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Extreme shyness

J

jordan84

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Jan 13, 2021
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21
I have really severe social phobia but at the same time am extremely shy around people and quiet, it's hard to describe but I'm really quiet and introverted and feel as if I don't have any personality because I'm so shy, I'm not sure if it's being struck with intense fear that keeps me quiet or because I'm very introverted or both. It makes me feel really down and I can't connect with people because of it and very lonely. I'm talking about being extremely shy like not being able to talk around or to other people ☹
 
K

karl7

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Jul 9, 2013
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918
im in the same boat.....i have no friends, the only interaction i have with people is this site.
 
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J

jordan84

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im in the same boat.....i have no friends, the only interaction i have with people is this site.
😊 sorry how you are in the same boat also :/ it is a horrible condition.
 
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jajingna

jajingna

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You have a personality, we all do. It wants to be expressed, but is inhibited. Your perception that others are threatening to your well-being is the source of this inhibition. Others can be impolite or worse, but this is probably not the issue, as we have no say over other people's behavior or words, or what they might possibly be thinking. But this understanding takes place in the rational area of the brain, not the emotional area, which is deeper, more primitive, and closer to the core of who you are. Thoughts come and go, but emotions are more stable, more rooted in this sense of self we all have.

Removing or deactivating the sense of threat or danger is key to being at ease and comfortable with people. But how? I don't know. I've done some EFT tapping which helps calm anxiety a little, but not sure it can resolve much. There is also resistance to change, perhaps subconsciously we want to remain as we have been for so long, which is familiar.

In essence, it is a safety issue, and an emotional problem. Becoming aware of your emotions and how they feel in your body, is a start. Reassure yourself that you are safe, this may help too. If there is anybody you feel comfortable enough with, perhaps you could explore some of the difficulty you have socially with that person. You'd be lucky to have someone like that. I'm not sure many therapists even understand much about social anxiety, a common problem that has held so many people hostage for years.
 
J

jordan84

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Joined
Jan 13, 2021
Messages
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You have a personality, we all do. It wants to be expressed, but is inhibited. Your perception that others are threatening to your well-being is the source of this inhibition. Others can be impolite or worse, but this is probably not the issue, as we have no say over other people's behavior or words, or what they might possibly be thinking. But this understanding takes place in the rational area of the brain, not the emotional area, which is deeper, more primitive, and closer to the core of who you are. Thoughts come and go, but emotions are more stable, more rooted in this sense of self we all have.

Removing or deactivating the sense of threat or danger is key to being at ease and comfortable with people. But how? I don't know. I've done some EFT tapping which helps calm anxiety a little, but not sure it can resolve much. There is also resistance to change, perhaps subconsciously we want to remain as we have been for so long, which is familiar.

In essence, it is a safety issue, and an emotional problem. Becoming aware of your emotions and how they feel in your body, is a start. Reassure yourself that you are safe, this may help too. If there is anybody you feel comfortable enough with, perhaps you could explore some of the difficulty you have socially with that person. You'd be lucky to have someone like that. I'm not sure many therapists even understand much about social anxiety, a common problem that has held so many people hostage for years.
What you wrote is very insightful 😊

I agree how subconsciously we want to remain the same as it's what is so familiar and change is uncomfortable. To get better or to change tho we must be prepared for things to get uncomfortable. I'm sorry you have this condition too 😖
 
Y

yellowsun

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Mar 27, 2021
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indonesia
I can relate to this extreme shyness. Am still shy at times, but not to the degree of debilitating anymore. Sometimes I'll be fortunate to meet friendly, extroverted, talkative, accommodating people.

Other times, I find that being good at something, or having something that you do helps create an identity for you, and therefore will help you to interact with people. Since you are bringing something into the table/conversation instead of your shyness. You can probably talk about your shyness at one point.
 
jajingna

jajingna

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I can think of lots of experiences where the shyness, or anxiety, or fear or just lack of confidence, led to not having better opportunities. For me it happened a lot with women, ya know, not getting past anything superficial because a lot of communication is needed to do that. Or asking someone out, such a mortifying thing. A lot of awkward experiences, would seem like my timing was bad, or I just acted strange or said something odd, or whatever, and I'd make a big deal in my thoughts after about every little thing I said or did, like every little detail mattered.

There's a kind of perfectionism in all this. You might think everything has to be just right, nearly ideal, in order for the social interaction to go smoothly. We are too harsh on ourselves, and thinking the other person is viewing you in the same way, is a distorted view.

Another thing I thought about the other day, is how this disorder puts others on a level above yourself. We're giving others way too much credit and power, thinking that their perceptions matter so much. Why do we need approval so much that we'll avoid people out of fear of not receiving their approval? Who are these people anyway? Why do we need them to validate us? We're giving them too much importance when the main issue is simply trying to get to where you are feeling comfortable to be yourself.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Jun 13, 2016
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2,176
I have really severe social phobia but at the same time am extremely shy around people and quiet, it's hard to describe but I'm really quiet and introverted and feel as if I don't have any personality because I'm so shy, I'm not sure if it's being struck with intense fear that keeps me quiet or because I'm very introverted or both. It makes me feel really down and I can't connect with people because of it and very lonely. I'm talking about being extremely shy like not being able to talk around or to other people ☹
Sometimes it's about creating meaningful connections. Why not share with us what matters to you, your opinions, your dreams, your aspirations, what motivates you in life etc. Hope this helps :)
 
J

jordan84

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Jan 13, 2021
Messages
21
Sometimes it's about creating meaningful connections. Why not share with us what matters to you, your opinions, your dreams, your aspirations, what motivates you in life etc. Hope this helps :)
Thanks OCDguy 😊 hope you are doing well 😊 I will try to do that more, thanks for the advice 😊
 
zula77

zula77

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Jan 10, 2021
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51
Location
York
I relate a lot to the personality bit...I often think I'm boring but then shy and quiet people often do a lot more thinking than the loud people and maybe this makes us more interesting... plus why should we be talking to other people all the time...I wish more people were shy and quiet, they make me feel much more comfortable and less judged
 
J

JeanPierre

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Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
1,948
Location
Southern USA
I am an extremely shy person. Just now I'm finding out about social anxiety. Who knew?
The thing I have learned in my life is that just about everyone feels weird, shy, anxious, etc.
about themselves. It gets better with age somehow.
I hope this helps a tiny bit. ✌
 
M

ManDss

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Joined
Apr 22, 2018
Messages
834
Location
Argentina
I have really severe social phobia but at the same time am extremely shy around people and quiet, it's hard to describe but I'm really quiet and introverted and feel as if I don't have any personality because I'm so shy, I'm not sure if it's being struck with intense fear that keeps me quiet or because I'm very introverted or both. It makes me feel really down and I can't connect with people because of it and very lonely. I'm talking about being extremely shy like not being able to talk around or to other people ☹
Just can encourage you to be more open.

Be more open doesnt mean to be so talkative as other people is. But at least feel ok chatting with other people.

But of course some people are very judgamental, and its understandable to feel close to them.

But at least feel if you find good people you are gonna be able to talk.

Try practicing. Try finding people you think is nlece and have some talk, but go slow.

Therapy would be the best. Maybe you can try phone healthful calls. Good luck.
 

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