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Existing purely because I feel like I have to and it's so hard 😔

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TheLengths89

New member
Joined
Apr 5, 2017
Messages
4
Hi everyone,

I'm really struggling today. I've been struggling badly for about 6 months now but today is a particularly bad day and I just needed to come somewhere where I could tell someone. I haven't got the energy to write down everything that's going on with me at the moment, maybe I will at a later point, but for now I just need to reach out a bit I guess.

Right now I feel like the only reason I am not ending my life is because I know it will anger and upset some people. Only a select few people, but I can't handle the responsibility of putting that on people who have given so much of their time and energy to me. At the same time I feel like some people would be better off without me. Like my boyfriend for example - he could do a hell of a lot better than me and I don't think he would leave me because he knows I am depressed and won't want to make things worse for me, but he is selling himself short pretty significantly by staying with me. So if I took the burden away he would be able to find someone better without guilt. I guess it's irrelevant really because I know that simply disappearing from this world is not an option because of those select few people I mentioned before. But it's so, so hard to keep going every day when that's the only reason you're sticking around. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else feels / has felt like this and if anyone can suggest anything that makes them feel a bit better or makes this easier? I have recently started taking Sertraline again so am already on medication. Thanks in advance for any advice / support anyone can offer 😊 I really appreciate the kindness of this network.
 
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Jules5

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
1,519
Location
Florida
Hang in there Life will have its ups and downs but you will feel better. I am glad you have a few select people keeping you above ground. Do not be so hard on yourself about your boyfriend.

I am hopefully going to start an out patient mental health program-it will be intense so I am hoping something will change maybe I can make a friend there.

I am not sure if you have any mental health groups where you are but maybe try to find out and go to see if you will like it.

Lots of hugs
 
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TheLengths89

New member
Joined
Apr 5, 2017
Messages
4
Hang in there Life will have its ups and downs but you will feel better. I am glad you have a few select people keeping you above ground. Do not be so hard on yourself about your boyfriend.

I am hopefully going to start an out patient mental health program-it will be intense so I am hoping something will change maybe I can make a friend there.

I am not sure if you have any mental health groups where you are but maybe try to find out and go to see if you will like it.

Lots of hugs
Thank you Jules, I will look into that and see if there is anything 😊
 
Jef Costello

Jef Costello

Well-known member
Joined
May 11, 2019
Messages
53
Location
SE
I feel the same. I just exist. I feel like an extra in my own life, my own arc, empty with blank pages. 19 years, nothing accomplished, nothing to be proud about. Dreams crushed. Only thing growing is my list of illnesses.

Life is a chore. Like washing the dishes. I don't want to do it, but reluctantly, I will. Not a lot of things that can brighten my day or elevate my mood enough not to feel shit, besides drugs, music and films. I am withering away and the clock is ticking, but somehow, I've come to terms with it. I'm just waiting for the day that I turn into a carcass. Then, and maybe just then, I might finally have a moment of peace.
 
D

diper911

New member
Joined
May 18, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Alabama
Your boyfriend is with you because he wants to be with you. I promise.
Not everything you think is true. Thoughts are NOT facts, they’re just thoughts. Something I have to do every day is combat my negative thoughts and respond to them more rationally. It can also help to try to treat yourself like you would a best friend or sister or daughter (or son, brother, whatever the case may be). If your daughter came to you and told you the things you tell yourself, what would you think? What would you say to her? You deserve that same love and kindness you would show her.
I relate to what you’re saying. Hang in there... I believe life can get better for you. Life can be so much more than what it is now! You are worth more! 💗
 
J

Jules5

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
1,519
Location
Florida
I feel the same. I just exist. I feel like an extra in my own life, my own arc, empty with blank pages. 19 years, nothing accomplished, nothing to be proud about. Dreams crushed. Only thing growing is my list of illnesses.

Life is a chore. Like washing the dishes. I don't want to do it, but reluctantly, I will. Not a lot of things that can brighten my day or elevate my mood enough not to feel shit, besides drugs, music and films. I am withering away and the clock is ticking, but somehow, I've come to terms with it. I'm just waiting for the day that I turn into a carcass. Then, and maybe just then, I might finally have a moment of peace.
I feel just exactly like you do Jef. When will we get a breathe of relief I do not want to wait till I die. Something has to give one day not sure what that will be. But I know what you are feeling Lifeless without a cause. They say interaction with others helps but I am so isolated do not know how that will happen. Lets just hang in there and we will get some relief. I promise God Bless Lots of hugs sent your way Jules
 
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