Exhausted by Life.

[twistedplanet]

I'm so tired of life. I have no one to talk to about how I feel so I found this forum to express my self....I'm so angry I can barely type.

My mother is schizophrenic and a shell of the woman she could of been if her own family and my father didn't neglect and abuse her. Instead she suffocates me and criticises me and is constantly talking to herself. It's depressing to watch and it consistently breaks my hearts, it's my own mother ffs.
My father has stage 4 cancer and is most likely going to die in the next year or so, he's a toxic lousy depressed man who only relies on chemotherapy, god forbid he actually changes his mindset or finds love in his heart for something greater than the TV. I know he will die soon.
And I am stuck living with them both.

I have no money to move out, no career, never had a relationship - only a string of casual partners due to my own low self esteem and lack of self worth, my friends don't understand or are so conceited and self absorbed they fail see or hear me in a way that makes me feel safe. I suffer with depression, anxiety and a profound sense of fear. I've been addicted to marijuana for the last 10 years, alcohol for 14 - the culture we live in accepts weed and alcohol as 'cool', 'fun' and as part of life and growing up - promoting it in films etc but that is total and utter toxic bullshit!!

I'm so angry at the world, at myself, at my friends, at my family. I'm so angry with people. People are full of shit, including myself. No body knows what they're doing, instead we're directed to look towards to God/Divine. I've tried so many therapies, read so many books, attended so many courses, it's just one big rollercoaster of emotions and then guess what. -here I am in a forum feeling really fucking let down.

I'm losing faith.

And it's down to ME to conjure up the strength to move forward, pick myself up, learn a new skill, put myself out there in the world, create a persona for myself on social media, FUCK SOCIAL MEDIA AND THE NARCISM OF THE PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET.

I'm tired. Life is all fun and games until you wake up at 30 and realise it's not. It's just your toxic patterns and depression that you've been masking with drugs. And you're broke. Great. Simply fucking great.

 

[Tawny]

and i am so sorry for all of the difficulties in your life. It sounds as though you are reaching the limit of your coping abilities.

You don't have to be anything or create any persona, you can be yourself, rest, find something to do that makes you feel better, that you enjoy.

You sound intelligent, maybe people do understand you, your friends, but don't know what to say as you are dealing with things we all know are huge but what do you say? I wouldn't know, i don't know, i think if i were a friend of yours i would take you out for coffee or go places you could have a laugh, go to the beach and walk down to the sea. It is so peaceful when the tide is out and nobody is around, it makes me feel very alive and content.

Your mum has a cpn i hope, your dad has a nurse and doctor of his own, you don't need to worry too much about them, just call their nurse when they need help perhaps.

Just be, is what i would do. Find something that reminds you who you are and what you enjoy. It is hard with covid but soon there will be more to do again, the weather will be warmer and that helps us all to feel a bit better.

Are you depressed? We can spiral down and down so if you have gone down too far, do you need medication?

This is a great place to talk and get everything off your chest and people are very friendly and warm.

 

[StillDepressed]

You sound intelligent, maybe people do understand you, your friends, but don't know what to say as you are dealing with things we all know are huge but what do you say? I wouldn't know, i don't know, i think if i were a friend of yours i would take you out for coffee or go places you could have a laugh, go to the beach and walk down to the sea. It is so peaceful when the tide is out and nobody is around, it makes me feel very alive and content.

I'm sorry you are going through a lot at the moment and have to be honest I read your post and didn't know what to say. Sometimes it is hard to find the words if we do understand, but also it is hard to fully understand a situation unless you have experienced it.

But I would like to reiterate Tawnys point quoted. Use your friends as an escape, use any time with them for more fun things and try to enjoy any time you may spend with them. You can use this forum to rant and maybe someone will be able to provide something of help or comfort

 

[jajingna]

That's a lot you have going on. I can relate to some of it. My mother had schizophrenia, died in 2016, and father died from cancer nearly 30 years ago.

