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F*****g Rage

P

PsychoPrince

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2019
Messages
128
Location
Indy
Welp. Been on the antidepressant for nearly four weeks. Still bored. No friends. No relationship. No money to spend. Raman noodle and oatmeal diet. Every show, movie, and book are boring as hell.

Fuck everyone and everything. I don't think there is any joy to be found for me in this life anymore. You win, world. You beat me. Now you're kicking me while I'm down over and over. Fuck you world.

No friends, no girl, no fun, not so much as an enjoyable meal. Too anxious to spend too much time public. Too anxious to go to church. Parents who remind me over and over about the son they wish they had instead of just appreciating the one God gave them. Dying grandpa. It was my grandmother's birthday yesterday and when I called her she didn't answer and even she never called back. Terrified of everything. A job that's wreaking havoc on my body for shit pay. Concentration enough to go to school and work towards a better job a thing of the past. Memories are torture. Douchebag co workers.

I have prayed. I have medicated. I have fucked. I smoked pot, drank, and ate mushrooms until I couldn't walk. I have tried helping people. I have gone to therapy for a million years now. Is there anything in this world that will get this feeling out of me. Fuck pretending. I am not okay.
 
calypso

calypso

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Jan 5, 2011
Messages
43,510
Location
Lancashire
WOW that sounds awful. Your therapy doesn't work then? May I ask what type you have? I am sorry about your grand parents that must have been hard. Your parents sound as though they need therapy about their attitude towards you!

I know that one about memories being torture. I always remember the things that embarrass me and have me cringing at things I said and did. Its awful. I sympathise with you.
 
G

GTG

Active member
Joined
Jun 30, 2019
Messages
30
Location
UK
Are you actually going to give it up ?
 
HopefulMe

HopefulMe

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Joined
Oct 4, 2019
Messages
75
Location
United Statea
I'm sorry your feeling so awful!! I can relate to the frustration of knowing you need to do something, but every road has a dead end!!! All I can say is please don't give up, it can and will get better. Sending you hugs and positive vibes this morn 😁 If u wanna chat or yell and scream I'll listen!! I hope your feeling better!!
 
I

indigo6

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Joined
Jan 30, 2019
Messages
537
Location
UK
Hello PP Maybe you meds arent working and the state you are in may be them playing up before they actually do kick in.
Yep you have massive issues, life situations that are messing you up. At least you know thats whats happening to you.
Therapy is helpful but it has to be right.
Rec drugs will not in anyway help you, I dont need t tell you. You are messing with a stressed mind already and competing or interacting with your meds, not a good idea really. Your perspectives are already out of balance.
 
J

Jules5

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
1,577
Location
Florida
Sorry about your Grandma not answering you she may have been busy with your Grandfather. Sometimes birthdays as we get older are just not that important. Please hang in there. Things do get better. I never really new any of my grandparents. No Fears and No Worries Jules
 
NMTB

NMTB

Member
Joined
Oct 5, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Australia
Yep, I feel shit too. No solutions, been living with this since a kid. Keep existing cos the other option would devastate my wife - can't bear to do that.
 
P

PsychoPrince

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2019
Messages
128
Location
Indy
WOW that sounds awful. Your therapy doesn't work then? May I ask what type you have? I am sorry about your grand parents that must have been hard. Your parents sound as though they need therapy about their attitude towards you!

I know that one about memories being torture. I always remember the things that embarrass me and have me cringing at things I said and did. Its awful. I sympathise with you.
It's not that my therapy doesn't work. I have had many therapists, and my current one is perhaps the most relatable I've ever had. When I'm with her it's like I always forget about what's troubling me and I know it's because she is the only source of comforting human contact I have. But the moment I leave her office, it's back to square one. No human contact, no hobbies.

I did have someone from work invite me to play a D&D with them but that's just not my thing. That was my only invite in four nearly years of work though. I had a group of friends a little over a year ago, but they all smoke weed and do lots of other drugs, as a schizo I need to stay away from that. Not that I have a problem doing so. No texts back, see. I had a group of friends before that in which I was the only one doing drugs (my girlfriend smoked weed on occasion but I was inhaling more pot smoke than oxygen) so that and a bunch of other mistakes ended that. They expelled me from the group.

