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Everyday, I consider suicide

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Emmy

Member
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
12
Location
USA
I just can’t stop, even though I won’t do it.

And this is an improvement, may I say.By the time I was ten I wanted to completely be taken out of existence, past present and future.

At least now I’ve come to the point where I love myself enough to be like okay, death. Yeah, people around me would acknowledge that. It would creep them out, make them cry, maybe impact their life view a little. I’m a human being, and that’s what happens when a human dies.

But it just won’t stop. It won’t stop. It keeps coming back. I’m disgusted with every sound and muscle movement I make, I’m disgusted with my allergies and my voice. And its always there and won’t go away. Even controlling it, even when it’s gone, it’s there.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
9,507
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
I am so sorry you feel this way, Emmy, you would be missed here if anything happened to you :hug:

if you feel like you are in imminent danger of going ahead with it, maybe think about contacting the samaritans or one of the other mental health support people who can get real life help out to you? :hug:




and also keep posting here :hug:
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,015
Why are you disgusted with your allergies and voice?

If it helps, then the reason why you think or feel the suicidal thing is because it feels comfortable to your brain. I am sorry to hear you have been feeling that way for such a long time, but it is literally a thought that is built into your brain's neural circuit so your brain keeps falling back into it. It almost is so comfortable for the brain, that it feels good for the brain to think that way, even if it feels terrible to you.

Recognising that this is an inbuilt pattern into your brain, and a common symptom of depression, can be really helpful. Recognising that the thought of 'I want so badly to die' is just a thing which happens, to depressed people, and that you don't have to listen to it, can be helpful. If you keep telling yourself 'my brain is telling me this'.

It takes a LOT of time, but you can distance yourself from these thoughts. When you're at your lowest, it honestly feels like it won't go away, when you feel like the thoughts are so part of you, and are there every single day, I know that's really hard. But you definitely can distance yourself from them, over time.

It's good that you can understand that you have a worth as a human. That is your beginning of your ability to rationalise your way out of this suicidal bullshit. You don't have to feel this way. Is there anyone in your life that you mean a lot to? I am sure there is. If you can in a small way, just think of one person who would be greatly effected by your loss, that is a good place to start. But also put a value on yourself. You have intrinsic worth as a human. You wouldn't want anyone else to die needlessly, so why wish it on yourself.
 
E

Emmy

Member
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
12
Location
USA
Not immediate, I apologize if my post title sent off too much of an alarm for you. It’s just a constant stream that’s been going on for years, but I’m just now in a point in my life where I feel like I’m allowed to acknowledge it exists? Like I’ve taken care of most of my real problems, now all that’s left is this and the things that are out of my hands, and I realized it wasn’t normal.

Thank you though. I’ll keep that in mind.


I am so sorry you feel this way, Emmy, you would be missed here if anything happened to you :hug:

if you feel like you are in imminent danger of going ahead with it, maybe think about contacting the samaritans or one of the other mental health support people who can get real life help out to you? :hug:




and also keep posting here :hug:
 
E

Emmy

Member
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
12
Location
USA
Haha, I sometimes think if I hadn’t suddenly turned into this ugly mess overnight, I would be a pretty judgy person myself. I mean I’m a nice and considerate person by personality, but there’s always the back of your mind that decides the intricacies of your facial expressions and body language towards certain people. And my problems with myself don’t end on the outside, not to lead you off to think I’m just being a materialistic millennial, but I won’t go into that.

Friends. I value people who bring me happiness, laugh with me, that’s the thing I’m most grateful for in people I meet. My life has taught me no one makes friends, they’re given to you by god, and god decided I’m not allowed to emotionally backpack safely by anyone’s side in this life, but I doubt I’m the only one.

I’m not 100% for the circuit concept, though it’s an interesting thought to consider for getting out of it. My reasoning is that I’ve always been an anxious person. When my parents got angry with me, I would hate myself and hate the feeling of someone hating me and feel a burning sensation like someone was pouring acid into my veins, maybe I scared my heart out of a beat, who knows. Getting anxious over little things has always been something I’ve intrinsically had, I would cry very easily and it doesn’t help I was put under a lot of stress for grades (Ex, why didn’t you get extra credit? Forget ‘why did you miss this question,’ lol) and parts of my childhood were like walking on a landmine. Im a sensitive person and I know that though, I know my parents had their problems themselves and I keep ’i wish you hadn’t done that’ separate from ’ I blame you for that’ in these things. I wasn’t a normal kid and I was like an adult in some ways, and empty in others. But I grew up being told I was bossy, manipulative, and antisocial... anxiety, doesn’t help. I wasn’t allowed to frown, I wasn’t allowed to answer back, there was a very long period where disappearing or becoming a fairy with deux Ex machinas to all my problems seemed like the only valid options.

