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Ex BPD PARTNER - help and advice please?

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Catherine2018

Member
Joined
Dec 16, 2018
Messages
5
Spent a confusing, bewildering, traumatic, emotionally damaging 18mths with undiagnosed high functioning BPD male partner. both his teenage daughters have depression and his he/his mother have a troubled Mother Complex type relationship - his dad abandoned them at birth - where she is domineering and he was never allowed to mature into his own man. I always suspected he had alcohol dependency issues which he hid from me and since finding out he was cheating (sexting and had meet up with same woman for entire duration of our relationship) and ended the relationship - his drinking appears to have gotten much worse and he appears out of control. He has a regular job and generally a good, well though of, decent man who isn’t violent or abusive. He does however have all the classic traits of BPD - and denies, defends or deflects all responsibility for his actions. He has shown regret (feeling bad for himself) - but never remorse (feeling truly sorry for damage caused) at any time throughout our relationship - although has never been overly cruel.
He owes me a lot of money (for a property deal we were partnering on and cash is in his account) and I have been left penniless and my life in ruins - due to him immediately pulling out of everything we had agreed to do professionally as soon as I found out about his cheating and ended the relationship - in spite of me automatically assuming we would be civil about the financial re the business and financial commitments we had to each other. It didn’t even cross my mind he would want to harm me financially on top of the deceit and betrayal. But he did. I wanted to leave things on civil terms and wish each other well but he has only sent a few k when drunk - and the rest he is just avoiding, or making excuses, or changing his mind on whether he even owes me it. Which he does ! Unfortunately not enforceable in court as it was all verbally agreed. I haven’t tried to damage him reputationally by telling of his cheating etc - hoped he would show me some decency and respect in return. But no. Has anyone had any experience of splitting up with a BPD sufferer - I know each single individual is different and no point in generalising - but am at a loss. I’m about to lose my home and car as he has destroyed my livelihood. I was using my 50% of the last project to fund next one - so have no income now. But he has the 35k I made him, a full time job and a huge bonus coming in Jan. Any advice from BPD sufferers as to how to make him understand he has already destroyed me emotionally - I
Did nothing to him - surely I don’t deserve this on top? Thanks in advance !!! Xx
 
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Catherine2018

Member
Joined
Dec 16, 2018
Messages
5
I should add that throughout the relationship, I’m spite of being let down and hurt and disappointed constantly I was caring, loyal, supportive and loving to him and his family. I am from a very close loving family and have strong self esteem/mental health so always felt I wanted to help and support them all. Even when I found out about the cheating - I ended the relationship with maturity and decency and made sure the girls knew I would still always be there for them if they needed me etc. I assumed we would split our joint business responsibilities with a mature and honest approach and wish each other well. Instead he seems to be happy to watch my life be destroyed which I don’t understand?
 
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Pairou

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 3, 2018
Messages
116
Location
United States
Can you sue him in small claims court? (I'm from the US.) He's made payments so that's in your favor as far as suing him goes.

Sorry, your post was a bit hard to read so I hope I'm understanding it correctly.

Cut him out of your life.
 
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Catherine2018

Member
Joined
Dec 16, 2018
Messages
5
Can you sue him in small claims court? (I'm from the US.) He's made payments so that's in your favor as far as suing him goes.

Sorry, your post was a bit hard to read so I hope I'm understanding it correctly.

Cut him out of your life.
 