I don't know what to think anymore.
 
calypso

calypso

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Jan 5, 2011
Messages
43,510
Location
Lancashire
No hobbies you say. Is there anything that interests you at all? Sometimes its hard to think of things but perhaps look into it? I have few hobbies but somethings interest me. I follow those and get to meet people that way. But its so hard when you are down to think of anything much. I do understand.
 
Dexter85

Dexter85

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 20, 2019
Messages
57
Location
Linconshire
It's not that my therapy doesn't work. I have had many therapists, and my current one is perhaps the most relatable I've ever had. When I'm with her it's like I always forget about what's troubling me and I know it's because she is the only source of comforting human contact I have. But the moment I leave her office, it's back to square one. No human contact, no hobbies.

I did have someone from work invite me to play a D&D with them but that's just not my thing. That was my only invite in four nearly years of work though. I had a group of friends a little over a year ago, but they all smoke weed and do lots of other drugs, as a schizo I need to stay away from that. Not that I have a problem doing so. No texts back, see. I had a group of friends before that in which I was the only one doing drugs (my girlfriend smoked weed on occasion but I was inhaling more pot smoke than oxygen) so that and a bunch of other mistakes ended that. They expelled me from the group.

I don't know what to think anymore.
Hey mate,

I keep trying to find my "hobby" nothing is working apart from emptying my bank faster than usual... I saw somewhere about the learning the guitar can help to focus the mind but its so much harder than i thought !! I find when i'm in a dark and lonely mood nothing helps but music blasting in my ears...

I hope you feel better soon...
 
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PsychoPrince

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2019
Messages
128
Location
Indy
Hey mate,

I keep trying to find my "hobby" nothing is working apart from emptying my bank faster than usual... I saw somewhere about the learning the guitar can help to focus the mind but its so much harder than i thought !! I find when i'm in a dark and lonely mood nothing helps but music blasting in my ears...

I hope you feel better soon...
Music is irrefutably profound relief. I used to play drums but had to sell my kit to pay medical bills. Thank you for your concern.
 
P

PsychoPrince

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2019
Messages
128
Location
Indy
No hobbies you say. Is there anything that interests you at all? Sometimes its hard to think of things but perhaps look into it? I have few hobbies but somethings interest me. I follow those and get to meet people that way. But its so hard when you are down to think of anything much. I do understand.
I used to play drums and shoot firearms, but I had to sell my kit and my weapons to pay medical bills. And my parents don't allow me to have a firearm in their house (since I live with them at 25 UGH), they think I'm going to be one of those idiots who shoots up a school or something. Simply put, no, I would not do that...I miss shooting most of all. I've always been a good shot but never had enough money to see myself get as good at it as I can be, it's such an expensive hobby.
Thank you for taking the time to talk with me Calypso.
 
P

PsychoPrince

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2019
Messages
128
Location
Indy
Are you actually going to give it up ?
I am not going to end my life if that's what you mean. But I do wonder if there is hope for me to get up in the morning excited to have woken up rather than to be disappointed. I want to wake up on a friend's couch and see I have missed messages from other friends full of inside jokes. That to me would be the official "I have beaten this damned thing" moment.
 
P

PsychoPrince

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2019
Messages
128
Location
Indy
Hello PP Maybe you meds arent working and the state you are in may be them playing up before they actually do kick in.
Yep you have massive issues, life situations that are messing you up. At least you know thats whats happening to you.
Therapy is helpful but it has to be right.
Rec drugs will not in anyway help you, I dont need t tell you. You are messing with a stressed mind already and competing or interacting with your meds, not a good idea really. Your perspectives are already out of balance.
I don't use rec drugs anymore, haven't in over a year. I haven't even had cig since the the month before last, just a nicotine vape and a single drink.
 
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