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Everything's pointless

V

Vetinari

New member
Joined
Dec 13, 2019
Messages
1
Location
uk
I hope writing this helps, but I don't know how to start this or whatever.

It's like i am some sort of lightning rod to bad things I can do nothing about. I don't want to be that person that says everything bad happens to them, it doesn't it's just a lot of it, but it sure feels like it.

Since its my firs post I should probably go through the stuff that i cant stop thinking about...

Like i was sexually abused from the ages of 4 to around 8 and nobody really wanted to believe me. I was s scared by how anger everybody had at me for coming forward that i recanted on what i had said. So i had to live with him for 2 years after he stopped.
My mother hated her family and my fathers, and since I was the one people "liked" I was used in their petty games and basically used as leverage against each other. But instead of hating the ones that were messing with each other they all just hated me instead.
At this time My mother decided that she had enough of where we lived and her family that she had to run off to England, we were from the USA, to marry some guy that she met on the internet. This was back in 98 so it was a lot weirder than it would feel now. But she had decided that I was some of the baggage that needed to be left behind. So one day i was with my mother and the next with my dad. She didn't even tell me she was moving until i came back from school one day and all my stuff was packed and so was she. My dad had been in prison for bouncing checks for most of my life so I didnt really know him.
When I was with him he had pent up anger problems, much as I do, and there were many beatings. His girlfriend had demanded that her son was more important and i was relegated to Cleaning duties and staying out of sight. It took my mother 6 months to contact me after she moved over because quote "It hadn't entered her mind".
But three years later she had started to feel guilty and had me go over to visit her. But whilst I was there she had kidnapped me. I didn't want to stay but she had decided that she had to make me stay by telling my father all sort of things that would make him angry and I became afraid and had to stay. So She wouldn't take me to the airport, I had a return ticket. But after that dad didn't even try and get me back. So I had to stay.
She had another kid and when I was 16 and left school as i was now int he UK she kicked me out because she didn't believe that I was going to college or had a job.... and oh yeah her new kid was much more important. I didn't know jack about the place really and after living in child hostels i was kicked out at 18 because they didn't have to legally house me anymore. During this time because i couldn't handle my situation anymore I had stopped going to collage couldn't hold a job and at 18 was out on the streets for 5-6 years.
During this time my child citizen status had run out, didn't find that out until a couple months ago, My mother hadn't bothered to make me a citizen when she was my guardian and didn't think I should know so never told me I would have to do it myself.
Now I am surrounded by a bunch of people that think I am there to do things for them and that I don't matter. My problems are mine and no one wants to hear about how I feel, it's always about theirs. I can't even get away from them. I don't have the money to get away.
I mean there is a ton of other stuff, can't sleep, I am afraid to go out sometimes as the people where Ilive are barbarians that do nothing but fight and stab each other all the time, I cant get a job, it's all pointless. None of it matters. I am 33 and no where near half the UK male life expectancy.... so the end unless i am lucky is very far way. I am too afraid of hurting myself during suicide.. plus it never works anyways, cant even do that...Never mind whats the point
 
L

Lex

Active member
Joined
Dec 7, 2019
Messages
37
Location
Uk
I hope writing this helps, but I don't know how to start this or whatever.

It's like i am some sort of lightning rod to bad things I can do nothing about. I don't want to be that person that says everything bad happens to them, it doesn't it's just a lot of it, but it sure feels like it.

Since its my firs post I should probably go through the stuff that i cant stop thinking about...

Like i was sexually abused from the ages of 4 to around 8 and nobody really wanted to believe me. I was s scared by how anger everybody had at me for coming forward that i recanted on what i had said. So i had to live with him for 2 years after he stopped.
My mother hated her family and my fathers, and since I was the one people "liked" I was used in their petty games and basically used as leverage against each other. But instead of hating the ones that were messing with each other they all just hated me instead.
At this time My mother decided that she had enough of where we lived and her family that she had to run off to England, we were from the USA, to marry some guy that she met on the internet. This was back in 98 so it was a lot weirder than it would feel now. But she had decided that I was some of the baggage that needed to be left behind. So one day i was with my mother and the next with my dad. She didn't even tell me she was moving until i came back from school one day and all my stuff was packed and so was she. My dad had been in prison for bouncing checks for most of my life so I didnt really know him.
When I was with him he had pent up anger problems, much as I do, and there were many beatings. His girlfriend had demanded that her son was more important and i was relegated to Cleaning duties and staying out of sight. It took my mother 6 months to contact me after she moved over because quote "It hadn't entered her mind".
But three years later she had started to feel guilty and had me go over to visit her. But whilst I was there she had kidnapped me. I didn't want to stay but she had decided that she had to make me stay by telling my father all sort of things that would make him angry and I became afraid and had to stay. So She wouldn't take me to the airport, I had a return ticket. But after that dad didn't even try and get me back. So I had to stay.
She had another kid and when I was 16 and left school as i was now int he UK she kicked me out because she didn't believe that I was going to college or had a job.... and oh yeah her new kid was much more important. I didn't know jack about the place really and after living in child hostels i was kicked out at 18 because they didn't have to legally house me anymore. During this time because i couldn't handle my situation anymore I had stopped going to collage couldn't hold a job and at 18 was out on the streets for 5-6 years.
During this time my child citizen status had run out, didn't find that out until a couple months ago, My mother hadn't bothered to make me a citizen when she was my guardian and didn't think I should know so never told me I would have to do it myself.
Now I am surrounded by a bunch of people that think I am there to do things for them and that I don't matter. My problems are mine and no one wants to hear about how I feel, it's always about theirs. I can't even get away from them. I don't have the money to get away.
I mean there is a ton of other stuff, can't sleep, I am afraid to go out sometimes as the people where Ilive are barbarians that do nothing but fight and stab each other all the time, I cant get a job, it's all pointless. None of it matters. I am 33 and no where near half the UK male life expectancy.... so the end unless i am lucky is very far way. I am too afraid of hurting myself during suicide.. plus it never works anyways, cant even do that...Never mind whats the point
Hi,
That was a difficult thing to read so I imagine how much more difficult it can be to share.
I think someone with more experience will be in a better position to help out.
Please don’t hurt yourself, who knows what’s round the corner?
You must be very strong and resilient, you’ve been through an awful lot and been badly let down but you’re here and that’s a massive step on the road to recovery :)
I’m sorry I’m not much good at providing answers or suggestions. Just know that you’ve been heard.
Best Regards
🤗 :hug5:
 
