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Everything is just spirialling at the moment

A

Arielxo

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Joined
Jan 8, 2015
Messages
28
I'm going to apologise first and foremost if a lot of this doesnt make sense, I really struggle with explaining how I feel, and I just feel I need to just well, rant.

I wish other people were truly able to understand how I feel, how my thought process works and that i genuinely don't mean to do the things I do. Every day I will find a new guy to speak to, somebody to fulfil my current need for attention, although at times I will speak/see people for longer periods of time, these people tend to be men (by the way I'm speaking about romantic relationships at present) that I am able to feel sense of control with, anytime I am in a situation where I feel in "control" (I don't mean in control of myself, I mean in control of them). I am able to cope, I can continually spend time with them, be the person that I genuinely want to be, at times however I do mirror people's behaviours, find out what they like and use this to gain advantage but I do however feel "happy" throughout this honeymoon process. As soon as that sense of control (abondenment) feels as if it's slipping away. I begin to go crazy, it's as if my entire world comes crashing down, which then effects every aspect of my life, I become more "depressed" (sucidial thoughts/self harm). I am no longer able to work, see friends, do anything. Other than just feel as if I'm living in a daze. The part here that confuses me, when something upsets me, I will play this out in my head a thousand times, I want to know what he is doing all the time even when we are no longer speaking. This may last a week maybe 2? But the general "depressed" state of mind after these acts takes months to fix. Then I feel back to my "happy" (or more spontaneous and impulsive) sense of self comes back, and I do the entire cycle again. Each time is always because of a romantic relationship. Which most of the time I have ended myself (so really I have no right to be upset, right)? Or because this person has got a sense of my psychotic self and has left. I am under the impression that histrionic personality disorder has been removed from the DSM. However so many of those traits fit in with my BPD alongside. I believe all relationships are so much stronger and more important than they actually are. As if, because I feel this heightened sense of emotion, that the other person should owe me something for me feeling this way (narcistic right)? And the moment they don't fulfil that need to "owe me" something. I hate them, then my anger subsides and I want their attention back, even when I'm not that interested in them. I just want them to like ME. I couldn't care less, how they feel as long as they fulfil my needs. Other parts of histrionic is the continual need to have my thoughts reconfirmed. Depending on the person I'll do this in serveral different ways, I will manipulate a certain conversation so that I will get the answer I want. (I believe I do this as Ive always been prone to lie and be criticised by family members and critism is just something that I just cannot cope with) or I will say something like "that sex was absolutely amazing". What I really mean is I want them to tell me the same. i sometimes don't even mean what I'm saying to the other person, all i want is to hear them say the same thing back to me. Which ironically makes no sense, because even though it's great to hear, if you've just lied to them to have your needs met, they may not even mean what they just said to you. Thus, trust issues. Another part of the histrionic is being able to lure men in sexually, and my goodness if there is anything I am profoundly good at, it's that. I could have a man eating out the palm of my hand but should they make any hint first that they would like sex with me. I will absolutely fly of the handle, unless i mention it, for instance i would say something along the lines of "im not a slut" "I'm not here for your pleasure". "You're a pervert" "I wouldn't go near you if my life depended on it. Oh and I forgot to mention, ive just sent them a topless photo of me on snapchat. I think that's a sense of not being in control, and because they are reconfirming what I think of myself. A slut. That's rather difficult for me to explain so I'm sorry if that part doesn't make sense but even if the person (although I've sent that photo on snapchat to 200 other people) if I was just speaking that person maybe more emotionally, I would have no problem talking about sex and it's usually me that brings it up. Just heaven forbid they don't bring it up first.

I think I should stop there, just needed to maybe see if anyone else deals with things similarly and just rant. So I'm sorry to long. xo
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,529
Location
The West Country
Hey, I can totally understand feeling misunderstood.
I think with BPD (and other mental health issues) our experiences are so intense and have so many layers to them, it can be hard to articulate everything that's going on in a way that's easily understood.

I completely understand the cycle you describe though.

For me, my role tends to be the one that gets controlled and gets rejected.
However there's a very similar sense of elation at meeting someone then ultimately being crushed and totally depressed when the rejection comes.

I mean I know to an extent everybody is happy when they meet someone they like and everybody gets their heart broken, but for me I know the intensity of these emotions aren't healthy.

To be honest, at the moment, i'm in a place where i've accepted that any kind of romantic relationship is something i'm simply unable to do without it hugely affecting my well-being.
And so i'm taking some time for me to really seek out some healing through counselling/self-help books/doing things that make me happy etc.

I just know that until the pain inside of me that is so raw and feels so dependent on finding love needs to be sorted out before even consider getting close to someone again.
 

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