erratic moodswings and bad decision making

peanut

peanut

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Apr 1, 2011
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#1
one minute i can be as high as a kite full of determination to get better and beat my illness. i feel like nothing and no one will stop me from going far in life and doing what i want. ideas come spilling out of my head and i have to type quickly in order to keep up my brain. i talk quickly, and surprise myself at the wit and satire that i can come up with in immediate conversation.

and then, as little as 5 minutes later, i can be at rock bottom wanting to kill myself or run away. i have no motivation and any ambition or determination i once had is now gone. i want to stay in bed all day and find it difficult to get to college or work.

my ability to make responsible decisions is also completely diminished while high/low. as in a recent post, i was extremely prepared to throw away my entire life and would not have given it a second thought. until today when i've been feeling relatively stable, and then i think about the decisions i've made . i am really astounded at myself when i think these 'plans' can take off without any problems.

this isn't cyclothymia anymore. i'm pretty sure it has developed into bipolar :(
 
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calypso

calypso

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#2
Well honey, hang on there. I think you need someone who can look professionally at your cycling. I think that no matter what you think about bipolar or cyclothymia you need to see someone about this state. I am concerned that you are getting really low so fast. It could be cycling or a mixed state - I am no doctor, but I do know that this sort of state can be dangerous to decisions you may be making. Can you ring up someone tomorrow and ask to see them? If not can you go to your GP and get them to check out what they think or refer you on? From what I know, cyclothymia can cause this and its not the poor relative of BP, it is a part of the spectrum.

The next thing to work out is what may be triggering all this? Are you really worried about college work, or being asked to do a lot of work at the moment and feel pressured?

Keep posting. xxx
 
F

friars126

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#3
It's a horrible place to be that's for sure. Are you feeling restless or agitated too? This swinging is exhausting and even if you're not a serious risk to yourself, the decisions you make in this state could have far reaching consequences. I have ultra rapid cycling and it's not fun, i am so unpredictable, even to myself. The speed at which yours are happening must be very confusing and someone needs to offer you some support so get some kind of balance. Calypso's right about speaking to a professional hunny :hug:
 
peanut

peanut

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Apr 1, 2011
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#4
my tutors have said the same (who, by the way, have been so helpful and i feel like the worst person in the world for slagging them off in previous posts.) i made an appointment on tuesday morning but didn't feel like going, will look into going back sometime soon or perhaps speak to the college nurse.

well today i feel higher than the atmosphere. and that's pretty damn high. i've finished two literature essays which i've been doing in only the past couple of weeks, bearing in mind i've had since january to do them. i'm also nearing completion of a massive assignment due in a couple of weeks. when i have these highs it is unbelieveable, i have all this energy and can't understand where i get it from - i find it difficult to keep up with myself at times.

cal, i've got no idea what triggers the cycling or the highs and lows :( i spoke to an old friend today and since then i haven't been able to contain myself.

friars, i always feel restless and especially agitated :p but yeh definitely more so when i have cycles.

i feel like i don't even know or understand myself anymore :S xx
 
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friars126

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#5
It can you get you like that and the more you can keep track of it, the better your GP etc will be able to help. Maybe do up some kind of graph with -10 to 0 and 0 to +10 to try and track your moods and keep notes by the side. I'm doing a computerised version of this for some Uni researchers and it's very interesting and my Psychiatrist also gets a copy of it sent to her :hug: