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Everything in my life right now is abusive, and I need to make changes.

F

Fancyharm

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
533
Location
West Midlands
Everything in my life right now is abusive, and I need to make changes.

I am in a bad situation at the moment.

I have been in a relationship of 10 years plus which I believe to be controlling. This person was my boss and started a relationship with me. I had to leave my job because of him, the last straw was when he told me I was earning too many fucking brownie points at work.

I went back to college but that didn't work out and now I am out of work (but looking for a job). I am finding it hard to get a job because I haven't worked for a while and he basically does not want me to get a job because he prefers me at home where he can control me.

The relationship has no affection or sex and hasn't had for years. In the beginning I told him he was too rough with me and his reply when I told him was "why should you have it your way, you fucking bitch", since then he hasn't bothered to be intimate with me.

To make things worse, some encouraging comments were made to me by someone else at work and because I was so down, this developed into a friendship via text messages and recently this person has phoned me and sent me pictures.

I have been feeling so guilty about the text friendship, even though my partner has been so abusive.


I just feel like what is the point in bothering with anything, everything goes wrong and I must be a really bad person to be getting all of this bad stuff.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
9,870
Location
England
Hi,
Please leave this man, he has no right controlling you or hurting you.
The forum is here for you.
You will find the right job, I'm sorry you've had to go thru this.
Women's Aid will help you.
Contact us - Womens Aid
I'm here to listen and care.
Take care
 
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F

Fancyharm

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
533
Location
West Midlands
Thanks mayflower.

I know it is a rubbish situation to be in. I appreciate your offer of help.

I have to get a job first or I will lose my house.

I need to get to a position where I am feeling stronger and getting a job is going to help me.

I am so relieved that I finally have the strength to return to work.

This forum has helped me so much, I am very grateful.
 
K

KaleidoscopePictures

New member
Joined
Sep 13, 2018
Messages
2
Hugs to you

I am so sorry things are so rough for you right now, and I want you to know that you do not have to stay in an abusive relationship. I think you should check out the Women's Aid that the previous poster directed you to. I also encourage you to find your nearest domestic violence shelter. They have trained advocates who can walk you through resources available to you in your area so that you do not have to stay with an abuser for fear of not being able to make it on your own. Domestic Violence Shelters partner with local agencies to assist victims who need to get out of abusive situations. Our shelter partners with Catholic Charities which funds housing for victims. They pay the rent, and our shelter gets tons of donations so that they can set you up with furniture and clothes, etc. whatever is needed to make it on your own so that you do not have to live with him. The advocate can help you find work as well.

I mean you no disrespect at all. I can absolutely understand how when you are getting no positive affirmation and appreciation on the home front how good it can feel when someone is affirming you and seems to care about you. However, it does concern me to read that. I have interned at my local domestic violence shelter, and my best friend is a court and victim advocate. I have been volunteering for the shelter for the past seven years, and both of us have seen woman after woman after woman get drawn in to other men when their partners have been abusive, and it rarely ends well. More often than not, in all honesty, the next guy usually ends up being abusive just like the guys the women are trying to break free of. A large part of the problem that we see so often is that wmen are unconsciously drawn to the very same type of man again and again. What we have found works best is if the woman gets in counseling, gets on her own two feet, instead of looking to another man. I don't want to disrespect your or hurt your feelings, but in the last seven years and for my best friend in the last nine years we have both seen the same pattern happen over and over again. I'm sure you never thought your current man was abusive when he was your boss. I'm sure you thought he was the greatest guy, who cared about you and really listened to you or you wouldn't have gotten with him. The time to get with someone is when you are in a place where you are confident enough on your own that if you never had another relationship you would be fine. It is the time when you have something to really offer that other person, because you are independent and self-sufficient and you feel good about yourself and you know what you have to give that other person that is of such value and worth. Focus on getting yourself in a good place emotionally, financially, mentally, physically before getting drawn into another relationship. There's a book I really encourage you to read "How to Depolarize Your Jerk Magnet" by Christina Dalpiaz. In it she makes an incredibly valuable statement. She says that you attract to you what you think of yourself. If you think of yourself as about a 3 on a scale of 1-10, that is exactly who you will attract. You need to work on you so that you see yourself as a 10, carry yourself as a 10, and will not accept anyone who is less than an 8-10. Honey, you're not there right now. It's time to first get your life in order, then get yourself in order. There are resources so you do not have to be trapped with your abusive ex-boss. Hugs to you, girl. You can do this, one step at a time!
 
L

lowinmood

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 3, 2015
Messages
123
I would try stop texting this other guy - however I totally get why it's a comfort to you at the moment and can't blame you for this especially when your current partner is being abusive to you, I think he deserves this.

However, when you leave the relationship, if you get too involved with the guy you are texting, you might blame what happened in the current relationship on yourself as your guilt of cheating will catch up on you.

I think, although it's normal to want to take back some control, and perhaps we will seek revenge by having affairs, it's better in the long run, to stay the innocent party in all of it, just so that we are not left with feelings of guilt after it ends.
 
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