Ever wondered..why am I doing this?

Suddenleigh88

Suddenleigh88

Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Weymouth, Massachusetts
#1
Hey group,

So I was invited to an all female gathering at a friend's house recently. I had been invited well before the event, so I knew there would be some women there that don't like me. (As in this woman has in no uncertain terms told me that she actually doesn't like me or want me near her...not just me imagining she doesn't like me. Lol)

So, i was anxious going into this event. But i really like the woman hosting so i figured, fuck that one person...and went.

Well, everything was ok. I was a bit shakey when we arrived. But nothing totally out of sorts other than some serious nervous sweating...then out of nowhere I found myself telling a story as if it were true...when it super wasn't. I've never done this before and I immediately hated myself for doing it. It wasn't even something that mattered. Now I'm home obsessing over it. Why would I even do that? Was it just anxiety? Was I just looking for something interesting to say? I have no idea. But I'm mad at myself for it.

Has anyone else ever found themselves so anxious in a social setting that they just started making stuff up for no reason? Then beating yourself up for it later?

Part of me wants to come clean to the hostess, but i don't want her thinking I just lie about stuff for no reason all the time either.

What should i do? How should I handle this? Am I just making something out of nothing?
 
J

Jules5

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
406
Location
Florida
#2
Wow you came out with the truth. Good job. Things like this happen. Now that you are aware just stay quiet next time. Observe and you will see behaviors like ours. And then feel compassion.
 
Suddenleigh88

Suddenleigh88

Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Weymouth, Massachusetts
#3
Thanks. If I'm not thought of poorly for being an obvious nonsense story maker, and invited again, I'll try to do that. Quiet is often hard for me. I'm working on it.
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

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Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
382
Location
California, US
#4
We do all sorts of things when we're anxious. Don't be too hard on yourself. This can be a realization that coping strategies and self-soothing techniques would be helpful to have in situations that trigger anxiety. Until you've faced such a situation, how could you be expected to know?

With this awareness you can cope ahead of the next social event where you anticipate anxiety or stress will be present.
 
Cpt_Stunning

Cpt_Stunning

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Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Plymouth
#5
I wouldn't worry about it too much, these things are quickly forgotten about.

Myself, I wouldn't come clean, the only way you should come clean is if the story gets mentioned again by someone else.

Personally, I don't think the fact that you told an untrue story is a symptom of anxiety, but the fact that you're obsessing about it is a symptom.
 
R

Ramson bangers

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 1, 2019
Messages
509
Location
England
#6
Tell them you were making it up. If they dont like it, forget about them. Or like yourself even more because you are unlike them. They are boring anyway.
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
382
Location
California, US
#8
Not alone and not a dishonest person. Anxiety makes each of us do things that are out of character, regrettable. If you may benefit from coping strategies we can share some of those.
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
382
Location
California, US
#10
Actually, i might benefit from that. Please share and thank you.
Glad to.

Let's use the gathering you were invited to as an example of a potentially stressful event and how a technique called coping ahead might be useful. This involves planning for what you'll do before and during the event as well as having a strategy for getting the heck out of there.

Before heading out, name the things that are going to trigger or worsen anxiety and do what you can to make yourself less vulnerable. Some examples: I'm hungry, tired, nervous about my appearance, worrying about a confrontation. The first three you can address by having a snack, nap, and give yourself plenty of time to get dressed and ready. Take a relaxing bath or shower, use a nice lotion that smells great and makes you feel pampered. These are meant to get you to your baseline state of relaxation.

During all this you'll be visited by worry. Tell worry you'll "make an appointment with it". Your worry appointment is just what it sounds like: giving some time for anxiety to be expressed before you leave your home. You meet with worry while listening to music or a guided meditation. Some people like to write down their worries. If you're artistic, draw or make up absurd and funny lyrics relating to worry.
I always bring headphones and music to keep myself distracted and relaxed during travel to the event.

How to cope ahead for your time at the party? If I know I'll be nervous or have trouble with social anxiety, I like to plan an activity or give myself a job to do. Maybe I'll bring a food item that requires a little preparation and tend to it when I need a break from socializing. I've been known to wash a few dishes, just to get away. Step outside and stare at the phone. When I'm at a party or gathering, I'll always take some time to be by myself.

Must have a plan for dealing with a difficult person or people. Be pleasant, acknowledge him/her with a gracious, rehearsed greeting and hopefully a disarming smile. Excuse yourself and move on to someone else. If your worry is being cornered or confronted, have a ready response. "I'm willing to discuss that but this isn't the proper time and place to do so."

What if I don't have anything to say? I can plan for that by equipping myself with subjects or stories. If social media friends will be in attendance, I'll scan their posts so I'll be able to ask a relevant question. People love to talk about themselves so if you got nothing you want to say, ask about them.

If I know I'm not feeling like socializing for very long, I'll often tell the host in advance that I plan to stay only so long. Reason? Not feeling so good today. That way when it's time, I'm not fumbling for an excuse that might be heard as a lie or evasion. I always know how I'm getting home and rarely does my plan rely on anyone but me to get me there.

Those are some examples of coping ahead but I'm sure others can contribute some I didn't mention. Anxiety can be dynamic, unpreditable so there are also ways to cope in the moment but that's for another post.

Hope this is helpful.