Welcome to the forum. Maybe it can help to write some things on here.

 

[Jam1990]

I think Tawny is right. It sounds like you’re reaching the edge of your coping abilities. That’s an uncomfortable place to be because it can feel like life will never get better. Just stick in there. I hope you get feeling better soon. Sending positive energy your way!

 

[Alexander Ypsilantis]

I don't blame you for being angry, it sounds like you have a lot to be angry about. Not a good situation. And there is nothing wrong with being angry, we're entitled to that much. I'd be angry as well. On top of it we're all dealing with this lousy pandemic, so normal outlets aren't available. I hope you can find some measure of peace in your life, soon.

 

[candycane]

I am so glad that the Mental Health Forum, has been helpful to you.

 

[candycane]

I don't blame you for being angry, it sounds like you have a lot to be angry about. Not a good situation. And there is nothing wrong with being angry, we're entitled to that much. I'd be angry as well. On top of it we're all dealing with this lousy pandemic, so normal outlets aren't available. I hope you can find some measure of peace in your life, soon.

Thank you for helping.

 

[pixi]

I'm so tired of life. I have no one to talk to about how I feel so I found this forum to express my self....I'm so angry I can barely type.

My mother is schizophrenic and a shell of the woman she could of been if her own family and my father didn't neglect and abuse her. Instead she suffocates me and criticises me and is constantly talking to herself. It's depressing to watch and it consistently breaks my hearts, it's my own mother ffs.
My father has stage 4 cancer and is most likely going to die in the next year or so, he's a toxic lousy depressed man who only relies on chemotherapy, god forbid he actually changes his mindset or finds love in his heart for something greater than the TV. I know he will die soon.
And I am stuck living with them both.

I have no money to move out, no career, never had a relationship - only a string of casual partners due to my own low self esteem and lack of self worth, my friends don't understand or are so conceited and self absorbed they fail see or hear me in a way that makes me feel safe. I suffer with depression, anxiety and a profound sense of fear. I've been addicted to marijuana for the last 10 years, alcohol for 14 - the culture we live in accepts weed and alcohol as 'cool', 'fun' and as part of life and growing up - promoting it in films etc but that is total and utter toxic bullshit!!

I'm so angry at the world, at myself, at my friends, at my family. I'm so angry with people. People are full of shit, including myself. No body knows what they're doing, instead we're directed to look towards to God/Divine. I've tried so many therapies, read so many books, attended so many courses, it's just one big rollercoaster of emotions and then guess what. -here I am in a forum feeling really fucking let down.

I'm losing faith.

And it's down to ME to conjure up the strength to move forward, pick myself up, learn a new skill, put myself out there in the world, create a persona for myself on social media, FUCK SOCIAL MEDIA AND THE NARCISM OF THE PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET.

I'm tired. Life is all fun and games until you wake up at 30 and realise it's not. It's just your toxic patterns and depression that you've been masking with drugs. And you're broke. Great. Simply fucking great.

I hope you realise that at 30, you're very much still a baby (I'm 29). This is not the end of the road for you, you have so many years ahead of you to learn, grow, choose better, do better, and to love yourself.

And okay, fuck social media. I know people our age who don't use it. Why should you? I enjoy following Instagram and Twitter accounts that spread images and messages that make me happy and help me rewire my anxious/depressed thinking, but other than that, why bother? Influencers are awful, the "keeping up with the Jones's" mentality is awful. Don't play the game if you don't want to.

I'm sorry to hear your parents are unwell and unable to support you, and it can be hard for our friends to know what to say.. Sometimes it's unfair to expect them to take on our burdens when they have their own, too.

You're right that it needs to come from within. You have got to accept yourself and your past. Your flaws, your mistakes, your fears, all of it. It's okay. Tell yourself that you're worthy of happiness and that any perceived "bad" does not define you. Your anger is valid, allow yourself to feel it but don't live there.

I really hope you find that glimmer of light inside of you. I promise it's there.