no, I DON"T mean choosing to s/h or die).
We can choose not to play along with people's games, or not to listen if they tell us we're crap / useless.
We can choose to look after ourselves - to go out for a walk when it's sunny, or have a nice bath, or just do something we like doing. We can choose to think 'stuff it, I'm going to do something for ME today' and spend the day watching tele or lying in bed.
Asking for help was hard, so hard and even now when the ball is rolling it scares the crap out of me. I was so resistant for so long and now I have actually taken the step to get going it is scary. Already, during assessments and my first couple of sessions of CBT the way I am being made to think about things makes it more real if that makes sense?We can also choose to do bigger scarier things like engage with therapy, ask for help when we feel we need it, take risks and tell people how we're feeling..... all hard and difficult things, especially when we've had bad experiences in the past. It might feel like no choice - 'I can't ask for help because I'll only get rejected' (for example), but there's still the choice there to take the risk and ask.
And if people (doctors / psychs / therapists) are unhelpful, the choice then is whether to say 'I give up, everyone's against me', or 'Actually, I want help here, and I"m going to try and get it', and keep trying. Again, it's a bloody hard thing to do though.
That small, tiny piece of my puzzle that wants to keep fighting gets broken more and more, the more I fight.I had a psych once who told me (when I found out i'd missed a therapy appointment that i didn't even know I had) that he wouldn't recommend me for therapy and I should go and read a book about CBT and think about how people have it worse than me. I was still quite unwell at the time, and he really upset me (I actually complained about him in a letter ). But there was a small part of me that knew I needed help and was determined to get it, so I went behind his back and rang the therapy place myself and started to get the help i knew i needed.
If you've got a little bit inside you that is determined, and has got some 'fight' left, and wants help and doesn't think you're a failure, then listen to that little bit - listen to it good and hard and keep hanging on. Keep going to the CBT (even though it will be hard, and probably shitty at times), but however small that little bit of you is that wants to be alive and wants things to be different, and want to just.....live, you hang on in there and don't bloody let go.
The thing is, is that I have made the decision and that decision is that I don't want to live.I reckon you can do it, you know. I've seen you post about stuff you've done at work, and how organised and productive you've been, and I think that when you get your head down and make a decision about something - and I mean a positive something like engaging with therapy or not listening to people who say horrid things to you - you're a determined so and so (and that's a GOOD thing, by the way) and you'll make massive leaps forward. You seem like you're stuck in a negative thought cycle at the moment (understandable, by the way), but I reckon if you can get out of that, you'll be well on the way.
and I shall stop now, cos I'm waffling.
I've bolded that bit because that's important.....I think. 'Feels like' is not the same as 'is'. We can't always help the way we feel, but sometimes the way we feel about things is not the same as how they ARE. Depression, in particular, twists thoughts and feelings and distorts reality, so we feel all sorts of shit - that we're worthless, the world would be better off without us, we're never going to get better, everyone hates us.... but none of that is actual truth.It does feel like that, especially at the moment. In all truth I am a failure but then again in other ways I am not but the reasons why I am not a failure are also the reasons why I am one.
That sounds quite sad - that people would do that.My parents were told when I was younger, before I started speaking that I would never amount to anything by Doctors and for many years that drove me to prove people wrong but it also made people put more stuff in my way because I was always destined to be a failure so they would do anything they can to make sure I did fail.
Yeaaaahhhh.. I kinda feel the same about my family. I'm more 'black sheep'. Haven't followed the plan and done what (I percieved) was expected of me. I could win the nobel prize and not be 'good enough'......I can't but also can control how people think of me but with my family no matter what I do I'm always going to be the one who would never amount to anything, just like the doctors told them. I'm the family joke. I could be Prime Minister and I would still be a failure in their eyes.
Maybe it's a case of re-assessing the fighting. Could you do it a different way? Could you say, 'I'm not playing this game any more' and go and do your own thing? Could you take a step back from the brick wall that you're banging your head against and find a different way of getting through. Maybe you can go over it, or round it, rather than through?What is the point in carrying on fighting when nothing works?
Ah..... now I'm not a big believer in the whole destiny thing, I have to say. I also think that we don't know what our destiny ultimately is, so we can't say 'It's my destiny'. We only see a tiny portion of the whole picture of our lives.I don't really have any control in my life, destiny is what controls my life and I truly believe and have for many years that I was destined to end my own life. Don't get me wrong, I have been trying to fight it but at one point you have to let that destiny take affect.
That does make sense, totally. Starting to think about stuff and talk about it and process it, is scary as shit.... I've been there and it was hard. Really hard. BUT worth it. And you're right - I also find that things 'in my head' are easy to ignore or dismiss, but when you come to say them in therapy and process them it does feel like it makes them 'real'. There is something quite powerful in literally physically speaking out what happened to us - powerful in a good way, I mean. I often found as well that things in my head that I thought were awful or scary, actually lost some of their power and hold over me once I started talking about them.Asking for help was hard, so hard and even now when the ball is rolling it scares the crap out of me. I was so resistant for so long and now I have actually taken the step to get going it is scary. Already, during assessments and my first couple of sessions of CBT the way I am being made to think about things makes it more real if that makes sense?
I would suggest you talk to your therapist about that - tell them that you're scared of the emotions attached to things, that you're not sure how you'll cope with it all...... if they're aware of that they shouldn't then push you too hard or make you think about too much at once. The idea is to help you, not freak you out or put you off.Don't get me wrong, I know everything happened and it was all real but I never actually accepted truly, deep down. I've said to myself that CBT is the first step to managing better but when that is already bringing up so much emotion, right at the start how the hell am I going to react later on, when more things are discussed.
Here's some 'new clothes' to try on (going back to a post of mine in another thread of yours) - how about trying on the 'This might work' clothes? Or if you can't go as far as 'this might work', then how about the new coat with the label 'I'm giving things a shot, lets see how this goes'?I'm giving things a shot but I don't think it's going to work.
Deserve schmerve. Various people (gp / therapist / whoever) must think you're worth it and have some fight left in you and will benefit from this, otherwise you wouldn't be getting it. If you don't believe you're worth it, let other people believe it for you for a bit.I bloody hate myself for typing that down, knowing that people are possibly wasting so much resource on me when there are people who are so much more deserving than little me.
That sentence seems to have two different parts, to me. I wonder if the second part - the not wanting things going round in your head - is the truth, but the solution to that, as far as you can see, is to be dead.At the moment I don't want to live, I don't want all these things going through my head
It could be a number of things - starting therapy, stuff going on in your family life, a particularly rough patch MH wise, stress about max - all sorts of things culmulatively adding up to whirling thoughts.but they are and I don't know what to make of it all, I don't know why all these things are going through my head at the same time. Usually, even when I feel rubbish I can rationalize my thoughts and see the connection but right at the moment I can't.
|S||Wellbutrin fail? Pls ideas||Depression Forum||3|
|B||Deciding to leave, if my way out doesn't fail.||Depression Forum||19|
|C||I Fail to See Meaning In Life Anymore||Depression Forum||1|
|B||I don't want to fail||Depression Forum||3|
|L||After drug and ECT fail. what next?||Depression Forum||1|
|B||Samaritans Fail||Depression Forum||13|
|Fail = me||Depression Forum||26|