Everything Hurts

[Mintea]

*Tw; Suicidal thoughts, self harm* Everything hurts. So badly.

During the day, my anxiety is overwhelming. I get paranoid that my parents are talking about me behind my back, and it makes me shake and my heart race. I get some form of anxiety attack sometimes 2-3 times almost every day. I worry about everything - I go through cycles of reassuring myself, then worry continues, then reassuring and distracting myself, over and over until the worry somewhat dissipates. Even then, it’s not enough.

At night, when I no longer have to wear the mask of seeming “fine”, I feel the depressive thoughts come back. They’re more intense at night. They’re filled with thoughts of worthlessness and death. I can’t take the anxiety anymore. I’ve had anxiety since I could remember. I have bad memories that flood back, more often as of late. I’ve also had thoughts of hurting myself again, even though I’ve had a good clean streak.

Due to not wanting to worry my parents, or rather, keep up the appearance of being functional and independent, I stopped seeing my therapist. My parents dislike my psychiatrist so I’ve stopped seeing them. I am tapering off all meds. I torture myself with thoughts of getting help again, knowing I won’t get it nor deserve it.

I’m just really tired.

 

[bpd2020]

Hello Mintea. I am sorry to hear you are struggling with things. I am sad to hear you stopped seeing your therapist and psychiatrist. It is not up to your parents to like them. If you feel they understand you then I would continue to see them as they are the best people to treat your anxiety. Please do not taper of your meds. You need to speak to your doctor about it. It could explain why you are feeling so bad. I can understand you not wanting to worry your parents but it is their role to look after you and you have to be yourself. By trying to appear like everything is okay you are at risk of becoming worse. Please think of yourself.

 

[indigo6]

Hi Mintea
Sorry youre struggling and feel depression coming back, its happening to me a bit too, I understand that fear of them intruding again.
Hard to believe but you do deserve help. Despite what you think of yourself.
What can you do to settle your mind a bit?

 

[Mintea]

Hello Mintea. I am sorry to hear you are struggling with things. I am sad to hear you stopped seeing your therapist and psychiatrist. It is not up to your parents to like them. If you feel they understand you then I would continue to see them as they are the best people to treat your anxiety. Please do not taper of your meds. You need to speak to your doctor about it. It could explain why you are feeling so bad. I can understand you not wanting to worry your parents but it is their role to look after you and you have to be yourself. By trying to appear like everything is okay you are at risk of becoming worse. Please think of yourself.

I’m not sure I have that choice. If anything I would have to see somebody my parents do like and have approved of, or it’s just easiest to pretend nothing’s wrong and see nobody. I’m 20 years old now so while I do have my own responsibilities I rely on them for finances and money to fund whatever treatment I had, which now I am ashamed to confront. Part of me almost wants to spiral, wants people to see what’s going on and realize maybe they should ask how I’m feeling once in a while, y’know? Maybe for me to get worse is the only way they’ll notice. I’m high functioning and it’s frustrating that people can’t see what’s going on because I can function and hold down a job.

Hi Mintea
Sorry youre struggling and feel depression coming back, its happening to me a bit too, I understand that fear of them intruding again.
Hard to believe but you do deserve help. Despite what you think of yourself.
What can you do to settle your mind a bit?

I’ve been distracting myself with TV shows and music, blasting them keeps my mind off of things but when they end, it all comes back to me. I end up feeling dazed because I watch so much.

 

[bpd2020]

I can understand you feel it is easier to just pretend everything is okay but the reality is you are struggling and need support. Is it possible to tell your parents what is going on? They may be more supportive if they know how you are feeling.

 

[Mintea]

I can understand you feel it is easier to just pretend everything is okay but the reality is you are struggling and need support. Is it possible to tell your parents what is going on? They may be more supportive if they know how you are feeling.

To tell them I am struggling feels like a triggering and overwhelming subject. I feel more comfortable venting to strangers online than to them. I don’t really trust them with that information either

 

[bpd2020]

In that case I hope you will feel free to talk on here. We are all here to support you.

