- Apr 13, 2019
- United States
Not sure where to begin...im pretty sure im severly depressed. Ive dissociated for a long time too and had extreme existential thoughts that have basically changed the way i think. Everything i do lacks any substance and any meaning. I cant remember the last time i truely felt connected to something. My friendships are even suffering now because even people lack meaning to me now. I started slowly not texting my friends and dont connect to family or new people and basically i have no interest and nothing interesting to tell them myself either. At home with family, i do what i need to do and then seclude myself in my room whenever possible, my family is also very stressful to be around at times. Theres things my friends try to get me into but i find it impossible to think any of it has a meaning and i just cant connect to anything anymore. I used to love being alive before i began thinking deeply about life. This started happening very lowkey in highschool as its a time of general stress and confusion but i was also making friends with people who were very depressed themselves and that may have rubbed off on me. Ive also been backstabbed by a few people. I already had extreme anxiety due to being afraid of my mind and not understanding negative and scary feelings and have had horrific reactions to medications and edible marijuana. Then when i got my first taste of death (my dad died and soon after two of my dogs passed away all within the same year) i couldnt grasp the concept of death and tried to make sense of it only to result in super deep thoughts about existence and the universe and at one point i dissociated so bad, i thought nothing around me really existed, i felt and still kinda feel like my existence and how i feel will never go back to how i used to be. I couldnt even reccognize my own reflection for a while as i felt like an entity or flaoting energy more than something with a body and being alive. It was like i was in some void. I also had to deal with two major heartbreaks and now i dont even know why we even seek love when theres no inherent meaning to life and reproduction (sorry, thats horribly existential and depressing but its just what goes through my head). I dont understand life or anything ive experianced for the last couple years but this year hit super hard with death and first time existential thoughts. I almost feel like ive woken up to how life really is but im just so confused. I dont understand all the wierd feelings ive felt that are apparently due to anxiety and depression according to previous doctors evaluations. But its feels so much more than just "mental". My whole experiance and perception to everything is so suddenly very different and foreign and nothings made sense for quite a while now.