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Everything is going well, yet I have never been so unhappy.

P

PauseCheck

New member
Joined
Dec 9, 2019
Messages
4
Location
USA
It's strange to be at a place in life where many things are going measurably well, and yet I feel so close to the edge.
I'm in line for a pretty good promotion with a nice pay bump, my relationship is moving along nicely; I completed an advanced degree in my country, and it just doesn't feel as if any of it is enough.

I've struggled with anxiety and depression for many years--a laundry list of such things--and I've pushed to get myself to a place in which I appear to be a well-functioning person. But it all feels like a performance.

If we are placing things on a scale of 1-10, I feel like my normal baseline is only ever a 5 or 6, and the highest peak might be a 7. There seems to be a very narrow range of "good" that I feel. I am living life covered in cellophane.

I had visited a therapist some time ago, but it was a complicated experience. Younger at the time, I found the therapist I visited to be condescending, and it became apparent that she was just leading me through one-size-fits-all exercises. Some helped, I'll admit, but others just felt more insulting than anything. She discontinued appointments when she said I was doing well.

I'm just not sure where to go from here. The last several years have been lived on auto-pilot, and, as the years progress and things look better, I only feel worse.

I would like to be clear that I am not considering taking my life. I'm simply depressed.
 
qwynie Rose

qwynie Rose

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 3, 2019
Messages
220
Location
Scotland
Hi there.

The thing with depression is it's a beast. It doesn't care who you are or what your social status is, how well you're life appears to be etc.

You say it's some time ago since you visited a therapist but maybe you weren't a good fit for each other. Maybe it would be a good idea to seek out a different one now.

Maybe I'm wrong but living on auto-pilot sucks.

Peace and Love to You.
 
P

PauseCheck

New member
Joined
Dec 9, 2019
Messages
4
Location
USA
Hi there.

The thing with depression is it's a beast. It doesn't care who you are or what your social status is, how well you're life appears to be etc.

You say it's some time ago since you visited a therapist but maybe you weren't a good fit for each other. Maybe it would be a good idea to seek out a different one now.

Maybe I'm wrong but living on auto-pilot sucks.

Peace and Love to You.

I absolutely agree. Remission is the best word I can use because I feel that mental illness is something we can't cure but only treat, and illnesses or disorders with remission can recur at any time.

I have thought about trying to find a different therapist, but I have complicated feelings about it. I find it difficult to speak these thoughts out loud, and I'm unsure that I'm ready to do that. It would also be apparent to my partner and to my immediate family, and I know they would see it as me waving some sort of flag. I'm just not ready yet. I appreciate your encouragement.
 
J

Jezabella

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 14, 2019
Messages
160
Location
Newcastle-Upon-Tyne
I get what you mean about auto pilot, I feel a bit like I’ve always been acting on auto pilot and then after a suicide attempt to keep hearing how well I’ve been doing when inside I’m thinking ‘absolutely fuck all this it’s a big fake’ what because I get up and sit with a smile on my face spending 8 hours counting down until I can get home and hide for a few hours...... I hate depression! I’ve always been a little anxious and quite an introverted person but I hid it well and managed over the past few years depression has utterly kicked my arse!
 
J

Jezabella

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 14, 2019
Messages
160
Location
Newcastle-Upon-Tyne
I get what you mean about auto pilot, I feel a bit like I’ve always been acting on auto pilot and then after a suicide attempt to keep hearing how well I’ve been doing when inside I’m thinking ‘absolutely fuck all this it’s a big fake’ what because I get up and sit with a smile on my face spending 8 hours counting down until I can get home and hide for a few hours...... I hate depression! I’ve always been a little anxious and quite an introverted person but I hid it well and managed over the past few years depression has utterly kicked my arse! Your family should surely understand if your seeking help that your doing what you need to?
 
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