Existential crisis... what do I do?

A

Augustine.

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Feb 12, 2019
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London
#1
I have lost my girlfriend , my job, my flat.

I feel worthless in myself.

I have lost my motivation and I feel like I have lost who I am.



I am depressed, scared , confused and lost.



I feel like I need someone to look after me, help me… but I don’t know where to turn or how to do this.



I struggle to firstly be upfront about my depression and secondly for those close to me to understand my plight.



I am self deprecating and bitter about my life choices.



I have been making a concerted effort not to drink or take any drugs which I am on top of, my ex had a problem with cocaine and alcohol regularly abusing both.



I am 35 in a month and I thought I would have figured myself out by now.



I am living between my older brothers family home and my parents place which in itself is a depressing situation to be in.



I have debt I need to get on top of, I want to get back in shape and want the routine and organisation of a job structure.



I have always had bouts of what I have only recently become to realise is chronic depression.

I have never been properly diagnosed and i have never taken any medication for it.



I like to cut myself off from people and wander the streets of London with my own thoughts.



I am a designer and I seem to have a fascination to be the tortured misunderstood artist.



I always want to prove my intelligence and am incredibly insecure about the perception of myself as a person , as a Product designer and as a man.



I have struggled to get to the point I am now at in the sense of finding a career that engages me mentally and fulfils me.



I constantly have doubts about my self as a designer and I think other people can do better in the situation I am in.



I always compare myself to others and am very hard on myself and my achievements.

I crave praise and acceptance as validation for myself and what i have gone through and I day dream of achievement and success.



I have a charismatic and affable persona but equally my dry and sarcastic undertones can upset and polarise opinion.



I don’t know what I am doing, where i should go or what I should do… I feel like I am having an existential crisis.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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#2
Ah life is not something we are in control much that much I do know what ever age you are.

I don’t believe that I know anyone who has their life figured out. so maybe that is a thought that you have that has come through oh I don’t know maybe the media and how we are all supposed to be ‘normal’ and achieve certain things by certain times. All a load of hog wash really.

Maybe it might be time to sit down and do a 5 year plan and also list your strengths and weaknesses. Likes and dislikes. Hobbies and voluntary work that you have done and that might start to build a picture for you.

Its tough being upfront about depression and anyway most folk who don’t have this to contend with don’t understand. And I wouldn’t be inclined to tell all and sundry anyway only and that is only a maybe someone I could trust. But they would have to have some compassion first anyway.

Existential lonliness is a kind of not fitting into the crazyness of what society calls normal. Best to forge your own way through this crazy jungle

If you can manage without meds then do so but obviously….as you know yourself better than anyone.

Start to set small goals and keep active and maybe think about cutting down on junk food …as food and mood….

I have a charismatic and affable persona but equally my dry and sarcastic undertones can upset and polarise opinion.

maybe start to watch this a bit and reign it in. can you do life with cutting back on this a little?
 
Urban Hermit

Urban Hermit

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#3
Maybe just focus on one day at a time and go from there I have problems at the moment looking beyond next week, scariest the s**t out of me x
Sorry that's probably no help at all but I get where your coming from X
 
A

Augustine.

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Feb 12, 2019
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London
#4
Thanks for the replies both.

Yes, I am beginning to see that life is never as easily mapped out as maybe it once appeared.
I am trying to get myself into a routine, I am working with my brother but I need to step it up in order to maximise earnings and get out of my rut.

I mean, I wake up every morning and continue my day ... i'm just very good at disguising my situation so people may not actually realise how bad it actually is for me.

On the existential front I mean I read a lot of literature which may not be ideal from Bukowski to Freud and it does for sure make me cynical.

I just don't want to feel lost ... but I always have.
 
A

Augustine.

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#5
I suppose I am using this initially as a tool to vent as I actually haven't done so before and secondly I will take advice on board from people who have been in my shoes and try and learn from it and also my own errors...

Apologies if I am not familiar with the etiquette of this all.

Thanks for listening and please participate, the more the merrier on this as far as I am concerned.

Thanks.

A.
 
R

Rooftree

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Jan 18, 2019
Messages
10
#6
I too have lost my way. Homeless in 4 weeks. Jobless. An of sleep or leave the house so how I will survive in streets I do not know. 5 months of this and now every turn I a cup de sac.
 
A

Augustine.

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Feb 12, 2019
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#7
Hi Rooftree,

Can you get any benefits or housing allowances?
Job wise, what are your options?
Flat wise, what is your situation?
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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#8
Oh that’s good.. lol reg life is never as easily mapped out…cos until you do realise that then …yep so many people disguise the inner distress. Can you talk to someone a counsellor or a trusted friend.

I wouldn’t be inclined to get too lost down that rabbit hole of existential ….ive got the fridge magnet lol! but I no longer look at it. Yeah its helpful to realise it exists but then leave it and get on with living.

My friend we are all lost its just that most of us don’t know it. We all think we are in control of our lifes , but it just take something really small to change that. All we can do is our best in life and not hurt others whilst we are at it.
 
R_Sxo

R_Sxo

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#9
The good thing is, things cannot get worse. You can and will make it through this. It might cause you tension and stress and pain, but you're too good to be brought down by this situation. Have faith in yourself, pick yourself up and keep living!x

Much love <3
 
F

Fallingfromthetop

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#10
If you recently got of drugs you have a rough road ahead. Focus on managing getting your brain chemistry back as normal as can be first. Withdrawal will have you feel like shit for a pretty long time before it start getting brighter. Just stick with it if you already managed the first bit of the road cause that is the hardest. I would focus on just keeping shit afloat and not fall back to drugs, if you can do that then later you can start thinking about figuring out life. One thing at the time. Don't stress over figuring out shit it will come sooner or later either way. If you are still in withdrawal (brain take many months to get back properly) there really is not much of a point trying to figure shit out anyway cause it will be clouded by your old drug habits. Once more free it will get easier.
 

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