So I do think its a certain a cycle, but it’s just the anxiousness and despair that’s bringing the thoughts on, not the other way around. It won’t go away from just thinking differently, because I feel like the world is ending when things go wrong, and it’s not to elicit a reaction in anyone because I’ve never let this side of me out—how could I? My parent told me they only hadn’t killed themselves because they had me. I’m a strong happy person to them. I cant tell a doctor because then they would find out because I’m not economically independent yet, and my school has literal limits on how often you can speak to counselors, which I hear just talk to students terribly. I’m a grown person who doesn’t know how to feel anger, let alone express it in self defense. I think that’s terrible. If I said that to someone, they wouldn’t believe me. It’s one of those things that immediately puts a wall between me and anyone I try to relate to. I don’t seem like a real person, how can I not just flip off that rude person and rhetorically state how I want someone to die...but I can’t.

I’m only starting the road to getting out of this , but it was so many years before I felt safe enough to take the first step without destroying myself, so I’m already worn out. So many diaries I started and couldn’t keep at because I wasn’t strong, and couldn’t live on without making myself forget everything and keep looking away. But I’m a little strong, I guess. I mean, I’ve gained the strength to think about it enough to write this, and I’m not crying anymore right now, which is a start.

But your analysis kind of helps. It’s not that I haven’t heard it before, but for someone to put it into the exact words and concept for you helps when your mind isn’t doing it for you. Um, just thank you. yeah. ❤

Im sorry if you had to read all that. I used to hyperdescriptive roleplay, so writing hundreds and hundreds of lines an hour is nothing for me, if I’m emotionally invested. I’ve been trying to take my time with my words and say what I mean and not what I meant, lately.

🤔Not gonna lie, I feel like the most rebellious ‘that one phase’ person in the world right now for opening up so much. So scandalous. Very mischief.👌✨

Why are you disgusted with your allergies and voice?

If it helps, then the reason why you think or feel the suicidal thing is because it feels comfortable to your brain. I am sorry to hear you have been feeling that way for such a long time, but it is literally a thought that is built into your brain's neural circuit so your brain keeps falling back into it. It almost is so comfortable for the brain, that it feels good for the brain to think that way, even if it feels terrible to you.

Recognising that this is an inbuilt pattern into your brain, and a common symptom of depression, can be really helpful. Recognising that the thought of 'I want so badly to die' is just a thing which happens, to depressed people, and that you don't have to listen to it, can be helpful. If you keep telling yourself 'my brain is telling me this'.

It takes a LOT of time, but you can distance yourself from these thoughts. When you're at your lowest, it honestly feels like it won't go away, when you feel like the thoughts are so part of you, and are there every single day, I know that's really hard. But you definitely can distance yourself from them, over time.

It's good that you can understand that you have a worth as a human. That is your beginning of your ability to rationalise your way out of this suicidal bullshit. You don't have to feel this way. Is there anyone in your life that you mean a lot to? I am sure there is. If you can in a small way, just think of one person who would be greatly effected by your loss, that is a good place to start. But also put a value on yourself. You have intrinsic worth as a human. You wouldn't want anyone else to die needlessly, so why wish it on yourself.
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,015
It's not just a concept, the reason why people fall back into familiar thought patterns is because they become engrained in the brain over time and feel comfortable and familiar. It is very hard to train the brain to think differently from the way that is most familiar, hence why changing the way you think, and recovering from mental illness is a slow process that takes much effort.

Honestly, you can waste many hours of your life hating yourself for the way you are, for the person you are, for the traits you show, but at the end of the day you will reach a point where you realise it is pointless. Hating yourself is one way to guarantee you are living an unhappy life.

It sounds like you are over thinking too much which is probably a habit you need to train your mind out of.

If your parents have had their own issues and told you things like they would kill themselves if they didn't have you, that's a lot to deal with. Not sure if you are still living with parents, I presume you are. But there's no reason why you shouldn't look forward to a future where you can live a life that is not dictated by their rules. You can learn how to be your own person, without your parent's involvement.

That's all I'll say. The good thing is you're determined to overcome the suicidal thoughts and are recognising some kind of self improvement which means you're on a good road.
 
S

sallimae76

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 18, 2019
Messages
464
Location
USA
If you live in the NYC area and want to meet up, let me know. We could help each other.
 
B

boulder90

Member
Joined
Oct 4, 2019
Messages
18
Location
Warrington
hi Emmy I can say the same. Since mid teens I have often thought about suicide/death. Different ways and stuff but never thought anything of it (by the way I would never do it ). But now I’m older I feel like when I do think about it I bring family in to it weather they would miss me or not and what they would be like. Recently I have thought about it and different way and though I do wnat to do something about to. Just hope my head stays sane enough
 
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