L

Livebythesea

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 29, 2019
Messages
132
Location
East Coast
I am so, so, so sorry for all that you have endured and been through. I agree with Lex and the post above, and you must be so very strong and resilient to have been through so much. I wish I could help somehow but I am in the US and am not sure of the resources available to possibly help you there. So you are a US citizen? Please continue to share here...there are so many kind and wonderful folks on this forum. Sending you many hugs from the USA for all that you have been through and it's good that you reached out here. Know that you are not alone.
 
J

Jabbaj

Member
Joined
Dec 5, 2019
Messages
12
Location
UK
I hope writing this helps, but I don't know how to start this or whatever.

It's like i am some sort of lightning rod to bad things I can do nothing about. I don't want to be that person that says everything bad happens to them, it doesn't it's just a lot of it, but it sure feels like it.

Since its my firs post I should probably go through the stuff that i cant stop thinking about...

Like i was sexually abused from the ages of 4 to around 8 and nobody really wanted to believe me. I was s scared by how anger everybody had at me for coming forward that i recanted on what i had said. So i had to live with him for 2 years after he stopped.
My mother hated her family and my fathers, and since I was the one people "liked" I was used in their petty games and basically used as leverage against each other. But instead of hating the ones that were messing with each other they all just hated me instead.
At this time My mother decided that she had enough of where we lived and her family that she had to run off to England, we were from the USA, to marry some guy that she met on the internet. This was back in 98 so it was a lot weirder than it would feel now. But she had decided that I was some of the baggage that needed to be left behind. So one day i was with my mother and the next with my dad. She didn't even tell me she was moving until i came back from school one day and all my stuff was packed and so was she. My dad had been in prison for bouncing checks for most of my life so I didnt really know him.
When I was with him he had pent up anger problems, much as I do, and there were many beatings. His girlfriend had demanded that her son was more important and i was relegated to Cleaning duties and staying out of sight. It took my mother 6 months to contact me after she moved over because quote "It hadn't entered her mind".
But three years later she had started to feel guilty and had me go over to visit her. But whilst I was there she had kidnapped me. I didn't want to stay but she had decided that she had to make me stay by telling my father all sort of things that would make him angry and I became afraid and had to stay. So She wouldn't take me to the airport, I had a return ticket. But after that dad didn't even try and get me back. So I had to stay.
She had another kid and when I was 16 and left school as i was now int he UK she kicked me out because she didn't believe that I was going to college or had a job.... and oh yeah her new kid was much more important. I didn't know jack about the place really and after living in child hostels i was kicked out at 18 because they didn't have to legally house me anymore. During this time because i couldn't handle my situation anymore I had stopped going to collage couldn't hold a job and at 18 was out on the streets for 5-6 years.
During this time my child citizen status had run out, didn't find that out until a couple months ago, My mother hadn't bothered to make me a citizen when she was my guardian and didn't think I should know so never told me I would have to do it myself.
Now I am surrounded by a bunch of people that think I am there to do things for them and that I don't matter. My problems are mine and no one wants to hear about how I feel, it's always about theirs. I can't even get away from them. I don't have the money to get away.
I mean there is a ton of other stuff, can't sleep, I am afraid to go out sometimes as the people where Ilive are barbarians that do nothing but fight and stab each other all the time, I cant get a job, it's all pointless. None of it matters. I am 33 and no where near half the UK male life expectancy.... so the end unless i am lucky is very far way. I am too afraid of hurting myself during suicide.. plus it never works anyways, cant even do that...Never mind whats the point
The UK had to appoint a minister for loneliness as it’s an epidemic over here. I’m a 20 year old man and honestly it’s the same for a lot of men now.
 
J

Jezabella

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 14, 2019
Messages
160
Location
Newcastle-Upon-Tyne
I get loneliness- it’s the worst feeling in the world! After an abusive relationship I would spend all of my free time completely alone because I genuinely did not know HOW to make friends, I’ve always been introverted and was also abused as a child which probably contributed. When my abuse relationship ended and I had to build my own life I HATED it- i was in debt and I would go out get drunk sleep with men just for the sake of it and I really didn’t like who I became. It’s so hard being lonely and it makes depression so much more difficult
 

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