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Catherine2018

Member
Joined
Dec 16, 2018
Messages
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Hi
Thank you for your reply - sorry my post was hard to understand ! :(
No what he owes me was from verbally agreed joint business projects.
I (stupidly) hadn’t protected myself financially and made him sign contracts prior to allowing the proceeds and profit to go into his account :(
Reason being that
1. I renovate, design and flip property and as my work
2. We agreed (verbally) that even if we couldn’t make things work romantically, we would always be friends - so when I fixed up staged and managed the sale of his old rental flat - and it made £35k clear profit - the solicitor by law had to pay the cash into his account ....but I wasn’t concerned as he had always seemed to be honest and decent as far as financial and practical matters were concerned
3. We agreed to split 50% of the profit and i was putting my share into the next property.
4. Once I discovered the hundreds of cheating texts I (calmly) exolained our romantic relationship was obviously now over but I didn’t want to fight or argue - just wanted to tie everything up fairly financially so we could both move on.
5. He denied the deceit (saying it was just a few ‘drunken messages’ which ‘all guys do’ and managed to convince his daughters and friends I had totally ‘over reacted’ - and told me I ‘deserved it’ as I hadn’t slept with him enough (He had let me down and hurt me so many times during the 18mths it had understandably affected my respect, love and attraction to him and each time he acted out or insulted my family/gotten drunk etc it had taken time to try to rebuild my trust in the relationship again)
6. When the cheating was exposed I didn’t go crazy or argue / it was a no brainier for me as I am blessed with extremeky strong self respect/esteem and a great family/mental health ...so I wasn’t torn in the slightest. Just calmly informed him this was the final straw, explained I wished him no harm, had no intention of trying to damage his reputation (he is widely well though of due to keeping his drinking hidden and defecting his marriage break up solely on his ex etc) and reassured his daughters I would always be there for them if they needed me
7. At first he was keen to meet and talk (as though nothing had happened) - he seemed to totally assume I would want to actively involve him in what I was using my share for. Presumably he was going to use this as an opportunity to stay in my life.
8. He has veered from promising to send it, to saying I’m owed nothing as have no legal contract to sue him with, to sending excuses, delaying tactics, to nasty messages about my character and being deluded about what I am owed.
9. Some colleagues have suggested should ‘play the game’ (I assume to pretend there may be a chance he could get me back - just to get what I’m due financially - then walk away) - but I wasn’t brought up that way. Have never lied or misrepresented myself to gain advantage over anyone or anything in my life.
10. I see where they are coming from - because every time I even remotely agreed to talk to him - after being hurt/let down by the BPD traits.... he would rush to my door with flowers and a big grin - almost like an excited puppy. Declare undying love again and shower me with more false promises.
11. I am torn between doing what it takes to get my money (in total I’ve lost over 30k as I lost the next development too) meaning I’m about to lose my car and own home ..... and doing what my pride and self respect is screaming at me to do - write him off, write off any hope of getting what I’m due and moving the hell on with my life in the hope karma will take care of him.
12. He doesn’t deserve to have me contact him, he doesn’t deserve to have even the remotest shred of control over my future, happiness any more!!! I have no feelings left whatsoever so emotionallynim detached. But practically I’m ruined!!!
13. But knowing he has historically cry and beg forgiveness (shows regret BUT not true genuine remorse - as is usual with BPD) and in general IS capable of kinness, honesty and decency... part of me is still hoping he will do what is right and decent.
😩😩Just an utter nightmare to have been left like this when all I did was show loyalty and kindness to him every day for 18mths
ANY advice appreciated !! Xx
 
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Pairou

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Dec 3, 2018
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116
Location
United States
That's awful!! You should sue! He sounds like a real POS.
 
Flameheart

Flameheart

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This is crazy, not that surprising from someone who has BPD, but still on the extreme end of things. As he's not getting any treatment it's unlikely he will make any rational decisions or keep any promises in the long run. It's common for someone with BPD to do something, beg for forgiveness, but then do it over and over again because they know that's what will get to you, it's a vicious cycle both for the BPD sufferer and you

I don't know what advice to give, but I'm not sure you are going to have much luck probing him for money with the way he is and there's no doubt you shouldn't trust him
 
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Catherine2018

Member
Joined
Dec 16, 2018
Messages
5
Can’t sue Pairou (verbal agreement not contractural)
But absolutely right on him being a POS. That’s an understatement. He’s destroyed everything in my life - for no reason. Thanks BPDevil. Agreed that he is obviously not to be trusted! Far from it ! He did send a couple of k when drunk and veers from being sorry - to being rude and belligerent.
What’s your knowledge of BP? Is it worth trying to reason with him dyu reckon? What would you do?
Thanks for taking the time ! 😢
 
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Pairou

Well-known member
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Dec 3, 2018
Messages
116
Location
United States
I mean, you can try reasoning with him, but he sounds like an awful person. BPD or BD (I have both) are no excuse for being a terrible human being.

At some point you must cut your losses, but what that point is, I couldn't tell you.

If he's made efforts to repay you when drunk and he's sent you texts or emails saying he's sorry, you can try your hand in small claims court. (I don't know where you live but in the US I've heard of that being enough proof.) I doubt you'll get much from him either way.
 
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