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Ex girlfriend has depression and anxiety

M

Milkwood

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Jan 22, 2018
Messages
5
Hi, feel nervous about posting about this, I have anxiety right now but I want to talk about my ex of 20 months, we connected on such a deep level and we threw ourselves in to the relationship, talked a lot about the future and planning for it.

It’s been a glorious relationship and we lived together, have 2 dogs etc it was bliss.

My ex has this unbelievable drive to be the best in her job, so much so she dedicates her life to it, long hours and puts huge pressure on herself, this means we had little quality time together but I accepted it as it was her dream, she also suffers with nerve damage from a back operation she had which causes sleepless nights and obviously stress from her tiredness.

I spent a lot of time learning about depression and anxiety from YouTube, to books and meeting with MIND, I even did a charity bike ride raising money for MIND.

So last 6 months she hasn’t been herself, either really happy or sad, in front of friends and family, she seemed normal but I saw the real side of her. She felt comfortable to show me this side, I could only comfort her, I couldn’t push her to see someone as that was her decision to make.

She had a new job in London and that added pressure, let alone London was the scene of her last breakdown in 2015, so her anxiety is through the roof but she had to do it so she could further her career.

So we ended up living apart and I spent a lot of time travelling back and forth to London.

Last 6 months she mentioned twice she may not want this relationship, but this was always said in an argument and then followed up with her committing herself to us through gifts or words, messsages etc.

We just spent 10 days abroad in the middle of April and it was absolutely amazing, she chilled out and we had so much fun.

The weekend after we returned she was buzzing like a bottle of pop, all over me, happy, affectionate, saying she loved me, then in the Saturday evening we bickered and the next day she said she doesn’t think we have a future, I was obviously upset as was she, I didn’t understand how this could turn around so quickly? She said she couldn’t feel like she could rely on me financially if she had a baby (I’m self employed and she earns twice as much as me) she also said I don’t have the same drive as her to succeed in my career?! That I take advantage of her (she helped me out with a few emergencies I had financially however she offered this as I was turning to my parents to help)
Lastly she said I didn’t lead the relationship, she needed me to lead it and take us forward.

She said she loves me, that emotionally I give her all the support she could ever ask for and I’m that respect I’m perfect, she said she still fancies me, that I fill her with confidence and that the only reason she got this job is because I drove her and gave her the confidence to go for it.

She went back to London but had a panic attack as she left as she was crying so much, kept telling me she loved me and she was sorry, so upsetting to see.

I have given her space and left her be for about 2 weeks, she has been texting me and I reply and not ignore her. I did send her a letter today though taking every point she made and taking ownership of her fears.

What I want to know is, she seems so conflicted, has anxiety and depression taken over her thoughts and made her see this relationship as negative? When I know it’s not? She knows it’s not but her view is clouded?!

Is this a common thing that depression ends relationships with a set of excuses that don’t really make sense (some of it does) I know that depression can push your loved ones away?

I feel she is slipping deeper and deeper and I am so worried about her, please can someone give me insight

Thanks
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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hello Milkwood she sounds very changeable. some people can be workaholics to hide the pain (unexpressed stuff) maybe. the trouble with anxiety and depression is that it does affect the mood quite a lot.

and working so hard can be a little unhealthy especially when there is anxiety and depression. when in a work enviroment that can do, the anxiety and depression can do what i call cycle rapidly or get stuck. and there is not enough breathing space between each day to recover. imo

the fact that she was so relaxed on holiday would maybe indicate that.
 
M

Milkwood

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2018
Messages
5
hello Milkwood she sounds very changeable. some people can be workaholics to hide the pain (unexpressed stuff) maybe. the trouble with anxiety and depression is that it does affect the mood quite a lot.

and working so hard can be a little unhealthy especially when there is anxiety and depression. when in a work enviroment that can do, the anxiety and depression can do what i call cycle rapidly or get stuck. and there is not enough breathing space between each day to recover. imo

the fact that she was so relaxed on holiday would maybe indicate that.

Thanks for your reply, yes she said to me in a letter 2 months ago that because of her back injury she wasn't invincible anymore and felt like her body was working against her and lost control of it, so the only thing she can control is her career and that's why she throws every bit of energy in being a success, she also has a complex as her siblings are high achievers, Vet's and doctors.

Also she is a psychologist, her intellect regarding mental health is higher and I feel this works against her as she knows whats going on but I think she fears failure, whether its career, relationships or being a psychologist with mental health.

Its so sad to see
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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ah blimely they are the worst! gee if she doesnt start to address her high stress rate it will bite her on the btm - it has with me. to have a career at the cost of your health is not a good option.

the amount of, i suspect, people in the mental health field who have mental health issues themselves is probably the best kept secret imo.
 
M

Milkwood

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2018
Messages
5
ah blimely they are the worst! gee if she doesnt start to address her high stress rate it will bite her on the btm - it has with me. to have a career at the cost of your health is not a good option.

the amount of, i suspect, people in the mental health field who have mental health issues themselves is probably the best kept secret imo.
Yes you maybe right, I’m just hurting as I laid everything out for her and pushing me away has broken me somewhat.

No matter how much research I have done, nothing prepares you for the shock of one day telling me she loves me and is happy the next she is gone....... I’m confused and our holiday and how we were on there has fried my brain
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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really sorry to hear about that. random question but is she running from something from her past? she doesnt sound like she is comfortable in her own skin in that she fluctuates.

can this relationship continue if she is doing this?
 
M

Milkwood

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Joined
Jan 22, 2018
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5
I won’t give up on her that’s not going to happen, I want to work with her to make her better.

Yes her brother had an accident which meant he had to spend 2 years in a hospital with her parents on the other side of the country, so she lost her parents for 2 years and she has resentment, she was 10 years old at the time.

She also has back issues, slipped discs and the operation to repair wasn’t a complete success and she now has nerve damage from it which means she has horrific pain in her foot daily and has to take meds for.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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ah as noble as that sounds nobody can make someone happy. we are all responsible for our own happiness oh sure its nice to enjoy each others company.

ah the childhood thing that sounds like it has gotten right into her marrow. this can change but it will take your girlfriend time to do this. and maybe having counselling yeah i know...but the bottom line is that if she keeps holding on to bitterness and anger then she will never be happy. which is why i say you cant make or be responsible for other people's happiness.

all this happened long before you knew her...
 
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