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Erotomanic stalker

N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
2,240
Location
London, ON
however, I'm not sure females are particularly good at reading us, given how many seem to struggle with separating genuine confidence from self-aggrandising gobshitery,
Not only that, I think people misjudge how transparent or clear they are being in these situations. I've discovered that I'm far harder to read than I realize - I've always felt I wear my heart on my sleeve, while some ex's have said I can be cold and distant.

Having said all that - It shouldn't take much self-awareness that acting like Alice's stalker is way outside acceptable behaviour.

Concerning my neighbour - I'm going to take the least stressful way to see things, and assume it's friendship until forced to see it otherwise.
 
Alice Raven

Alice Raven

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Mar 3, 2020
Messages
886
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USA
Conversely though, I'm a... refraction, I guess... of her stalker. Not quite so monstrous, but I don't think my mind and his mind are so different... all I can say is that I've become sufficiently attracted to people - more than one person - that I've become obsessive, and have decided that it's them or no-one, and when they haven't wanted me I've reacted badly enough as to completely destroy any kind of friendship with them (I tend towards the opposite though; my instinct is to ghost rather than stalk... fight rather than flight, but those responses are just the opposite sides of the same shitty coin). I regret every single time that's happened, but at the same time I can't guarantee it won't happen again. So, to repeat what I wrote above, it's easier - and, additionally, better, for everyone - for me to be careful. To keep my distance. To be avoidant; it's safer, easier, more peaceful. I can actually be a vaguely decent human being provided I don't let myself care for anyone beyond a certain degree.

Is it wrong that I think I can 'get' the hell in that stalker's head which has turned him into what he is, and as a consequence I feel pity for the guy even though it's driving him to put another person through hell?
I think that many of us have had some level of obsession in relationships or other things. As a teen into my early 20s I would say that I felt too deeply and it was devastating when someone didn't want me as much as I wanted them. When a fiance left me I was in a deep depression for months and obsessed about this person every day.

But like you, I turn it inwards. It becomes agony and I'm clearly not myself. I've had a few times in which I became cynical and bitter over the experience, but I never pursued someone who clearly didn't want me. I do agree with you that in the majority of instances, the man has to do the pursuing and make the first move, which, to me, is the more difficult position.

One thing that I've ruminated over in this situation is that I took a graduated approach to indicating that I didn't want to be with this person when, perhaps, I should have been clear up front. My rationale for that was his fragile emotional state. Whenever I would begin to indicate that he should find someone right for him, he would go into meltdown mode. The logic that I was absolutely not right for him and vis a vis was lost on him. I continually pointed him towards his female acquaintances who were more compatible with him.

Unfortunately, like I mentioned with a coworker I call Manbaby, I have a snapping point where I go from kind and sympathetic to rude and angry. It does take a while though. His utter lack of insight, his frequent over the top arrogance and his harassing friends to join in his harassing me was what put me there.

Actually, I think that the fact that you have insight into what goes through such a person's mind is not wrong. I've done it myself in trying to put myself in his shoes and I have and still feel pity for him. Objectively, he is wasting his time. He has cost himself nearly every friend that he had when I met him. He has caused untold turmoil in his family and has been physically abused by them due to his outbursts and tantrums. He was arrested and later released as a result of his destruction of property due to his outbursts over me. He cost himself his job with his father. He has lost all respect and credibility with anyone who knows him and he is the butt of jokes now in the circle of friends we were a part of. His self harm over this drama has left him with lasting scars and the loss of movement in the fingers of one hand. All of this drained what little money he had and he lives entirely at the mercy of his parents because he cannot function outside of that environment. This singular issue has literally destroyed him as a functioning human being.
 
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