Existence freaks me out

[SilverThread]

I just cant get over how im ACTUALLY really here!? Like it feels like i should not exist. I dont understand how i do. Or how consciousness can come to be. Its scary. I also feel incredibly numb because i feel like life is meaningless and see no point to love or happiness because of it. Has anyone ever felt that love didnt matter??? i feel like a freak for feeling that way. I want to change it but sometimes i just cant see a point to anything, even love or happiness...

 

[schizolanza]

Love matters don't give up.

 

[Mary26]

It sounds like you're not in your heart. I suspect there may be too much pain to really allow yourself to go there but it has a very different quality and makes you feel alive. You may feel things you don't want to feel but you will feel and there's connection in that.

 

[Sprig]

I just cant get over how im ACTUALLY really here!? Like it feels like i should not exist. I dont understand how i do. Or how consciousness can come to be. Its scary. I also feel incredibly numb because i feel like life is meaningless and see no point to love or happiness because of it. Has anyone ever felt that love didnt matter??? i feel like a freak for feeling that way. I want to change it but sometimes i just cant see a point to anything, even love or happiness...

There are philosophical discussions on this, maybe the Existentialists. It’s a kind of pain that I feel too

 

[Lone_wanderer]

Between existence and non-existence lies the you that is not you. Sorry I think I have the stink of Zen about me again.

 

[indigo6]

This is existential thinking. Ive been there and have a tendency to go down this rabbithole. Last time I was heading for the psych ward. Like a mad professor lol. It can drive people that way. I dont think were meant to ask too many questions.
My thinking is opposite as I believe in something and am spiritual. I see it as purposeful, meaningful and incredible. I was looking for whats behind the curtain, is this you?
When you say love what kind of love?
How are you linking it to this thinking?

 

[Mary26]

Between existence and non-existence lies the you that is not you. Sorry I think I have the stink of Zen about me again.

So let me guess--The you that is not you is the ego self (the self that suffers) and the real self is the observer?

 

[PaigeTWoods]

Hi silver thread,

thanks for your post, I’ve been suffering the same symptoms as urself andthey are so agonising. I feel now I’m coming out of it (a year and a half later) but I still feel numb but not terrified.

the numb feeling is uncomfortable as I have very little motivation for life because of it. It’s especially stressful because I am having a baby in a couple of months and feel indifferent about it. I am normally highly sensitive and emotional so feeling nothing for something so special is driving me crazy.

I just hope it will continue getting better. My problem now is whether the numbness is the last symptom of my trauma to remain or if it’s a result of the SSRI I have been taking. It’s very hard to tell. Anyway, I know how ur feeling and it will die down in intensity, and hopefully go away fully!

 

[Nukelavee]

Yeah, I'm a zen nihilist, lol, because it's teh only way to deal with existential angst.

that out of body feeling/numbness could be dissociation.

 

[LORD BURT]

Sometimes I look at my body, and think is this not all fucking weird.

 

[snowleopard]

I struggle with this as well. The existential crisis aspect. Sometimes that love doesn't matter. But I think that part is a condition of abuse.

 

[indigo6]

I struggle with this as well. The existential crisis aspect. Sometimes that love doesn't matter. But I think that part is a condition of abuse.

Hi Snowleopard.
Do you mean that romantic/intimate love doesnt matter due to abuse? and do you mean sexual abuse?

 

[snowleopard]

Hi Snowleopard.
Do you mean that romantic/intimate love doesnt matter due to abuse? and do you mean sexual abuse?

Yes, there are times now where I just don't care if anyone loves me ever again. I also find it exhausting. The only love that truly matters to me is my mother and my cats. One cat moreso over the other unfortunately. So that's more like a family love but yeah I have a boyfriend right now who I've been seeing for over a year and he's really great but I also like, don't care. And that's kind of crappy for our relationship. I haven't been through sexual abuse, all physical and emotional and mental. I got out of an extremely bad domestic violence relationship a few years ago and I have not been the same since.

 

[indigo6]

I understand your view now. Emotionally and physically hurt and so have shut off to notions of love. Im sorry and I know what you feel. I wondered your situation because I too had experienced issues but its a bit different.
Maybe its going to take alot of time to feel safe again ad the bf sounds like he will be around long enough for the day when you can believe again.
I get you about the love of family but personally and especially cats. Me too love cats and they certainly love us. No greater love than my last cat, nothing can compare to him.

 

[snowleopard]

I understand your view now. Emotionally and physically hurt and so have shut off to notions of love. Im sorry and I know what you feel. I wondered your situation because I too had experienced issues but its a bit different.
Maybe its going to take alot of time to feel safe again ad the bf sounds like he will be around long enough for the day when you can believe again.
I get you about the love of family but personally and especially cats. Me too love cats and they certainly love us. No greater love than my last cat, nothing can compare to him.

Yes. What was your experience?
And I am very lucky that my boyfriend is so good to me. He is helpful with my mental health struggles, offers to help me pay for treatment, turns it all into a "we" situation instead of just me. If I am going to love anyone or accept love from anyone, it's definitely him!
But yes oh my gosh, cats are angels. It sounds as though your cat is no longer with you and I am so sorry to hear. (Correct me if I am wrong.) I am dreading the day I may have to deal with the loss of my cat. I consider him a creature of God (I am not religious at all, haha) I consider him a living angel, I would do anything for this little furry being. I feel sometimes that he is the only thing that can fill my void. He is everything to me.