Existential thoughts have ruined me

DepressedCoconut

DepressedCoconut

New member
Joined
Apr 13, 2019
Messages
3
Location
United States
#1
Not sure where to begin...im pretty sure im severly depressed. Ive dissociated for a long time too and had extreme existential thoughts that have basically changed the way i think. Everything i do lacks any substance and any meaning. I cant remember the last time i truely felt connected to something. My friendships are even suffering now because even people lack meaning to me now. I started slowly not texting my friends and dont connect to family or new people and basically i have no interest and nothing interesting to tell them myself either. At home with family, i do what i need to do and then seclude myself in my room whenever possible, my family is also very stressful to be around at times. Theres things my friends try to get me into but i find it impossible to think any of it has a meaning and i just cant connect to anything anymore. I used to love being alive before i began thinking deeply about life. This started happening very lowkey in highschool as its a time of general stress and confusion but i was also making friends with people who were very depressed themselves and that may have rubbed off on me. Ive also been backstabbed by a few people. I already had extreme anxiety due to being afraid of my mind and not understanding negative and scary feelings and have had horrific reactions to medications and edible marijuana. Then when i got my first taste of death (my dad died and soon after two of my dogs passed away all within the same year) i couldnt grasp the concept of death and tried to make sense of it only to result in super deep thoughts about existence and the universe and at one point i dissociated so bad, i thought nothing around me really existed, i felt and still kinda feel like my existence and how i feel will never go back to how i used to be. I couldnt even reccognize my own reflection for a while as i felt like an entity or flaoting energy more than something with a body and being alive. It was like i was in some void. I also had to deal with two major heartbreaks and now i dont even know why we even seek love when theres no inherent meaning to life and reproduction (sorry, thats horribly existential and depressing but its just what goes through my head). I dont understand life or anything ive experianced for the last couple years but this year hit super hard with death and first time existential thoughts. I almost feel like ive woken up to how life really is but im just so confused. I dont understand all the wierd feelings ive felt that are apparently due to anxiety and depression according to previous doctors evaluations. But its feels so much more than just "mental". My whole experiance and perception to everything is so suddenly very different and foreign and nothings made sense for quite a while now.
 
frogsplash

frogsplash

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 30, 2017
Messages
235
#2
hi, sorry to hear you are having a rough time

it sounds possible that you have some depersonalization and derealization going on, which is commonly found when someone is suffering from depression/anxiety. add on to this the negative thoughts you have been plagued with, along with the existential intrusive thinking, it does sound very likely that the obvious solution to this problem is to get your depression/anxiety properly treated, in which case these problems you are experiencing will ease to either the point of being very mild so not bothersome to you, or perhaps even completely eradicated (especially given enough time for healing to occur)

if you generally have horrible reactions to medications, it would be the case that you could keep trying different ones until you find one which does not give you such a strong bad reaction, and/or, you can see if you have success with lower doses than normal (many people who are sensitive to medications do this)

if you really dont like the idea of taking meds you should seek alternative methods to help you such as therapy and so on. another alternative would be to just ride it out and hope things get better on their own. please be careful though because depression and anxiety can be dangerous if left untreated, because if you get to the point where your suffering outweighs your coping skills, then you can become overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts/rumination

i hope you will take action to get your depression/anxiety treated so you are not struggling so much. if i was in your position i would not let bad initial experiences with medication me off the idea of meds in general. i would try some various different types of meds again until you find something you dont react so strongly to. there will be something out there which works for you, once you find that right med for you and at the right dose

personally i had to go through about 10 different depression meds over the course of around 5 years until i started to find the types which work for me. keep trying because it is a goal to get well again and goals are certainly very important for us in order to keep intrusive/negative thoughts at bay
 

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