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Event OCD, scared I am gross

dontknowwhattodowithoutyou

dontknowwhattodowithoutyou

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Hello there. This is my first post here. I have been diagnosed with OCD officially by several mental health professionals.

Recently, my OCD started targeting past things I did and makes me believe that I'm despicable for all the things I've done. I especially fear that I might have done things that have traumatized others. I guess this could be seen as some mix of Harm and Sexual OCD.

So, yeah this post is really uncomfortable to write. I feel super guilty for what I did, I don't know why I did it and will never do it again. I struggle even putting this into words, let alone tell my therapist.

Basically, in the past there have been a few occurrences in which I have touched myself in a sexual way. This by itself is normal of course.
But sometimes, I did it during sleepovers at friends', sometimes sharing the same bed. You can judge me, I do it, too. I feel like I abused them (I haven't touched anyone though, I would NEVER do that). I was always careful to be very quiet and not move a lot or anything. So, no one should have noticed and no one ever addressed this. In fact we are still super close. However, now, I feel so uncomfortable around said people. As though I am not the person they know or think they know. That they shouldn't consider me a friend.

So maybe you have some advice for me? Should I address this with someone? My friends or my therapist? I really feel super disgusted by myself - I wish I would have never done it. I don't think this is forgivable.

Thanks to all of you in advance.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

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Hello and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry you are tormenting yourself over this. You have not abused anybody. You touched yourself only. I think it would help to talk to your therapist so your therapist can help you to forgive yourself. There is no need to tell your friends. You are entitled to a private life and you have not done anything harmful. Many people have done this. Siblings who share a bed or room will have done this. You are not a bad person.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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hi x welcome
my friend has intrusive thoughts with her ocd i promise you haven't hurt anyone ,she gets the same thoughts and that is all they are is thoughts
im sure you are a good person ,please remember you are unwell and cannot help it
love Lu x
 
dontknowwhattodowithoutyou

dontknowwhattodowithoutyou

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hi x welcome
my friend has intrusive thoughts with her ocd i promise you haven't hurt anyone ,she gets the same thoughts and that is all they are is thoughts
im sure you are a good person ,please remember you are unwell and cannot help it
love Lu x
Thank you. You are too sweet! I still deeply regret it. It is so difficult to move on with OCD... And yeah, for me event-related OCD is the most difficult because the intrusions are linked to things I actually did. :(
 
dontknowwhattodowithoutyou

dontknowwhattodowithoutyou

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Hello and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry you are tormenting yourself over this. You have not abused anybody. You touched yourself only. I think it would help to talk to your therapist so your therapist can help you to forgive yourself. There is no need to tell your friends. You are entitled to a private life and you have not done anything harmful. Many people have done this. Siblings who share a bed or room will have done this. You are not a bad person.
Big thanks to you, too. Yes, I will try to mention it with my therapist. But it is difficult. And yes, I agree - many people did this and probably don't give a damn. I am just worried because I did something that I should have done in a different place. I know I can't change it. It bothers me as I usually am more of a people-pleaser... I am scared that my friends would hate me if they knew what I did.

Nevertheless, thank you so much! You are also sweeter than I deserve someone to be to me.
 
T

TwixBars

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Excessive guilt is super common with OCD. So are intrusive thoughts and its a tough combination. Many people with OCD find themselves obsessing over things like violence, sex etc. And its hard to explain these thoughts to someone without OCD because the common response of "everybody has those thoughts" doesn't always apply. Thus people, including myself, will be wracked with shame and guilt for having the thoughts. Do they mean I'm a bad person? Do they mean I actually want the things I'm thinking about? Nope, no, they do not. They are simply intrusive thoughts that OCD is pushing upon you and then making you feel guilty about.

When things are event-related its harder. Cause you can't just say oh it was just a thought, its something you actually did! But you have to recognize that the guilt over it is still just an intrusion. (Some reassurance now, even thought in a way that buys into OCD): What you did is nothing to feel guilty about, OCD is the only thing making you feel that way. So many people do so many things exploring sex and sexuality, especially when they're younger. Sure, these things can be strange, not denying that, but they're common and something you shouldn't stress over.
 
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