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Extremely Hate myself and lots of other Frustrations (Contains Triggering and Vulgar language.)

L

Lemonelephant

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Jan 22, 2015
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18
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UK
Extremely Hate myself and lots of other Frustrations (Contains Triggering and Vulgar language.)

Finally managed to write something.

Hate myself anger and scaredness - I hate (and don't trust) myself an extreme lot. I don’t think I deserve anything ever at anytime, from anyone, anywhere or anyhow. I consider myself and everything about me inferior to others (my opinions, thoughts, feelings etc.). I never talk to anyone, often don't even say the bare minimum, because I don't trust them ("those fucking bastards", I think in my head. I simply hate humans at this point for all that (hurtful) which they've done to me and all those others who've not done anything for me at all (who couldn't be bothered.)) I fucking hate myself not to be able to say these things or anything else to others and I hate others for being as they are, in which position they're more of an impediment than offering me the help that I need (and desperately 'pray' for). I am fucking scared of what's beyond it, if I were to speak; the future, what they're going to do to me, criticise me for, that they’re going to get in my way, disrespect me, a turn of the tides for them (after which they treat me completely differently).

Unsupported - Feel I've been trying everything in life to get support, but it’s just not there and doesn't exist (councillors and professionals can’t find a diagnosis other than Depression, PTSD and anxiety for me, but I feel there's sth more there, much more. They're the health professionals, but it frustrates me so much that if ‘they’ can't do anything, who else could or how, what can I do???!!!!)) And I've been really dangling on the edge of suicide for a very long time. CBT approaches had been tried, but I don’t buy into those or put up with them.

Frustrated that can’t progress - I am fucking frustrated, helpless and powerless over my daily disconnecting and detachment all the time from almost everything. I am also very frustrated over my hugely ingrained/self defensive avoiding and denying behaviour patterns (partly as a result of feeling inferior to others. E.g. when others feel a certain way, I feel/believe I don’t have any thoughts, feelings or don't deserve anything anymore). I am extremely frustrated when I see others who are able to do well in all those things I don’t/can’t do well in and are 'doing much better' in approaching, thinking about or even just wording (e.g. talking at times about) their personal things (when they’re struggling (a lot.))

Quiet person - I tend to be the timid/quiet person who swallows (many of) his words, thoughts and feelings (as well as bottles things up), rather than to let them out (often because I dismiss what I said/thought myself (as my parents always used to do (so, probably as a result of them doing it and still hearing their voices in my head) and all the criticism, bullying and betrayal I’ve received from others)). I also often assume the whole world already knows what's going on for me, what my thoughts etc. are, as I am always paranoia that when I’ve spoken to someone about sth, or think sth, the whole world knows that I think that. So, I feel totally exposed, anxious and ready for people’s criticism and snide comments all the time.

Harsh on myself - I am always extremely harsh on myself. Constantly saying to myself "OK <me>, you've said enough (bullocks, time consuming and off-topic) things now, shut the fuck up!” And that's (even though I’d rather not admitted it at this point (because it sounds contradictory)) when I've basically hardly said anything yet.

Unsure how still alive - I've been created out of this planet and will be absorbed back into it when I die, but at the moment, I have absolutely no idea how I am still alive.
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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small town Ontario, Canada
Unsupported - Feel I've been trying everything in life to get support, but it’s just not there and doesn't exist (councillors and professionals can’t find a diagnosis other than Depression, PTSD and anxiety for me, but I feel there's sth more there, much more. They're the health professionals, but it frustrates me so much that if ‘they’ can't do anything, who else could or how, what can I do???!!!!)) And I've been really dangling on the edge of suicide for a very long time. CBT approaches had been tried, but I don’t buy into those or put up with them.
Sorry just thinking how serious and how much PTSD effects me as an individual and has for 40 years of my life. What more do you think is there? Don't you think PTSD is serious enough in itself? Also to quote you feel unsupported but your not buying into CBT approaches. It's been shown that CBT doesn't always work with PTSD, but it can be helpfull to see yourself in a better light as part of a more comprehensive treatment by a PTSD specialist. Honestly I've only had some benefit from CBT personally, REBT and DBT and have now opted for EMDR with a PTSD specialist. I still have doubts as to how much it can help after all these years. Somethings just seem so inheritantly ingrained, don't know if they will ever change now with any kind of therapy. Must say though that I no longer get the severe black depressions or suicidal thoughts, and can function without the assistance of medications so I must of made progress somewhere in all that therapy.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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What support are you hopeing to get? Have you got a social worker?
 
L

Lemonelephant

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Joined
Jan 22, 2015
Messages
18
Location
UK
Sorry just thinking how serious and how much PTSD effects me as an individual and has for 40 years of my life. What more do you think is there? Don't you think PTSD is serious enough in itself? Also to quote you feel unsupported but your not buying into CBT approaches. It's been shown that CBT doesn't always work with PTSD, but it can be helpfull to see yourself in a better light as part of a more comprehensive treatment by a PTSD specialist. Honestly I've only had some benefit from CBT personally, REBT and DBT and have now opted for EMDR with a PTSD specialist. I still have doubts as to how much it can help after all these years. Somethings just seem so inheritantly ingrained, don't know if they will ever change now with any kind of therapy. Must say though that I no longer get the severe black depressions or suicidal thoughts, and can function without the assistance of medications so I must of made progress somewhere in all that therapy.
I think there might be some other things stirring up my brain all the time. I am very harsh on myself, so even though I suffer from conditions, I do not have any mercy for myself. Beating myself up is like a 'hobby' for me to be honest. I completely hate myself and like I'd said before, don't know why I am still alive. I am quite bad at understanding (or unwilling, so I can treat myself badly) the seriousness of the 'untouchable', like mental health problems, that's why PTSD might not seem serious enough.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

ACCOUNT CLOSED
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Yeah the problem with social workers are their caseloads are huge and so much paperwork I think its hard for them to care like they once could.
Are you in a service at all? In receipt of benefits or work? Do you feel you'd benefit from a support worker aswell? Like help with the everyday cleaning, bills etc And just someone to come listen and give encouragement. Sorry for all the questions just trying to work out what could be put in place for you.
 
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