 

[RTLP]

I’m sorry that you are getting through all this. I have notice some things that I think you should aware of:

• You are mentioning that you are paranoid that your parents are talking behind your back. This is not paranoia. Every parent will talk about their children but not in a negative way. If my child had this kind of issues would definitely be discussing it with my partner about their condition and how to help.
• I strongly recommend you not to stop your medication because things will get even worse from what they are now.
• Would also strongly recommend you to continue seeing you psychiatrist.

 

[Mintea]

I’m sorry that you are getting through all this. I have notice some things that I think you should aware of:

• You are mentioning that you are paranoid that your parents are talking behind your back. This is not paranoia. Every parent will talk about their children but not in a negative way. If my child had this kind of issues would definitely be discussing it with my partner about their condition and how to help.
• I strongly recommend you not to stop your medication because things will get even worse from what they are now.
• Would also strongly recommend you to continue seeing you psychiatrist.

I’m sorry if I used the wrong wording anywhere, maybe I sounded insensitive. I just meant I constantly fear my parents are mentioning me or anything mental health related behind my back and I really don’t like that thought. I’ve been in the hospital because they didn’t know how else to handle my self-harm, and it was a terrifying experience. So I hesitate to tell them anything in fear of being put there again and losing everything I’ve worked for. I already got off of two of my meds successfully (zoloft and latuda) and am tapering off risperidone. I know it’s bad — but my parents are not allowing me to see my pdoc anymore. They don’t like them due to things they said about me. I can’t say I liked my pdoc much either after that. So I don’t really know if I want to see them anymore. I’d have to find someone else but I don’t want uncomfortable questions to pop up like “why do you need to see them?” I just can’t answer that. I can’t..

 

[Eirlys]

I’m sorry if I used the wrong wording anywhere, maybe I sounded insensitive. I just meant I constantly fear my parents are mentioning me or anything mental health related behind my back and I really don’t like that thought. I’ve been in the hospital because they didn’t know how else to handle my self-harm, and it was a terrifying experience. So I hesitate to tell them anything in fear of being put there again and losing everything I’ve worked for. I already got off of two of my meds successfully (zoloft and latuda) and am tapering off risperidone. I know it’s bad — but my parents are not allowing me to see my pdoc anymore. They don’t like them due to things they said about me. I can’t say I liked my pdoc much either after that. So I don’t really know if I want to see them anymore. I’d have to find someone else but I don’t want uncomfortable questions to pop up like “why do you need to see them?” I just can’t answer that. I can’t..

Hi, so sorry to hear how much you're struggling. I can understand it being difficult properly talking to your parents about what you're dealing with. As others have said, it doesn't sound like it will help you to go off your meds and no longer see a therapist. Would you maybe be able to persuade your parents if you suggested having a different doctor?

 

[RTLP]

I’m worried about you. If I was you would start taking again my medications. This is a scenario that I have seen many times. People discontinue their medication and have a meltdown. At least if you decide to go totally of your meds keep this conversation as reference for your feature. I’m very sorry for what you are going through. Wish I had the power to make you well… If you have time check this video. Maybe it will help you

 

[Mintea]

Hi, so sorry to hear how much you're struggling. I can understand it being difficult properly talking to your parents about what you're dealing with. As others have said, it doesn't sound like it will help you to go off your meds and no longer see a therapist. Would you maybe be able to persuade your parents if you suggested having a different doctor?

I realize it won’t help, and maybe if I do end up in a really bad place, I think I’ll regret it. But I really have a bad fear of bringing this up to my parents. If anything I could bring it up with my mom because I’m more comfortable telling her things. Maybe I’ll try. But it’s so hard and I’m really afraid

I’m worried about you. If I was you would start taking again my medications. This is a scenario that I have seen many times. People discontinue their medication and have a meltdown. At least if you decide to go totally of your meds keep this conversation as reference for your feature. I’m very sorry for what you are going through. Wish I had the power to make you well… If you have time check this video. Maybe it will help you

Thank you for the kind words — I know things will only get worse and for now I’m hoping some fate will get me out of this mess. Don’t worry too much about me though, I think I’ll be okay. Hopefully. I hope my words don’t mean I’m trying to argue or counteract your words, I’m just in a tough place. I’ll also check out the video as well